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Friday, September 08, 2006

VIN Exclusive - Tom, Katie & Suri


Special Interview By Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

You may have been wondering "Ty, where have you been the past few months?" and also "How can one man be so sexy, gruff and rough yet still have a heart of gold?" well I can reveal the answer to both with a huge scoop.

There has been plenty of speculation ever since April this year about whether or not Suri Cruise actually exists, with many assuming that the child was a perfect clone of Tom Cruise or even a cyborg created by the Church of Scientology to take over mankind. Of course we at VIN are far too smart to believe in these over the top theories and don’t have the time to listen to such unfounded conjecture when we could in fact be making our own. The media have gone to town mocking Cruise & Holmes and posing bizarre ideas but now Tom has decided to settle this once and for all with a hard hitting interview with myself Tyler "Ty" Deschanel. But before that VIN can exclusively reveal the first shots of Suri taken by acclaimed photographer Annie Leibowitz for the new issue of Vanity Fair brought which also features my full interview in association with VIN.

I spent five days with the Cruise-Holmes extended family at Cruise's Telluride, Colorado, armed compound, sharing meals, taking hikes, hanging out and watching every Tom Cruise film ever made - twice. So it was a pleasure to sit down together with Katie and Tom to discuss Suri and the impact she has had on their lives.

VIN: Tom, Katie thank you for taking the time out to talk to me, it must be quite an exiting time for you now.

Tom: It's as nerve racking as when one of my films comes out though obviously not as nerve racking as when one of Katie's films comes out. Isn't that right dear?

Katie: Well I...

Tom: See we agree!

VIN: Right, right. Katie, the media have really been hard on you, how do you react to what's being said in the press about your family and the baby?

Katie: It's been heartbreaking. Some of the crap that's out there—the stuff that's said about my parents and my siblings it's really frustrating the amount of sh*t that's out there. And the stuff they say about Suri?! You shouldn't say that about us, and you can't say that about my child.

Tom: Or mine, especially mine.

VIN: And what of the comments about Tom's mental health and ability to be a father?

Katie: To see how someone as caring and good as Tom is — to see how things can just get so twisted and turned around. I mean, where does it come from?

Tom: Yes these stories get so out of hand. So I am a huge movie star, does that make me a bad person? So I am a Scientologist, does that make me crazy? So I challenged Brooke Shields to a duel to the death, so what? So I occasionally drink blood to replenish my sexual energies, who doesn’t right?

VIN: So to set the record straight, Tom is not mentally ill?

Katie: Well I didn’t say that.

VIN: And Katie how did you find pregnancy?

Katie: I was overjoyed in being pregnant, and then had to withstand ridicule about my pregnancy when it was the most normal, non-controversial thing imaginable.

Tom: We are normal people. Well she is, I am a Sea Org level Scientologist!

Katie: One day! (Crosses fingers)

Tom: Ha-ha you? No Chance!

VIN: So how do you feel about the strange birthing practises the press reported?

Katie: All those things were invented. I had a normal birth.

Tom: People think giving birth in total silence is difficult but it's not - it was very easy for me; the whole situation was very easy. To compensate for Katie's silence I screamed and raged for sixteen hours straight.

Katie: He's very supportive.

VIN: Tom I have to ask you this, is it true that you ate Katie's placenta?

Tom: Look Ty, here's the thing; the media are always coming out with things I am supposed to have said and things I have not supposed to have said. I have said many things and I have not said many things. I know what I said and what I didn’t say. Here is a thing I am supposed to have done, but I know the history of this and they don't.

VIN: So does that offend you?

Tom: First of all, could you ever imagine sitting down with anyone? I would never sit down with someone and question them on their beliefs.

VIN: Of course, now leading up to the frenzy over the pictures...

Tom: We were just living our lives, being a family. Actually, we were taking our own photos can you believe that! I Tom Cruise was taking pictures like a regular Joe! But yes I am really a regular guy. We always planned to release those at the right time.

Katie: But then all the craziness began, This 'Where is Suri?' controversy. Tom and I looked at each other and said, 'What's going on?' We weren't trying to hide anything.

Tom: Except our baby.

VIN: Did the controversy affect your day to day life?

Tom: I kept thinking why would they do that? That’s incredibly rude. Here I am helping people and then they do this to me. They're jerks... jerks. But I'm working, making my movie, I've got my family. I've got my erotic wrestling. I'm busy. I don't spend my days going, 'What are people saying about me?' Well of course I do but I'm Tom Cruise!

Katie: Yes, yes you are!

VIN: And how about you Katie?

Tom: She's fine!

VIN: How did that moment feel when you first saw her?

Katie: The moment the doctor handed me Suri, I was just ready. The feeling is indescribable. All I can say is the moment I looked in her eyes I felt like ... Mom. She's a glorious girl. She's the miracle of our life."

Tom: Yes this summer has been disappointing what with Mission Impossible 3 bombing mainly down to Ving Rhames - I mean how much screen time does he need? And then this whole Paramount thing and for the record I dumped them so it's nice to have something good in our lives. Though if my next film does big numbers that will be the real miracle! Ha-ha!

VIN: And Tom how do you find fatherhood?

Tom: I find it quite easy and not just because I already have kids, no I think I'm just a great dad because I love my kids you know? I mean here is a child Ty, and here is its father, me, I'm the father. You know what I'm saying?

VIN: Suri is a very pretty baby.

Tom: Yes! She has Kate's lips and eyes.

Katie: I think she looks like Kate. I think she has Tom's eyes. I think she looks like Tom.

Tom: Yes she looks like me your right though I think I'm cuter, I really do.

VIN: Well it seems to me that you both doing a great job, a great job! Thanks for talking to us Tom and Katie!

Tom: Ty, we are just happy to be able to set the record straight exclusively for VIN!

So there you have it, contrary to all other reports Suri Cruise is real and normal and not planning our apocalyptic downfall. After spending almost a week with them even I have to admit the unfeasibly cute kid tugs my macho heartstrings, VIN wishes the Cruises the best of luck!

And finally all I have to say is Shiloh Jolie Pitt who?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shiloh Jolie Pitt is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's daughter. You didn't know? What an idiot!

7:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha ha anonymous, you are hilarious: much funnier than the fools that run this blog!

11:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He's not so funny

5:33 AM  

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