Very Important News


Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Buzz: Carey not quite so fairy... with demands!

Report by Mr Smith

'Screaming banshee' Mariah Carey has had her concert cancelled in Hong Kong due to her "unreasonable" last-minute demands and extremely poor ticket sales.

These may or may not have included bed sheets made out of the feathers of pink ducks, pint-sized music producer
Jermaine Dupri on hand to shout her name, and a variety of gourmet cheese burgers.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Rumour Mill: Getting' Jazzy Wit It

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Will Smith is said to keen on reuniting with Jeffrey "Jazzy Jeff" Townes once again. The duo had considerable success in the 90's as the DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince with hits such as Summertime and Boom! Shake The Room!

However when we caught up with Smith on the set of his new film, he challenged those claims "I don’t know how you got that idea! It's actually Jeff who keeps calling me up begging me to join up with him again! Sometimes he even comes round to the house! Fortunately Uncle Phil is usually around to throw him out."

We at VIN have no idea who this Uncle Phil is.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Rumour Mill: Paris Is Sick

Report by Tyler “Ty” Deschanel

According to my sources, Britney Spear’s new best friend Paris Hilton regurgitated on stage as she attempted to lip-sync to one of her own songs. The incident took place at a Los Angeles nightclub and was witnessed by singer Joshua Radin, who was there to watch rapper Jay-Z perform.

Radin described to VIN the events leading up to Hilton's hurling: "Paris, who had been swilling straight vodka from [a] Grey Goose bottle for hours, gets up on stage, has the people in charge throw her 'record' on the house stereo for her to lip sync two of her songs. She gets up on the stage, pukes, leaves..."

Apparently the crowd were thoroughly impressed as it was actually a more pleasurable experience than her usual singing.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Rumor Mill: Tears as Tom Cruises in a dance

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Our various sources have been telling us that many guests were moved to tears when Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes took to the dancefloor at their lavish Italian wedding to the strains of Fleetwood Mac's ballad Songbird.

The couple allegedly gazed into each others' eyes as they moved in time to the song's refrain: "I love you like never before" as sung by
Tom Cruise himself (while dancing) before he broke off from the dance to the much revered gay dance anthem "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)" by the C&C Music Factory" and ripped off his shirt and screamed effeminately to much delight from the female and some of the male guests. Our source claims that this was the part where most of the guests were moved to tears.

Rumors of him planning to release a greatest hits album/dvd combo boxset of his singing and dancing have yet been unfounded but will not be ruled out.

Friday, November 24, 2006

The Buzz: K-K-Kramer?

Report by Mr Jones

In the wake of his recent furious racist outburst against black hecklers at a comedy club, comedian Michael Richards has denied he is a racist.

The former Seinfeld star, has offered the standard celebrity apology after being caught making highly racist comments.

Richards took to airwaves Monday night to apologize and say he flipped out when he spewed racial epithets during a stand-up comedy routine Friday in Los Angeles.

During an appearance on the "Late Show" with David Letterman, Richards, who played the wacky (but not racist) Kramer, said he lost his cool while being heckled and not because he's a bigot.

Richards, on a video hookup from California, told Letterman, "For me to be at a comedy club and flip out and say this crap, I'm deeply, deeply sorry," adding, "I'm not a racist. That's what's so insane about this, almost as insane as my idea for having Ketchup & Mayo in the same bottle."

Then, his tone became angry and frustrated as he defended himself. Richards grew flustered and expressed second thoughts about appearing on the "Late Show" when some audience members chuckled because he used the term "Afro-American."

Many studio audience members thought the whole stunt was a joke. Richards said, "I lost my temper onstage... I got heckled and I took it badly and went into a rage and said some pretty nasty things to some Afro-Americans."

But Seinfeld, a guest in the studio in New York, took offence when some audience members found his comments funny and began laughing. He said, "Stop laughing. It's not funny." while high-fiving Curb Your Enthusiasm star Larry David.

That's when Richards told Letterman, "I'm hearing your audience laugh, and I'm not even sure that this is where I should be addressing the situation."

His comments came during a scheduled appearance on the show by Jerry Seinfeld, who has called the incident a "Horrible, horrible mistake. We should forget these comments and instead remember the Michael Richards of my hit show which is incidentally now available on DVD!"

In a video of the incident featured on the Web site, Richards purportedly screamed, "Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your ass!"

Directing his anger at one of the men, Richards said, "Throw his ass out," and said, "He's a n***a!" five times.

Also during the three minute tirade, Richards said, "They're going to arrest me for calling a black man a n***a!"

The video shows some people walking out, with others gasping, but there's also some audible chuckling throughout the outburst. Possibly from Wayne Knight who supposedly attended.

The majority of the Seinfeld cast have rallied around Richards. Seinfeld star of the show had this to say "Yes it's true my friend made racist comments, not that there's anything wrong with that! Oh wait a minute, that is wrong, very wrong!"

Julia Louis-Dreyfuss who played Elaine Benes, was stunned when she heard the news exclaiming "Get out!" before knocking over our reporter.

Jason Alexander, the short, stocky, slow-witted, balding actor who played George Costanza only had this to say "Jason is getting frustrated!" whilst Wayne Knight who played devious mailman Newman only chuckled mischievously at the news.

This whole incident has thrown Richards' many business ventures into disarray including The Mansiere (aka The Bro), a bladder system for oil tankers, a pizza place where you make your own pizza and of course his New York based Rickshaws-pulled-by-the-homeless business. His business partner H. E. Pennypacker claimed it was the last time he would ever work with Richards.

Richards is now looking to hire representation to deal with his many upcoming lawsuits. This is most likely to be famous lawyer Jackie Chiles who has notably lost many cases.

VIN believes Richards' is genuinely sorry, especially as this scandal means his career is now effectively dead. VIN would also suggest that Richards and fellow popular actor turned professional racist, Mel Gibson should team up together. With their outrageous antics who knows what would happen!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Rumour Mill: Eva's beaver to meet Beyoncé's B Day?

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

In news that is sure to be very important to a lot of our readers, Eva Longoria and Beyoncé Knowles are in talks to play dirty lesbian lovers in a new movie.

The pair are in negotiations with director Sofia Coppola who is hoping to bring Sarah Water's novel Tipping The Velvet, about sexual repression to the big screen and is desperate for Beyoncé and Eva to take the roles of a 1890s music hall star, Kitty Butler, and her lesbian lover Nan Astley.

"We've had Brokeback Mountain so the time is right for this divine novel to get the same treatment," Beyoncé purred seductively in her underwear. Longoria added whilst writhing: "Yes it's true, we're talking about doing that. It's such a wonderful novel, a beautiful love story."

VIN caught up with Sofia Coppola "This film will be the best ever! Even better than Barb Wire though not as a good as Showgirls."

Beyoncé and Eva are said to be incredibly excited about the steamy love scenes and can't wait for filming on the project to start. A source revealed: "They weren't at all coy about the sex scenes. In fact they both seemed to think it would be more fun than doing the same work with a man. It's going to be very hot." Cinema aficionados across the country are already stocking up on Kleenex.

The Internet has officially announced a national holiday should the film be made.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The Buzz: Splitney Spears!

Report By Mr Jones

In news that has shocked the world, Britney Spears, the former pop star turned professional baby maker, has finalised divorce proceedings from layabout husband Kevin Federline, according to official sources.

Kathy Roberts, a spokeswoman for the Los Angeles County Superior Court confirmed that the singer has filed the case, with Spears claiming "irreconcilable differences" have forced her into the position. According to eyewitnesses Spears then performed a quick medley of her hits all the while carrying her two babies under her arms.

Spears and Federline, who married in 2004 after a whirlwind romance, have two sons together, whom Spears is demanding legal and physical custody of. Federline was often criticised for first turning the classy singer into a trailer trash redneck and then abandoning Britney with the children shortly after her pregnancies while he spent her cash at clubs and strip joints with his friends. He then decided to embark on a thus far extremely successful music career which industry observers say drove Britney "insanely jealous".

VIN will have more on this tragic story soon.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Rumor Mill: Swayze so Crazy for Guys and Bond?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Hollywood has-been' Patrick Swayze gatecrashed the Casino Royale premiere after-party and said he would "love to" have had a role in the film, our sources reveal.

The 'Dirty Dancing surgically enhanced' star joined the glitzy party straight after treading the boards in the London, West End musical Guys And Dolls.

"I shouldn't really be at this bash - I am totally party-crashing," he told our source.

When asked if he would like to play superspy James Bond, he allegedly said seriously: "I do a terribly good English accent. Or is it a not so good terrible English accent? It doesn't matter, I'd love to have a go, maybe not as Bond but at least a villain or a co-spy, or maybe even as the spy's dirty dance teacher who coerces him into the bedroom maybe?"

He also praised 'muscle-bound but ugly' new 007 Daniel Craig for his physique, saying: "He must have worked out really hard to carve that body. Right now though, I feel like I'm finding new muscle groups too - Guys And Dolls are keeping me in shape better than any workout, so is the musical Guys And Dolls!" Before finally muttering "but mostly the guys..."

Is Patrick Swayze-ing the other way? VIN will find out more if and when it happens!

Monday, November 20, 2006

The Buzz: Katie now 'Holme'less as she becomes a Cruise!


Report by Mr Smith

'Resident VIN favorite' Tom Cruise and 'Resident not so VIN favorite' Katie Holmes have wed this weekend in what some have been calling the most extravagant, publicity stunt of the century. Stars such as Will Smith, and George Clooney turned up to the celebrity wedding of the month!

'Never serious actor' Will Smith allegedly told our source: "I had to be there as my wife is friend's with Tom, I am actually his arch rival, his black nemesis if you will. We both compete to putting on the best movie premieres and frankly I am the best."

Our source's conversation was interrupted by a human firework, Tom Cruise himself, when Will exclaimed "NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"

Our source then allegedly managed to have a chat with 'Housewives favorite'
George Clooney: "I sneaked in uninvited as I live next door, they think I'm a silver haired butler"

We will bring you even more exclusive news on this story when it comes!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Buzz: Jackson does NOT Thrill the UK!

Report by Mr Smith

'Ordinarily looking'
Michael Jackson's first UK stage appearance in nine years fell flat on Wednesday night when he joined a group of youngsters on stage to sing only a few lines of 'We Are The World'. During the fleeting performance, his voice appeared to crack and falter on the high notes. Jackson's performance finished when the musical accompaniment disappeared - it was not known whether this was intentional or not.

The 'completely normal and in no way child molesting king of pop' also picked up an award at the World Music Awards. Presenting the award, Beyonce allegedly shouted: "If it wasn't for Michael Jackson I would have never have ever performed nor have implanted fake hair! He's made such a big impact on my life and on every performer's life, and on children in general. Michael Jackson, we love you. Congratulations to the King of Pop and also to me the Queen of Pop, Beyonce Knowles!

His big hit, Thriller, was eventually performed by an alleged musician called, Chris Brown who warbled and 'danced' his way through boos and jeers (allegedly while trying to get into his rental car).

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The Buzz: Winfrey NOT Cruising for a Wedding!

Report by Mr Smith

'Book club member and alleged foul mouth'
Oprah Winfrey will not be attending the wedding of 'photogenic short actor' Tom Cruise and 'not so photogenic taller actress' Katie Holmes.

Winfrey allegedly told US entertainment show Extra, "It's not that I'm not going. It's that they had a limited number of people that they could invite and even though that m*thaf*cking c*nt jumped onto my couch and declared his undying beautiful love for that dirty lil b!tch I was not one of the invitees. That's fine. I don't get invited to everyone's wedding. I don't invite them to everything I do. I had a book club meeting recently, did I invite them? No. But I wish them the best and yes, I'm not going."

Although the media mogul won't be attending the actual ceremony, she will be sending a wedding present. She allegedly added, "I have a great deal of regard for their relationship and so I'm trying to think of what to get them. I was thinking...I'm easier (to shop for) - you can get me a bubble bath I'm okay - but I don't know what to give them! Maybe a ticket to hell m&thaf*ckers!"

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Rumor Mill: Katie Cruising for a Wedding!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Rumor has it that 'rubber faced' Katie Holmes, and 'cult member' Tom Cruise, are to be married this weekend. It has not been confirmed or denied as yet to whether 'Scientologist wacko and founder' L Ron Hubbard will be making an appearance from a spacecraft, nor to whether Katie Holmes will be forced to legally change her name to Tom Cruise.

Stay tuned on VIN for an inside scoop of the wedding, as we will be scaling the walls in order to bring you the first news!

Monday, November 13, 2006

The Buzz: LeBlanc No Longer Desperate?

Report by Mr Jones

Matt Leblanc, the one time Friends star and Joey actor, is set to make a triumphant return to TV this summer.

The weary eyed actor is set to be working on smash hit ABC show Desperate Housewives as a teaboy. He will be dispensing drinks and snacks to the real stars.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

The Buzz: The Name's Vin not Sue

Report by Mr Jones

VIN would just like to clear up that Henry "Love" Vaughn the man trying to sue R Kelly is not Henry Irving Vaughn, the new moniker adopted by the star formerly known as Vin Diesel.

"I'm just a kid from New York and although I do enjoy a good love song, I have never mentored R Kelly. I did however mentor Dean Cain after the Superman show ended." he growled.

And what a good job he did too!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

The Buzz: Borat On Top

Report by Mr Jones

VIN would like to congratulate investigative reporter Borat Sagdiyev whose recent documentary Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, has sailed to the top of the US box Office with the 3rd highest per theatre average of any film ever. This is indeed a huge achievement for the film which presents a highly accurate portrayal of Kazakhstan.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

The Buzz: Kanye West is not Kanye Best!

Report by Mr Jones

Loud mouth rapper
Kanye West lived up to his crazy black man reputation by launching into a profanity laced outburst after failing to take home the gong for 'Best Video' for his 'Touch The Sky' promo at the MTV European Music Awards.

Crashing the stage as winners Justice and Simian collected their silverware for 'We Are Your Friends', the hip hop star spat, "F*** dis! (My video) cost a million dollars, Pamela Anderson was in it, I was jumping across canyons and sh*t! If I don't win, the awards show loses credibility. Nothing against you (Justice & Simian), but hell man!"

MTV bosses laughed this off as the show has no credibility anyway. His verbal tirade left audience members gasping but it didn't end there. After the show the offended star continued to vent his spleen at the press conference. He told the world's media he was upset because he had "the best video."

"I haven't seen (the Justice and Simian video). Possibly it could have been quite good but no way better than 'Touch The Sky'! That is complete bullsh*t, I paid a million! Obviously it's not all about the money, but the response it got transcended everything, it really made great TV! It took a month to film; I stood on a mountain; I flew a helicopter over Vegas! I did it to be the king of all videos and I wanted to walk home with that award!"

He said of the Justice and Simian's win: "That was some spread the love bullsh*t, 'Oh everyone should have an award'. Please press people print Kanye says F*** that!"

Even host Justin Timberlake was shocked but that didn’t stop him making a cheeky comment. The SexyBack singer quipped, "After the show, Kanye will be in the parking lot accepting awards he did not win. Seriously though, I've got sexy covered, it's good to see someone's doing crazy."

While the crowd laughed at his wisecrack it later emerged that Kanye’s burly bodyguards roughed him up while Kanye did indeed accept awards he didn’t win in the parking lot.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Rumor Mill: Oddfellas?

Report by Tyler “Ty” Deschanel

After being dumped by famous Oscar non winner Martin Scorsese in favour of pretty boy Leonardo “Leo” DeCaprio, screen legend
Robert DeNiro is gearing up to star in a new film with hip hop thug 50 Cent. The film sees the pair as cops in New Orleans and is called imaginatively New Orleans.

"Ha ha who would have thought an idiot like me would share the screen with Robert DeNiro! It really shows how bad his career is going! Whereas mine is going sky high! G-g-g-g-g-g-Unit! Oh sorry I seem to have stuttered again, what I meant to say simply is G-Unit – how embarrassing!”

DeNiro fresh from his recent casting as Papa Smurf in Clint Eastwood’s War epic The Smurfs, had this to say, “I am always down with the kids – I once bought a Marky Mark CD so working with Fiddy is not a big deal for me. The film will be all about the blingety bling bling in fact I’m a straight dope.”

We asked him how it felt to be making films without real actors, but all he did was pull his jumper over his head and sing out “I can’t hear you! Lalalalalala” until we left.

Bookmakers across the world are furious as second to
Elvis dueting with 2Pac this unlikely scenario had the highest odds in Vegas. “I’m ruined!” said ruined bookie Art Sheister “If this can happen, anything can! Who knows, tomorrow pigs might fly!” – Clearly he doesn’t know John Travolta has a pilots licence.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Rumor Mill: Lindsay Loves Leeks!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Overrated and under nourished actress'
Lindsay Lohan (gal pal of both Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton) has neither worn bones of deceased dogs nor shouted at passers-by, however she has allegedly taken up a rather more disturbing hobby. Eating.

Apparently a source saw her bite off a bit of a leek one day, on the set of her new movie. "It helps me keep my voluptuous figure" she allegedly said.

Does anyone else think that this leek maybe a stretch too far... for her figure that is?

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Rumor Mill: Hilton shouting all over Paris!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Porn star and alleged singer'
Paris Hilton (Nicole Richie's gal pal) was recently allegedly heard shouting in her namesake Paris (in a city called France): "I'm Paris Hilton! Why don't you look at me?" at confused passersby when they didn't recognise who she was.

When the lookers turned into on-lookers, she mumbled "Why do they look at me? I'm just a normal girl who made her own riches."

VIN is confused too!