Very Important News


Monday, December 03, 2007

Rumor Mill: Prince Gets Nighted

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

80's superstar, Purple fan and suspected self fellatio-ist, Prince has indicated that he may be in the running to star in M Night Shyamalan's next film. "He said I had great presence and extraordinary looks. With my music career in the toilet this may be my only hope!"

Twist-meister Shyamalan on the other hand had this to say, "No, I told him I wanted some great presents and that he was an extraordinary kook. Though I'll let him believe he's got the role. When he finds out the truth it will be a great twist! And you know I love those!"

Yes, yes you do Night!

Thursday, November 01, 2007

The Buzz: Whoopi! Goldberg retires from acting?

Report by Mr Smith

Ugly "comedienne" Whoopi Goldberg
has announced she is retiring from acting to concentrate on her broadcasting career.

The loud mouthed "actress" , (who is allegedly 102 years old), insists there's "no room" for her in Hollywood anymore because there are younger, more glamorous actresses taking all the jobs.

She told unsurprised talk show host Larry King (who is allegedly younger that
Whoopi Goldberg) "You know, there's no room for the very talented Whoopi. There's no room right now in the marketplace of cinema."

Larry King
responded with a chuckle, and then realised Goldberg was not joking.

Monday, October 15, 2007

The Buzz: K.O. KO'd

Report by Mr Jones

Unattractive loudmouth Kelly Osbourne is trying to mount a comeback after being banned from ever appearing in public last year. The highly popular decision was passed by the senate last month but despite society's entire objection she still will not remain quiet.

"I am an annoying loudmouth so what! I will continue to impose my hideous face and equally obnoxious voice upon the world! I don’t care!" she shrieked.

Surprisingly, plastic surgery magnet Paris Hilton, horse faced ex-singer Victoria Beckham and STI addict Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan have all rallied around Kelly. "She makes even us seem palatable! Without her all of the world's disgust will be forced upon us! Previously our pathetic lifestyles had been overshadowed by her antics but now we have no hope!" whined equine-like former Spice "girl" Beckham, who then had to leave as she was running in the Grand National later that day.

Meanwhile all the members of the 'Save Kelly' protest group have been mysteriously killed in a firework related incident at a firework factory they had been invited too.

Monday, October 08, 2007

The Buzz: G-String Unit?

Report by Mr Jones

Tough guy rapper 50 Cent has confessed that he likes to wear women's underwear. "It feels so good! I especially like the crotchless ones! It just hangs out! Wait is that microphone on? Oh no! Umm I mean yeah I like to see WOMEN in women's underwear!!! Please believe me! Don’t run away! Come back!!!"

He never did catch up with our gutsy reporter, mainly due to the full length ball gown Fiddy was wearing at the time.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Rumor Mill: Mission: Incredible

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Fresh from helping a couple in trouble last year, shamed movie star Tom Cruise has been spotted helping another pair of down and outs at a premiere in London last week. The star spotted two Asians - an Indian man and a Chinese man who were seen walking away from the première to a nearby all-you-can-eat buffet – concerned that they weren’t going towards the première to join the onlookers Cruise told his armed security to escort the pair right to the front of the line where they had the good fortune of being able to meet Cruise face to face and hear almost 35 minutes worth of anecdotes.

"Yes, recently, I Tom Cruise, saviour of mankind and Thetan master mentalist, helped two ethnic minorities on my missionary travels in London - they were clearly wretched and diseased and I saved them by my touch alone. I am thinking of adopting them as they obviously have no family. Aren't I a maniac?! No, no I'm not I'm just a guy who loves his kids and also I love your kids more than you do too cos I'm just great. I am also hoping to cure Bird Flu this afternoon assuming my meeting with Ron Howard is cancelled. Vote Cruise!"

All I have to say is, is there anything this man CAN'T NOT do?

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

The Buzz: Super Model Gets Wrong Role... Model

Report by Mr Jones

On a recent casting call for the proposed straight to video prequel Dog vs. Man 2: Female Dog vs. Female Man, producers were surprised to find Naomi Campbell in the waiting line. When asked what she was doing there she responded: "I'm here for the movie, I heard they needed a bitch."

Producers however did not clarify that the role was actually for a canine and allowed her to audition, why you ask? Mainly to humiliate her.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Rumor Mill: Keanu's Not So Excellent Adventure

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

"Neutral looking" actor Keanu Reeves was accidentally locked in a wooden crate yesterday in a bizarre incident. The occurrence occurred in Beverley Hills, as the "blank faced" Matrix star was shopping. He was looking at some jeans when a group of teamsters picked up the actor and placed him in a wooden crate, they then hammered it shut and carted it away to the storage area. It took over three hours before staff released the mistake.

Keanu had this to tell us "Well it seemed those guys confused me with a mannequin and carted me off in a box! I guess it's not such a strange mistake to make. I didn’t really like being in the box but I am far too polite too make a fuss. Plus it was nice to be able to hang out without getting bothered!"

All I can say is Keanu Reeves' reputation for being the nicest man in Hollywood is surely undamaged!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Dogg's Eye View: On Whether There Will Ever Be A Black President

The Very Important News Network is always endeavouring to bring more distinct viewpoints of all the major events of our times. To that end VIN is proud to introduce our newest guest columnist, Kool Dogg.

Mr Dogg is a “straight up gangsta” from the mean streets of New York via the tough ‘hoods of L.A. Our new ethnic reporter joins us for his unique take on the news. This uncompromising view represents the hard reality of life and the real word on the streets. Today on VIN, Kool Dogg on whether there will ever be a black president.

“Jay-Z is the president already! Don’t you know nothing pops? Jigga my n***a!”

Monday, September 24, 2007

Rumor Mill: P. I. N. Kraut?

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Shocking everyone today is the news that former RnB star, current angry rock/pop/crap star Pink is actually a German!

The sassy singer, real name Alecia Moore, broke out in the late 90's surprising everyone by being both white and an RnB star! She came to her senses later when she ditched the melodic caterwauling for rockier miming but scandal has always followed her, primarily the accusation that she is German. Her highly masculine face and burly body were the key giveaways, but today she will reportedly set the record straight!

"Yes its true Ty, I am a Kraut! I am surprised not more people realised after listening to my manly voice and watching me dance in a manly fashion whilst looking like a man in drag! This however does not make me a Nazi though I admit I am partial to goose-stepping and do love a bit of Sauerkraut and Wienerschnitzel!"

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Rumor Mill: X Marks The Spook?

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Looks like David Duchovny, the X-Files and Evolution star is having some troubles in his new house. The actor thought he would be a big star after the X- Files finished and splashed on a huge house with his wife Tea Leoni who also assumed she would become a big star. A string of flops in a row have now meant that the pair had to downgrade to a smaller house but they didn’t bet on the house being haunted!

Local real estate agent and suspected psychiatric patient Chris "Dunny" Dunne had this to say "The house I sold them is haunted! The house was built on a burial site where the worst serial killers of all time are buried! I told them not to buy it but they were so desperate! At night you can hear the sounds of the dammed mwa ha ha ha!"

Sounds like a case for The X-File's Fox Mulder aka David Duchovny!

Monday, September 17, 2007

The Buzz: Kobe Gets His Goat

Report by Mr Jones

Superstar basketball player and rape "suspect" Kobe Bryant has once again been arrested for an improper and aggressive sexual act. However this time the LA Lakers star has reportedly had sexual relations with a goat!

This is what he had to say just before he was arrested before last night's game "The genius is that this is not illegal unlike the other time when I raped that woman! What it is illegal? Man, I got the worst layer!!"

Yes Kobe, looks like you do!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The Buzz: West Is Not Best (Again)

Report by Mr Jones, Live at the MTV VMAs

Whiny perennial awards loser Kanye West yesterday weighed in after bemoaning that not only was Britney Spears allowed to appear at the MTV VMAs and he wasn’t but that also didn’t win any awards - again.

At the show the artists either performed on the main stage, smaller "fan" booths or both. West on the other hand was only allowed to perform in the janitor's closet but only if he assisted with toilet unblocking duties.

According to my backstage source at MTV, West started getting visibly upset after watching the closing performance featuring Justin Timberlake, Timbaland and Nelly Furtado. "He started grabbing bystanders and asking anyone who'd listen why he wasn't allowed to perform on the main stage.

"How come I wasn’t on the main stage? Justin's my boy, but even he gets to perform on the main stage and in a booth? And I been unblocking toilets all night! It's not fair! Waa! Waa! And how come I didn’t win again? My videos were crazy expensive yo! Man I bribed every judge and even gave the head of MTV a reach around! What's up with that? Waaaa!"

He also told me that he pledged to never work with MTV again. MTV bosses were reportedly high fiving each other shortly after.

Monday, September 10, 2007


Report by Mr Jones, Live at the MTV VMAs

Very Important News celebrated the end of its annual summer vacation with its annual trip to the MTV VMA awards. VIN has had a long time association with the awards and in recognition of this the entire VIN staff including Mr Smith, Ty & Clarissa Scheissberg, were made guests of honour.

The highlight of the music love-in was the much anticipated comeback of VMA favourite Britney Spears with her new song "Gimme More". Over the past few months Spears has been the subject of much conjecture and mockery. VIN was greatly concerned by the recent troubles that Britney was going through. We miss the days of the tight outfits, the sexually suggestive dancing and the odd vocals - and so we were all looking forward to the promise of a show stopping performance.

Unfortunately the performance stopped the show for all the wrong reasons. The former teen superstar stumbled on to stage seemingly unaware of her surroundings and then forgot the lyrics before miming about 5 seconds out of sync with the song. She then ranted about why the War was a good thing and that she was hoping to enlist next month and "whoop some Ass" and later pointing to Kanye West screaming "Kanye West doesn’t care about White People" before being dragged off the stage by her dancers.

Even fellow nominees were shocked by the performance. 50 Cent who was in the crowd was said to be grimacing but we are not sure if this was due to Britney or just his regular expression. Justin Timberlake was seen to be giggling uncontrollably with Scarlett Johansson while Christina Aguilera was literally rolling on the floor laughing her ass off. Host Sarah Silverman was merciless with her post Britney jibes and even threatened to elaborate more on her Comedy Central show The Sarah Silverman Show - fortunately for Britney it is unlikely that anyone will actually watch it.

Watch the video here.

We at VIN salute Britney's pluck and determination and are sure this setback won't hamper her return to her hit making days - we are sure the public will forgive her. Why? Well mainly cos she's hot.

Monday, June 25, 2007

VIN Is On Vacation!

The Very Important News Network is now on vacation and will be returning in September with even more of the juiciest news so watch this space!

Remember if it's not on VIN, its not important!

The Very Important News Staff

Friday, June 22, 2007

Rumor Mill: Witch Potter star loves the supernatural?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Experts' have discovered that the 'evil yet admirable'
Harry Potter villain Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton) is related to real-life WITCHES.

The 'part time actor and full time snooty pupil of Hogwarts' is descended from convicts hanged during the notorious Salem witch trials in 1692.

A researcher, David Nelson, with nothing better to do concluded:

“I have discovered concrete proof of a link between Tom and some of those who were executed. He is a distant relative of John Proctor — who was hanged on August 19, 1692.”

Mr Nelson from the great Salt Lake City of our great USA, has been probing the Salem witches’ history for four years, he shouted surprisingly:

"I have sent my findings to the evil witch Malfoy family yet they have only replied with angry messages such as go away, and I once got an eye of a newt through the post, but here's hoping for an autograph!"

Strange but true? The great minds at VIN can only wonder.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Rumor Mill: Clooney finds no love for Paris

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Silver haired butler' George Clooney has demanded an apology from a media outlet after he was misquoted bad-mouthing jailed bimbo Paris Hilton.

The 'sexy voiced houseworker' was quoted as saying, "You can only get so far without discernable talent - then you either work, or use cheap publicity tricks to keep the public's attention. Paris has no reason to complain if she is on the end of bad publicity."

According to a representative for Clooney he was actually meant to say "Paris Hilton is a bitch. We (me and Brad) all hate her."

It doesn't look like Clooney will be staying at Hilton hotels after those comments!

Monday, June 11, 2007

Game ON! With Sakura & The Dude: Miyamoto's Masterpiece?

Hi guys! We caught up with gaming legend Shigeru Miyamoto last week to find out about his ideas for his next game.

Here's what he had to say:
"I have some ideas. One is that in Japan, there are a lot of trains that have sections reserved for the elderly or pregnant women. Young people in Japan sometimes sit in them, but if people come up and need them, you are supposed to get up. But most of the kids don't! It really upsets me.

If I could build a game that somehow made the young people respect their elders... And there is another issue bugging me. In Japan there are a lot of people who freelance or work under the table — people who don't pay any taxes. I look at places in the world where people understand that paying taxes to the government helps society. In Japan there's not that understanding. So [social responsibility] is yet another issue I might address in a game."

Sounds... great!

The dude says: I like to sit on pregnant women.

Friday, June 08, 2007

The Buzz: Omarion wants to be hOm-Alien?

Report by Mr Smith

Omarion has told reporters that he wants to be taken seriously as a musical artist and that he isn’t all about his dance moves. The ‘You’ve Got Served star' told my spies (in the third person) while dancing fruitily:

“Omarion is a musical genius. Pray for Omarion, pray for him to become greater than he already is. My song 'Icebox' is surely the most intelligently lyrically written song ever! Everything pales in comparison. Pray for Omarion. OMARION!!!!!!”

Omarion is currently auditioning for a role as the homosexual alien in David Spade’s new film, Dog Vs Alien.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Rumor Mill: Kenny Zzz?

Report by Mr Smith

‘Frilly haired musician’ Kenny G has allegedly admitted that even he has fallen asleep during recording his tracks for his new album ‘Elevator music: sounds of the aged’.

The self proclaimed ‘sexyphonist’ said:

“My new album ‘Elevator music: sounds of the aged’ is all about feeling, soul, and something that I really can’t remember. It is actually quite boring, so boring that I fell asleep while playing the sexyphone during the recording of this album. But it will make me some money and I will be able to continue my $50,000 monthly fee for hair products.”

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

The Buzz: Just Shoot.. the aliens?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

‘Star of the failed vehicle Dog Vs ManDavid Spade is to star in a new film Dog Vs Alien. Spade said enthusiastically:

"They have totally reworked the project Dog Vs Man, taking out the parts of the Man, and completely revamped it up and taken it to the next level. He is not a man no more. He is an alien! This means it will be probably be more exciting and more fun. We are trying to get someone to play the part of the homosexual alien. This film will definitely go into production, if it doesn’t. Just shoot me!”

Same old jokes, same old Spade.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Rumor Mill: Letterman loves Leching?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Ugly and unfunny television presenter'
David Letterman has allegedly revealed that he likes to watch people intently in parks, whlie wearing his long brown jacket.

When asked about his habit he allegedly replied: "Yes... yes I do" while grinning inanely in the way that only Letterman knows how.

After questioning he continued to look at a couple in a lover's tryst at a near by tree for several hours.

Monday, June 04, 2007

The Buzz: Apologiser Teaser Poster

VIN World Exclusive!

Exclusive by Mr Jones

VIN broke the news last year of the new Martin Scorsese and Tom Conti film "The Apologiser from uber production house D & T Productions and now is the first to bring you an exclusive look at the teaser poster!

Click on the image for a larger version.

Friday, June 01, 2007

The Buzz: Jason Statham Interview!

World Exclusive Interview by Mr Jones

Hollywood action man Jason Statham took time out of his busy schedule of dancing in front of a mirror and beating people up to speak to VIN exclusively about his latest projects.

First of all Jason I have to say you look great!

Jason Statham:
Thanks Mr Jones! In my line of work I have to be in peak physical condition. I used to go to the gym a lot but then I realised that dancing in front of my bedroom mirror and listening to power ballads really gave me the workout I need.

Fantastic! So tell us about your new film Bank Day?

It’s a great big action packed Jerry Bruckheimer thriller! I wasn’t sure about another action film - I was planning to act in a classy period film where I play an 18th century dandy but when Jerry Bruckheimer calls you, you gotta answer! The script is written by some newcomers so I was unsure but when I read my big line, "Time to take out the tax!" in a delicious pun I knew I just had to do it!

Great, great, so what's the situation with Checkmates?

JS: Well Mr Jones I can't talk much about it but seeing as it's for VIN I'll tell you the gossip. Basically our director Milos Forman was very disappointed with the script. It called for our new addition to the cast Andre 3000 to defeat a chess grandmaster by using a new move called the "Hip Hop rook to da castle smash grab" which involves one piece talking out all the others in a combo manoeuvre. Unfortunately the chess community are in uproar as this move isn’t actually used in chess. And they claim it's an insult for a move to rewrite the centuries old rules of chess for a movie. Shows how much they know! Anyway Andre 300 has pulled out now and we will be replacing him with Michael Richards who will be blacking up to play the role of Chess Dogg, it's actually part of his community service after his racial outburst.

So Andre is out and Kramer is in?

JS: Yes that’s right! We have also had some problems with Paul Walker who can't convincingly play chess on screen. We have resorted to using stunt hands for the close ups but its still proving to be a stressful environment. Forman keeps threatening to quit but fortunately Uwe Boll is ready in the wings should this happen.

Well Jason thanks for talking to us exclusively for VIN!

Its always a pleasure for VIN and Mr Jones! Now I have to get back to my tunes and my mirror!

And with that Hollywood hard man returned to pumping his glistening guns to Bonnie Tyler's Hero. The definition of masculinity has surely just been rewritten by this supremely talented star. VIN predicts big things for Jason! You can BANK on it!

Thursday, May 31, 2007

The Buzz: Great Scott!

Report by Mr Jones

English (and therefore classy) director Ridely Scott (no relation to Tony Bennett) was in LA today talking about the recent release of his 2005 mega flop Kingdom Of Heaven on Blu Ray disc.

"I reviewed my Director's Cut of Kingdom of Heaven, which is 3 hrs and 8 minutes thereabouts, on Blu-ray Disc and I was astounded. It was the most impressive thing I've ever seen."

Good to know he is still modest!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Rumor Mill: Lord Of The G-Strings?*

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Lost star Dominic Monaghan has admitted that he likes to dress in women's clothing.

The actor who first shot to fame in the hugely successful Lord Of The Rings films explained that he is happy to describe himself as a "metrosexual" and thinks he "should probably be gay".

"I wear make-up and I paint my nails. I wear high heels and women's underwear. This is all true. I like wearing skirts," Dominic explained. "I should probably be gay but I like women too much."

"I am kind of metrosexual in the sense that, if I do get lost, I do ask for directions. I pull over to gas stations and ask. So I don't know. I guess guys have a lot of pride. And not just gay pride! But just to reiterate I am not actually gay." He then minced off in a ball gown and tiara whilst groping the buttocks of Lost co-star Josh Holloway and singing I Will Survive.

* Not to be confused with the soft core parody of the same name.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

The Buzz: Lucas Star(ts) Wars with Spider-Man 3

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Fat necked director'
George Lucas joined the major newspaper critics in their negative appraisal of runaway blockbuster Spider-Man 3.

In an interview with the 'trashy'
FoxNews Lucas said, "It's a silly movie. ... There just isn't much there. Once you take it all apart, there's not much story, is there?"

One of Lucas' films Star Wars
was also criticized as being "silly," however Lucas proudly noted. "But it wasn't."

An 'incredible' rebuttal from an incredible director.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Rumor Mill: Eager Eva

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

In a strange case of life imitating art, Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria has admitted she recently embarked upon an affair with her own gardener.

What is bizarre is that Longoria isn’t married nor does she have a garden.

However unlike her hit show, her gardener isn’t an attractive hunk but in fact an overweight, one legged Bulgarian. "I just wanted to try something different and naughty! And I'd do it again!" she squealed. In a strange coincidence, a line of unsightly reprobates has appeared outside her Beverly Hills mansion just after this story broke.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Rumor Mill: Paris In Jail. Part 2

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Although Governer Schwarzenegger's recent attempt to kill Paris Hilton failed, Hilton will indeed go to prison.

Never one to miss an opportunity, Hilton will reportedly make a new sex tape in prison featuring her showering with other inmates. We applaud Hilton on her latest endeavour and hope she spends a long time in the slammer. If not for us then for all the perverts out there on the internet!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Buzz: Kelly The Great?

Report by Mr Jones

Suspected kiddie lover / crooner R Kelly has compared himself to some of the greatest icons of the 20th century today.

"My greatest competition is me . . . I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now,"

Let's just hope he doesn't get Parkinson's, get assassinated or get shot by his dad.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Rumor Mill: You Moss Be Joking!

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

VIN has uncovered a shocking new picture of British model Kate Moss without her make up!

Super model? We think not!

Monday, May 21, 2007

Game ON! With Sakura And The Dude: Wii Straps too Wii-k?

Hi guys! With Wii consoles selling out all over the world, Nintendo have a lot to be happy about, but now problems with the Wii straps have forced the gaming giant to revaluate their controllers. Gamers across the world were finding that the new play style of gesturing with the controller dubbed the Wiimote had led to many Wii related accidents and even injuries. Nintendo released the following statement "We will be reinforcing the straps in all new Wii controllers and replacing broken ones but quite frankly anyone who has hit themselves or others with the Wii are stupid malco-ordinated morons and yes that’s our official line."

The dude says: I intentionally hit people with my Wiimote - that way I always win.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

The Buzz: Enough Duff

Report by Mr Jones

One question the public has been asking recently is what has happened to Hillary Duff's face? The formerly pretty teen actress has recently morphed into a rather unattractive lady.

I caught up with Hillary Duff last week for this exclusive interview.

Mr Jones: So Hilary what's happened to your face?

Hillary Duff: I don’t know, I just don’t know. I'm just so ugly now.

There you go, straight from the horses mouth.

Monday, May 14, 2007

The Buzz: Paris In Jail

Report by Mr Jones

As you well know, professional harlot Paris Hilton was recently convicted of breaching her previous DUI order. The heiress then tried to appeal to Governor Schwarzenegger to overturn the sentence. But this was rebuked with extreme prejudice.

Here's what the Governor and former Mr Universe had to say: "I am pushing for the death penalty"

When asked if the death penalty is applicable to such a minor offence, Schwarzenegger became visibly hostile, ripped of his shirt to reveal his bulging pecs and brandishing a pump action shotgun stormed out shouting "Fine then I'll do it myself! Hilton you are checking out!!"

Friday, May 11, 2007

The Buzz: Hollywood congratulates VIN's 1 year birthday

Report by Mr Smith

Everybody in Hollywood knows that last week was a VERY IMPORTANT birthday and to celebrate the Very Important News network held two lavish parties, one in New York and one in Los Angeles on the same day and invited Hollywood's elite, such as the Oscar worthy actor Tom Cruise and the powerfully bearded Steven Speilberg have congratulated VIN on its 1 year birthday.

I caught up with many of the stars from the Los Angeles party, many who flew in straight after the party in New York.

Tom Cruise had this to say:

"Very Important News has been a very important part of my life. This is why I flew (by myself with a jetpack I might add) from the New York party to this party in LA just to celebrate! It's news, reviews, and interviews. I love it! My love for VIN is not an act! It is a fact."

He then broke into an all singing and dancing ode to VIN:


I love VIN
I like to SING
Tom Cruise is KING


Steven Speilberg also spoke some wise words about VIN.

"Before Very Important News, movies were not very important. In fact they were nothing. As soon as Very Important News became what it is today, movies became everything. I love movies and thus, I love Very Important News. It really is the pinnacle of journalism!"

'Chin faced geeky oddball' Quentin Tarantino couldn't hide his excitement and wouldn't hold back his lavish praise on VIN. He shouted to the rooftops while jumping up and down at our celebrity filled party:

"VIN is like, its like, f*cking genious man! it's like me, and the Green Hornet going head to head with Superman and then finding out that we need to kill the Kingpin with our d*cks! It's f*cking crazy! It's f*cking awesome. It's f*cking VIN!"

Sexy Jessica Alba had this to add via phone from New York: "Very Important News made me the sexiest woman in the world (as voted by internet geeks). I love it!"

Even British dames Helen Mirren and Judi Dench managed to link up via satelite from the UK during the dinner. From their wheelchairs they blew kisses and said: "We love you Very Important News" much to the delight of the beautiful American crowd.

Brothers Luke and Owen Wilson cheekily slurred:

"We love VIN, there we said it. Now where's the hot chicks and free booze?"

Jon Lovitz
and Jennifer Aniston showed their loving bond by wishing us thanks in unison saying:

"We love VIN! Thanks for revealing the truth about our relationship."

George Clooney invited himself in to be our silver haired butler for the night was heard to have asked all night: "More wine for the VIN guests?"

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were both very happy to be there and even brought their adopted children, Maddox and Pax with them. Angelina shouted:

"Dance Maddox! Dance for VIN!" While Brad was moving Pax's arms up and down to the sounds of the James Brown classic Living in America. A very sweet couple indeed.

So there you have it. It is official, Very Important News is THE place to read all the world exclusive celebrity news, reviews and interviews. The stars from LA have come out in force and told us so.

We thank them all for their support (some more than others).

loves you all.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

The Buzz: The Stars Come Out To Congratulate VIN

Report by Mr Jones

The Very Important News Network threw two huge lavish parties last weekend in both New York City and Los Angeles to celebrate it's birthday. The events were the biggest bash of the year with the stars queuing up for hours to get in. I caught up with a few of the huge numbers of stars at the NY bash who battled to get in to this oh so exclusive occasion:

"Happy Birthday VIN, your exposing of my lack of talent has been very eye opening!"

Lindsay Lohan

"Wow one year old! You guys are almost as great as me Tom Cruise! No, not really I am the greatest!!"

Tom Cruise

"Wow you're one years old! Here's hoping my career lasts as long!"

Kevin "K-Fed" Federline


Steve Wonder

"Now that’s what I'm talking about! That’s how you have a party! From now on that's how you have a party! Wooo!"

Will Smith

"Diddy says Diddy Birthday to VIN! Diddy What?! Diddy Wow!"

P Diddy

"One year old? That's hot."

Paris Hilton


Nicole Ritchie

"Fancy a go? Only 20 bucks?"

Lee Tamahori

"Ha ha ha ha! Great news! Happy Birthday VIN A-ha ha ha ha"

Jackie Chan

"Happy Birthday Sugar T*ts!"

Mel Gibson

"Wassup Niggaz! Happy Birthday! PS I am available for Bar Mitzvahs."

Michael Richards

"Here's another great quote! A wise man once said "To be good you have to be true to yourself" and that wise man was me, Tom "Tommy" Cruise!"

Tom Cruise

"It's my birthday! I should be getting a birthday not them!"

Kanye West

"Happy Birthday! You do excellent work!"

Matthew Tsoi

"Watch me dance! Watch me dance! Ooh I'm on fire! The Cruise Machine is burning it up!"

Tom Cruise

"Happy Birthday to all your sexy writers!"

Jessica Alba

"Oh Mr Jones you are so hot. Happy Birthday!"

Adriana Lima

"Many happy returns! I love the site!"

Sumit Dutta

"Happy Birthday! I love you! You always support me even during my "crazy" days!"

Britney Spears

"It's your Birthday? Don be stupid, stupid!"


"Hizzle Bizzledizzle!"

Snoop Dogg

"Listen to me carefully..... Happy Birthday.... that is all"

Wentworth Miller

"Ooh Wentworth!!! Happy Birthday VINNY darling!"

Elton John

"Happy Birthday! What!"


"Can't talk! I'm still on the run! Happy Birthday!"

Wesley Snipes

"If I had a birthday, here's how I would do it!"

OJ Simpson

"Happy Birthday old chums!"

Tony Blair

"Happy Birthday! You are not girly men as opposed to all the other web sites! And trust me... I will be back! Get it?"

Arnie Schwarzenegger

".... (snort snort) Happy.... (snort) Birthday!""

Kate Moss

"Hear me growl the words to Happy Birthday! Grrrrwlllll!!"

Vin Diesel

"Heh heh heh heh Happy Birthday!"

George W Bush

"I have to go home now and be with my kids! Thanks for inviting me, Tom aka "Tom Mack Daddy Sex Machine Cruise Missile" Cruise! Happy Birthday VIN!"

Tom Cruise