Very Important News


Thursday, May 31, 2007

The Buzz: Great Scott!

Report by Mr Jones

English (and therefore classy) director Ridely Scott (no relation to Tony Bennett) was in LA today talking about the recent release of his 2005 mega flop Kingdom Of Heaven on Blu Ray disc.

"I reviewed my Director's Cut of Kingdom of Heaven, which is 3 hrs and 8 minutes thereabouts, on Blu-ray Disc and I was astounded. It was the most impressive thing I've ever seen."

Good to know he is still modest!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Rumor Mill: Lord Of The G-Strings?*

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Lost star Dominic Monaghan has admitted that he likes to dress in women's clothing.

The actor who first shot to fame in the hugely successful Lord Of The Rings films explained that he is happy to describe himself as a "metrosexual" and thinks he "should probably be gay".

"I wear make-up and I paint my nails. I wear high heels and women's underwear. This is all true. I like wearing skirts," Dominic explained. "I should probably be gay but I like women too much."

"I am kind of metrosexual in the sense that, if I do get lost, I do ask for directions. I pull over to gas stations and ask. So I don't know. I guess guys have a lot of pride. And not just gay pride! But just to reiterate I am not actually gay." He then minced off in a ball gown and tiara whilst groping the buttocks of Lost co-star Josh Holloway and singing I Will Survive.

* Not to be confused with the soft core parody of the same name.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

The Buzz: Lucas Star(ts) Wars with Spider-Man 3

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Fat necked director'
George Lucas joined the major newspaper critics in their negative appraisal of runaway blockbuster Spider-Man 3.

In an interview with the 'trashy'
FoxNews Lucas said, "It's a silly movie. ... There just isn't much there. Once you take it all apart, there's not much story, is there?"

One of Lucas' films Star Wars
was also criticized as being "silly," however Lucas proudly noted. "But it wasn't."

An 'incredible' rebuttal from an incredible director.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Rumor Mill: Eager Eva

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

In a strange case of life imitating art, Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria has admitted she recently embarked upon an affair with her own gardener.

What is bizarre is that Longoria isn’t married nor does she have a garden.

However unlike her hit show, her gardener isn’t an attractive hunk but in fact an overweight, one legged Bulgarian. "I just wanted to try something different and naughty! And I'd do it again!" she squealed. In a strange coincidence, a line of unsightly reprobates has appeared outside her Beverly Hills mansion just after this story broke.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Rumor Mill: Paris In Jail. Part 2

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Although Governer Schwarzenegger's recent attempt to kill Paris Hilton failed, Hilton will indeed go to prison.

Never one to miss an opportunity, Hilton will reportedly make a new sex tape in prison featuring her showering with other inmates. We applaud Hilton on her latest endeavour and hope she spends a long time in the slammer. If not for us then for all the perverts out there on the internet!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Buzz: Kelly The Great?

Report by Mr Jones

Suspected kiddie lover / crooner R Kelly has compared himself to some of the greatest icons of the 20th century today.

"My greatest competition is me . . . I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now,"

Let's just hope he doesn't get Parkinson's, get assassinated or get shot by his dad.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Rumor Mill: You Moss Be Joking!

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

VIN has uncovered a shocking new picture of British model Kate Moss without her make up!

Super model? We think not!

Monday, May 21, 2007

Game ON! With Sakura And The Dude: Wii Straps too Wii-k?

Hi guys! With Wii consoles selling out all over the world, Nintendo have a lot to be happy about, but now problems with the Wii straps have forced the gaming giant to revaluate their controllers. Gamers across the world were finding that the new play style of gesturing with the controller dubbed the Wiimote had led to many Wii related accidents and even injuries. Nintendo released the following statement "We will be reinforcing the straps in all new Wii controllers and replacing broken ones but quite frankly anyone who has hit themselves or others with the Wii are stupid malco-ordinated morons and yes that’s our official line."

The dude says: I intentionally hit people with my Wiimote - that way I always win.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

The Buzz: Enough Duff

Report by Mr Jones

One question the public has been asking recently is what has happened to Hillary Duff's face? The formerly pretty teen actress has recently morphed into a rather unattractive lady.

I caught up with Hillary Duff last week for this exclusive interview.

Mr Jones: So Hilary what's happened to your face?

Hillary Duff: I don’t know, I just don’t know. I'm just so ugly now.

There you go, straight from the horses mouth.

Monday, May 14, 2007

The Buzz: Paris In Jail

Report by Mr Jones

As you well know, professional harlot Paris Hilton was recently convicted of breaching her previous DUI order. The heiress then tried to appeal to Governor Schwarzenegger to overturn the sentence. But this was rebuked with extreme prejudice.

Here's what the Governor and former Mr Universe had to say: "I am pushing for the death penalty"

When asked if the death penalty is applicable to such a minor offence, Schwarzenegger became visibly hostile, ripped of his shirt to reveal his bulging pecs and brandishing a pump action shotgun stormed out shouting "Fine then I'll do it myself! Hilton you are checking out!!"

Friday, May 11, 2007

The Buzz: Hollywood congratulates VIN's 1 year birthday

Report by Mr Smith

Everybody in Hollywood knows that last week was a VERY IMPORTANT birthday and to celebrate the Very Important News network held two lavish parties, one in New York and one in Los Angeles on the same day and invited Hollywood's elite, such as the Oscar worthy actor Tom Cruise and the powerfully bearded Steven Speilberg have congratulated VIN on its 1 year birthday.

I caught up with many of the stars from the Los Angeles party, many who flew in straight after the party in New York.

Tom Cruise had this to say:

"Very Important News has been a very important part of my life. This is why I flew (by myself with a jetpack I might add) from the New York party to this party in LA just to celebrate! It's news, reviews, and interviews. I love it! My love for VIN is not an act! It is a fact."

He then broke into an all singing and dancing ode to VIN:


I love VIN
I like to SING
Tom Cruise is KING


Steven Speilberg also spoke some wise words about VIN.

"Before Very Important News, movies were not very important. In fact they were nothing. As soon as Very Important News became what it is today, movies became everything. I love movies and thus, I love Very Important News. It really is the pinnacle of journalism!"

'Chin faced geeky oddball' Quentin Tarantino couldn't hide his excitement and wouldn't hold back his lavish praise on VIN. He shouted to the rooftops while jumping up and down at our celebrity filled party:

"VIN is like, its like, f*cking genious man! it's like me, and the Green Hornet going head to head with Superman and then finding out that we need to kill the Kingpin with our d*cks! It's f*cking crazy! It's f*cking awesome. It's f*cking VIN!"

Sexy Jessica Alba had this to add via phone from New York: "Very Important News made me the sexiest woman in the world (as voted by internet geeks). I love it!"

Even British dames Helen Mirren and Judi Dench managed to link up via satelite from the UK during the dinner. From their wheelchairs they blew kisses and said: "We love you Very Important News" much to the delight of the beautiful American crowd.

Brothers Luke and Owen Wilson cheekily slurred:

"We love VIN, there we said it. Now where's the hot chicks and free booze?"

Jon Lovitz
and Jennifer Aniston showed their loving bond by wishing us thanks in unison saying:

"We love VIN! Thanks for revealing the truth about our relationship."

George Clooney invited himself in to be our silver haired butler for the night was heard to have asked all night: "More wine for the VIN guests?"

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were both very happy to be there and even brought their adopted children, Maddox and Pax with them. Angelina shouted:

"Dance Maddox! Dance for VIN!" While Brad was moving Pax's arms up and down to the sounds of the James Brown classic Living in America. A very sweet couple indeed.

So there you have it. It is official, Very Important News is THE place to read all the world exclusive celebrity news, reviews and interviews. The stars from LA have come out in force and told us so.

We thank them all for their support (some more than others).

loves you all.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

The Buzz: The Stars Come Out To Congratulate VIN

Report by Mr Jones

The Very Important News Network threw two huge lavish parties last weekend in both New York City and Los Angeles to celebrate it's birthday. The events were the biggest bash of the year with the stars queuing up for hours to get in. I caught up with a few of the huge numbers of stars at the NY bash who battled to get in to this oh so exclusive occasion:

"Happy Birthday VIN, your exposing of my lack of talent has been very eye opening!"

Lindsay Lohan

"Wow one year old! You guys are almost as great as me Tom Cruise! No, not really I am the greatest!!"

Tom Cruise

"Wow you're one years old! Here's hoping my career lasts as long!"

Kevin "K-Fed" Federline


Steve Wonder

"Now that’s what I'm talking about! That’s how you have a party! From now on that's how you have a party! Wooo!"

Will Smith

"Diddy says Diddy Birthday to VIN! Diddy What?! Diddy Wow!"

P Diddy

"One year old? That's hot."

Paris Hilton


Nicole Ritchie

"Fancy a go? Only 20 bucks?"

Lee Tamahori

"Ha ha ha ha! Great news! Happy Birthday VIN A-ha ha ha ha"

Jackie Chan

"Happy Birthday Sugar T*ts!"

Mel Gibson

"Wassup Niggaz! Happy Birthday! PS I am available for Bar Mitzvahs."

Michael Richards

"Here's another great quote! A wise man once said "To be good you have to be true to yourself" and that wise man was me, Tom "Tommy" Cruise!"

Tom Cruise

"It's my birthday! I should be getting a birthday not them!"

Kanye West

"Happy Birthday! You do excellent work!"

Matthew Tsoi

"Watch me dance! Watch me dance! Ooh I'm on fire! The Cruise Machine is burning it up!"

Tom Cruise

"Happy Birthday to all your sexy writers!"

Jessica Alba

"Oh Mr Jones you are so hot. Happy Birthday!"

Adriana Lima

"Many happy returns! I love the site!"

Sumit Dutta

"Happy Birthday! I love you! You always support me even during my "crazy" days!"

Britney Spears

"It's your Birthday? Don be stupid, stupid!"


"Hizzle Bizzledizzle!"

Snoop Dogg

"Listen to me carefully..... Happy Birthday.... that is all"

Wentworth Miller

"Ooh Wentworth!!! Happy Birthday VINNY darling!"

Elton John

"Happy Birthday! What!"


"Can't talk! I'm still on the run! Happy Birthday!"

Wesley Snipes

"If I had a birthday, here's how I would do it!"

OJ Simpson

"Happy Birthday old chums!"

Tony Blair

"Happy Birthday! You are not girly men as opposed to all the other web sites! And trust me... I will be back! Get it?"

Arnie Schwarzenegger

".... (snort snort) Happy.... (snort) Birthday!""

Kate Moss

"Hear me growl the words to Happy Birthday! Grrrrwlllll!!"

Vin Diesel

"Heh heh heh heh Happy Birthday!"

George W Bush

"I have to go home now and be with my kids! Thanks for inviting me, Tom aka "Tom Mack Daddy Sex Machine Cruise Missile" Cruise! Happy Birthday VIN!"

Tom Cruise

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Dogg's Eye View: On Spider-Man 3

The Very Important News Network is always endeavouring to bring more distinct viewpoints of all the major events of our times. To that end VIN is proud to introduce our newest guest columnist, Kool Dogg.
Mr Dogg is a “straight up gangsta” from the mean streets of New York
via the tough ‘hoods of L.A. Our new ethnic reporter joins us for his unique take on the news. This uncompromising view represents the hard reality of life and the real word on the streets. Today on VIN, Kool Dogg on the release of Spider-Man 3

“Crazy white folks shooting webs an’ sh*t! They betta come to Compton I show them some real bizness!”

Friday, May 04, 2007



Over the past twelve months we have brought you such groundbreaking and very important stories as Benjamin Bratt's smart career move, Tom Hanks's secret chocolate fetish, Ciara's shocking revelation, Jason Stathams's macho exercise routine, the Dog vs. Man debacle and of course the birth of Suri Cruise!





The Very Important News Network Staff

Thursday, May 03, 2007


As you all know resident ladies man and mans man (but not ladyman man's) Mr Jones have spent the past month hidden away in an exclusive rehab facility in California on a secret mission to expose more secrets than even we can handle!

Completing his course with flying colours last week, Jones proceed to celebrate with some hard liquor in the company of fellow friend and rehabbers Britney Spears and Colin "Luck o' the Oirish" Farrell before setting his sight on his next perilous mission - to break out respected journalist and fellow VIN writer Tyler "Ty" Deschanel from prison!

Ty had been thrown in prison for a DUI offence but his sentence was shockingly increased after he was caught watching a Mel Gibson movie one night - a major offence in Jew-centric Hollywood.

Enlisting the help of Prison Break's Wentworth Miller, Jones hatched a daring escape plan that included many Hollywood A-Listers, Prince, Tom Cruise and involved Wentworth Miller tattooing the blueprints of the prison to his torso which later proved to be a futile gesture as they already had a copy of the map of the prison. Managing to break Ty out they were confronted by a huge number of armed LAPD SWAT and facing the prospect of being sent back to prison Mr Jones called an old ally, one Arnold Schwarzenegger, who had famously credited his entire success to the help of Tinseltown's legendary Mr Jones.

The Governator not only overturned all the charges but also held a ticker tape parade in honour of our VIN heroes "It was the least I could do! I'll be back!" he commented before going to the bathroom and just like he promised the Governator did indeed return shortly after.

"We're back and better than ever!" exclaimed a jubilant Tyler. "And once I pay off my fines I will be in the black once again!"

"Using all of my sexy and classy skills I have pulled off an amazing feat! Well done to me!" remarked Mr Jones.

All we at VIN can say is:

Mr Jones & Ty... its good to have you back!