Very Important News


Thursday, May 04, 2006

The Buzz: TomKitten has arrived!

Report by Mr Jones

Cruise has had his baby! (*)

Hollywood Megastar and all around good guy Tom (The Top Gun) Cruise has had his long awaited, much anticipated baby! The child (produced in conjunction with Katie (Dawson’s Creek and other straight to TV movies) Holmes and the church of Scientology) is named Suri which means “Tom Cruise is all knowing and all powerful” in ancient scientologese

Here’s what gleaming new father and box office sensation Tom Cruise, had to say:

“Here is a baby, what has she done with her career? Now I know the history of birth, so don’t be glib, hey I’m just a guy who loves his kids and this new one too, it’s is my most ambitious project yet... until my forthcoming new project with Spielberg” Cruise refused to determine whether this meant he’s actually having a baby with Steven (Hook) Spielberg

Katie Holmes also had this to add: “…………………..”

“Don’t worry she’s plenty excited” Interjected a boisterous Cruise after a dazed Holmes drooled her way through the press conference. Reporters at the scene mentioned that she was wearing a gag over her mouth and what looked like a lobotomy scar on her head.

Fellow scientologists also attended the birth “This is a great baby, im gonna make love to itttttt” sang renowned out-of-work vocalist Isaac Hayes, Cruise laughed at this but then promptly threw him out “Ha-ha that Hayes he’s such a funny guy! I cured him of Heroin and Christianity!” blurted a sweaty Cruise

A jubilant John (Battlefield Earth) Travolta also gushed “Oh my God, I used to be famous”, meanwhile Hollywood has-been Emilio (that movie with umm Charlie Sheen?) Estevez managed to elude security and had this to say “That should have been me! Ha-ha but im not mad! No my career is going great!” he then collapsed to the floor weeping whilst onlookers giggled.

Of course not everyone is happy by this birth (and not just Holmes family who have been barred from all contact and whom we are not allowed to mention due to ongoing legal action between themselves and Cruise)

Nicole Kidman fresh from filming her latest crazy, wacky terribly miscast rom com only had this to add: “I HATE THEM BOTH” What a nice girl!

Former friend and one time director John Woo was spotted at a nearby bus shelter busking had this to say “Beware Tom Cruise! His hair is so nice; I am a big director you know, very big! Who stole my bus fare? Oh that’s right I lost it at the soup kitchen. I’m hungry… Very big director!”

Billionaire director and noted anti-scientologist Steven Spielberg was not present but is said to have personally given Cruise and Holmes a very expensive gift of 6 slaves each representing one of the continents of the world “What people don’t realise is that I’m actually even more rich than they think” remarked the bearded mogul.

Celluloid legend Tom Cruise is said to have given a gift himself to his new child, a 40ft gold statue of himself. “I’m very proud of this statue, it represents all that is good in the world” Unfortunately the action star had to excuse himself after becoming violently ill – most likely due to consuming a raw placenta minutes before, but he did leave us with one final comment “ha-ha don’t ... worry about me! I have a family… I have a wife… I have this baby... and my erghhh … faith!! bleughh… no I don’t need any medicine I’m… fine!!! I know the history of medicine and it’s all a lie! Bleugh…. Why would someone need medicine? I can cure myself! I am … arrrghhhh... Tom!!!! Fear me! FEAR ME!!! (Someone call me a doctor!)”

What a guy! Congratulations to Tom and family!

(*) Please note the above events may not have actually happened.


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