Rumor Mill: Mission: Incredible

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Fresh from helping a couple in trouble last year, shamed movie star Tom Cruise has been spotted helping another pair of down and outs at a premiere in London last week. The star spotted two Asians - an Indian man and a Chinese man who were seen walking away from the première to a nearby all-you-can-eat buffet – concerned that they weren’t going towards the première to join the onlookers Cruise told his armed security to escort the pair right to the front of the line where they had the good fortune of being able to meet Cruise face to face and hear almost 35 minutes worth of anecdotes.

"Yes, recently, I Tom Cruise, saviour of mankind and Thetan master mentalist, helped two ethnic minorities on my missionary travels in London - they were clearly wretched and diseased and I saved them by my touch alone. I am thinking of adopting them as they obviously have no family. Aren't I a maniac?! No, no I'm not I'm just a guy who loves his kids and also I love your kids more than you do too cos I'm just great. I am also hoping to cure Bird Flu this afternoon assuming my meeting with Ron Howard is cancelled. Vote Cruise!"

All I have to say is, is there anything this man CAN'T NOT do?