Very Important News


Tuesday, February 27, 2007


Report by Armitage Smith

Oscar Night 2007.

The glitz, the glamour, the sex, the ill-manners. All year I have been planning a big Oscar night report, and here it is, all the way from cold England to the sexy sun of LA and the good old USA. Armitage Smith brings you Oscar Night exclusively for VIN.

Oscar night is the highlight of many of our lives, and it certainly was a surprise in 2007. This year the show was hosted by
Hollywood's seemingly only fully fledged lesbian, 'funny' Ellen Degeneres and proved to be the most controversial, and sexy Oscars yet, since 2006!

Below are the winners of the Oscars and also some (alleged) choice extracts from the best and oddest acceptance speeches (and also comments from fellow 'stars') of the night.

Oscar Winners

Art Direction: "Pan's Labyrinth''

Guillermo del Toro: -

"This has always been my dream to win an Oscar for Art Direction, I would like to thank Hellboy for helping me in my time of need. Hellboy is real! ARGHHH!"

Sound Editing:
"Letters From Iwo Jima''

Clint Eastwood: -

"It has always been a nightmare to win an Oscar for Sound Editing. I mean what is it anyway? ARGHHH!"

Sound Mixing:

Eddie Murphy: -

"If I sang we would have also won Sound Editing!"

"Pan's Labyrinth''

Guillermo del Toro: -

"What make up? It was all for real! Especially the violence!"

"Pan's Labyrinth"

Guillermo del Toro: -

Guillermo del Toro 3, you guys 0!"

Visual Effects:
"Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"

Gore Verbinski: -

"We will always win as there is no one else worth voting for... (hee hee)"

Actress in a supporting role:
Jennifer Hudson in "Dreamgirls"

Beyonce Knowles: -

"I love her to death, I really do (bitch)"

Documentary Feature:
"An Inconventient Truth"

Al Gore: -

"From presidential candidate to documentary commentator. I am the man!"

Animated feature film:
"Happy Feet"

All the cast of Happy Feet: -

"I could sing and no one could know it was me just incase I was really bad!"

Film Editing: "The Departed"

Martin Scorsese: -

"Really? F*ck me! Well now I better win for the best director or I will be so pissed off that I'll have to send my Boston boys round to the Academy"

Best Director:
Martin Scorsese for "The Departed"

Martin Scorsese: -

"Thank God I won. Suck on that Academy. I mean thank you!"

Actress in a leading role:
Helen Mirren in “The Queen”

Helen Mirren: -

"Next time I will portray the Duchess of York, Fergie to all you American folk. Roll on Best actress of 2008!"

Actor in a leading role:
Forest Whitaker in "The Last King of Scotland"

Will Smith: -

"Woo! Now that's what I'm NOT talking about"

Honorary Academy Award (Oscar statuette):
Ennio Morricone.

and finally, Best Motion Picture: "The Departed"

Martin Scorsese: -

"Winning best picture with a remake has always been my dream. Welcome to Hollywood!"

Academy members: -

"We had to give it to him before he dies. He's dying soon isn't he?"

Below are the lesser awards that the Academy reluctantly allowed awards and acceptance speeches for, and only with much chagrin.

Foreign Language Film: "The Lives of Others"

Animated Short Film: "The Danish Poet''

Live Action Short Film: "West Bank Story''

Actor in a supporting role: Alan Arkin in "Little Miss Sunshine"

Adapted Screenplay: "The Departed"

Costume Design: "Marie Antionette"

Documentary Short Subject: "The Blood of Yingzhou District"

Original Score: "Babel" Gustavo Santaolalla

Original Screenplay: “Little Miss Sunshine” Written by Michael Arndt

Original Song: "I Need to Wake Up" from "An Inconvenient Truth" Music and Lyrics by Melissa Etheridge

And there you have it. The Academy awrds of 2007. Till next year, Armitage Smith, signing out.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought Armitage Smith had defected to that lowbrow publication Time?

2:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am not "funny" nor am i funny

Ellen Degeneres

2:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

..or sexy!!!

Portia De Rossi

2:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bring back Arrested Development!!!!!!!!!


2:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Little known fact Guilermo Del Toro is my gardener

Clint Eastwood

2:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eddie cant sing as good as me!


2:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shut yo mouth biatch!! Didnt yo hear "My Girls Wants To Party All The Time!?

thats some crazy shit!

Oscar nominee E Murphy

2:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beyonce you ho! Say that shit again and I'll sit on you!

Jennifer Hudson

2:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is Al Gore, you are hearing me speak

Al Gore

2:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Alan Arkin is not the same man as Alan Dale who is now in every US TV show and was once Jim Robinson in Aussie soap Neighbours but then died due to a heart attack.

Alan Arkin

2:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No no i dont mind! Ill win next year for Bad Boys 3: This Time Its More Ofensive

Will Smith

2:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not if i have anything to say!!!

Marthin "martin" Lawrence

2:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am named after a group of trees and i have now have an oscar!! how many of you can say that!!!

Forrest Whitaker

2:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I made 2 freaking films and no good awards!!! Screw this!

Clint Eastwood

2:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chuckle chuckle you may wonder why i am chuckling? Well ts beacuse i went to the oscars yet i wasnt invited! they thought i was the silver haired usher!!! Though I did have to clean Will Smiths shoes!

George Clooney (aka Cloon Dogg)

2:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

next year i will win every award!!! even best SFX! i boughmyslef a PC and im going to learn how to beat all those CGI geeks!!!

Tom Cruise!

2:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, yes you will!

Katie Holmes

2:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I won out of sympathy!! Hooray for sympathy!

Marty S

2:34 AM  
Blogger Very Important News said...

VERY IMPORTANT NEWS congratulates all the winners at this year's Acadamy Awards and also berates all who lost - losers!!!

2:35 AM  

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