Very Important News


Wednesday, February 28, 2007

SPOTTED: Week beginning 26th February 2007

Report by Lisa Lucker

:Naomi Campbell shouting abuse at a passer-by in New York.

Naomi Campbell hurling rocks at a passer-by in New York

Naomi Campbell successfully slipping through the arms of a police officer

Tuesday, February 27, 2007


Report by Armitage Smith

Oscar Night 2007.

The glitz, the glamour, the sex, the ill-manners. All year I have been planning a big Oscar night report, and here it is, all the way from cold England to the sexy sun of LA and the good old USA. Armitage Smith brings you Oscar Night exclusively for VIN.

Oscar night is the highlight of many of our lives, and it certainly was a surprise in 2007. This year the show was hosted by
Hollywood's seemingly only fully fledged lesbian, 'funny' Ellen Degeneres and proved to be the most controversial, and sexy Oscars yet, since 2006!

Below are the winners of the Oscars and also some (alleged) choice extracts from the best and oddest acceptance speeches (and also comments from fellow 'stars') of the night.

Oscar Winners

Art Direction: "Pan's Labyrinth''

Guillermo del Toro: -

"This has always been my dream to win an Oscar for Art Direction, I would like to thank Hellboy for helping me in my time of need. Hellboy is real! ARGHHH!"

Sound Editing:
"Letters From Iwo Jima''

Clint Eastwood: -

"It has always been a nightmare to win an Oscar for Sound Editing. I mean what is it anyway? ARGHHH!"

Sound Mixing:

Eddie Murphy: -

"If I sang we would have also won Sound Editing!"

"Pan's Labyrinth''

Guillermo del Toro: -

"What make up? It was all for real! Especially the violence!"

"Pan's Labyrinth"

Guillermo del Toro: -

Guillermo del Toro 3, you guys 0!"

Visual Effects:
"Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"

Gore Verbinski: -

"We will always win as there is no one else worth voting for... (hee hee)"

Actress in a supporting role:
Jennifer Hudson in "Dreamgirls"

Beyonce Knowles: -

"I love her to death, I really do (bitch)"

Documentary Feature:
"An Inconventient Truth"

Al Gore: -

"From presidential candidate to documentary commentator. I am the man!"

Animated feature film:
"Happy Feet"

All the cast of Happy Feet: -

"I could sing and no one could know it was me just incase I was really bad!"

Film Editing: "The Departed"

Martin Scorsese: -

"Really? F*ck me! Well now I better win for the best director or I will be so pissed off that I'll have to send my Boston boys round to the Academy"

Best Director:
Martin Scorsese for "The Departed"

Martin Scorsese: -

"Thank God I won. Suck on that Academy. I mean thank you!"

Actress in a leading role:
Helen Mirren in “The Queen”

Helen Mirren: -

"Next time I will portray the Duchess of York, Fergie to all you American folk. Roll on Best actress of 2008!"

Actor in a leading role:
Forest Whitaker in "The Last King of Scotland"

Will Smith: -

"Woo! Now that's what I'm NOT talking about"

Honorary Academy Award (Oscar statuette):
Ennio Morricone.

and finally, Best Motion Picture: "The Departed"

Martin Scorsese: -

"Winning best picture with a remake has always been my dream. Welcome to Hollywood!"

Academy members: -

"We had to give it to him before he dies. He's dying soon isn't he?"

Below are the lesser awards that the Academy reluctantly allowed awards and acceptance speeches for, and only with much chagrin.

Foreign Language Film: "The Lives of Others"

Animated Short Film: "The Danish Poet''

Live Action Short Film: "West Bank Story''

Actor in a supporting role: Alan Arkin in "Little Miss Sunshine"

Adapted Screenplay: "The Departed"

Costume Design: "Marie Antionette"

Documentary Short Subject: "The Blood of Yingzhou District"

Original Score: "Babel" Gustavo Santaolalla

Original Screenplay: “Little Miss Sunshine” Written by Michael Arndt

Original Song: "I Need to Wake Up" from "An Inconvenient Truth" Music and Lyrics by Melissa Etheridge

And there you have it. The Academy awrds of 2007. Till next year, Armitage Smith, signing out.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Rumor Mill: Timberlake Says Britney Slurs Are SexyWhack!

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

In heart-warming news, Justin Timberlake has come to the defence of ex girlfriend Britney Spears bizarre new shaved (and not in the good way) hair cut

"It was a smart choice; she is starting over, cleaning herself up. It was something you wouldn’t expect most people to do, so she is taking a chance." He said while trying to hide his chuckling.

"She looks amazing, very GI-Jane, she can pull off anything." He said whilst winking at us and nudging us in the ribs before slinking into the shadows of the night...

Friday, February 23, 2007

SPOTTED: Week beginning 19th February 2007

Report by Lisa Lucker

SPOTTED: Ricky Martin ordering food at a Taco Bell in LA.

Benjamin Bratt serving at a Taco Bell in LA.

Scarlett Johansson on the set of her new movie.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Rumor Mill: Timberlake Cupid To Ferderline's Stupid?

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Dick In A Box star Justin Timberlake has told Kevin Federline that he will help him to win back recently shaved (and not in the good way) Britney Spears.

The SexyBack singer was approached for assistance by failed rapper and roadkill connoisseur Federline at a pre-Grammy party recently. Although he was initially unsure about helping the aspiring rapper, Timberlake finally agreed after being spurred on by his mother Lynne.

Justin exclusively told me: "I'm hoping I can get Britney and Kevin talking and I'll then slink off and leave them to it." He then added under his breathe dramatically "Whilst lurking in the closet videotaping them secretly getting it on before slinking into the shadows of the night!"

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Rumor Mill: Heather Plans To Stick The Foot In

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

According to a report in the Sunday Mirror, famous scheming divorcee Heather Mills is planning to make a highly unfunny sounding cartoon series about estranged husband Paul McCartney and his family. Heather will portray Macca as a Homer Simpson-style slob in the show - ingeniously called The McFartneys. The former Beatle's children Stella, James and Mary will also appear, while Mills herself will be shown as a hard-working supermum and not a one legged gold digger.

A source told the newspaper: "This shows the lengths Heather Mills will go to in her attempts to blacken Paul's name. She wants it to be a cross between The Simpsons and South Park and reckons it will get cult status. She'll clearly be sadly mistaken. She's saying the series will expose everything that has gone on and goes on in the McCartney family, all under the guise of the cartoon characters. But most of it has been dreamed up and cast from her skewed and twisted imagination."

Bizarrely the source turned out to be Heather Mills herself.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The Buzz: Britney Shaved (And Not In The Good Way)

Exclusive Report by Mr Jones

In related news to the non-shocking revelation Britney Spears is a mental case, the once teen star now stripper wannabe has shaved off her own hair during a visit to a Los Angeles salon on Friday.

The "Crazy" singer who also once sang a song called Crazy asked for the extreme new look at Esther's Haircutting Studio, but hairdresser Esther Tognozzi told the star that she was afraid to oblige in case Spears decided to sue her for ruining her image.

Unimpressed with Tognozzi's reluctance, Britney picked up the hair clippers and did the job herself whilst muttering profanity laced versions of her famous song lyrics under her breath.

"I just cleaned it up when she was done with it," Esther explained.

She added that Britney was "just there in body and not really emotionally there" and later added "plus I hate her anyway". Whether Tognozzi was actually
Christina Aguilera in disguise as widely suspected is thus far unknown.

Will this new bold bald look work for Britney? Time will tell but we suspect no.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Rumor Mill: Anthony for the role of Head teacher?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'British eccentric' Anthony Head (Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) is rumored to be making a comeback to the television screens as a head teacher in the remake of Saved by the Bell.

He was allegedly reported to have said "I would really like the role of
Mr.Belding as my last name is Head, and he was a head teacher."

Talks with Head's ex co-star and 'ex-actor' David Boreanaz have also been rumored to bear fruit. Insiders have told me that the part of Screech is still up for grabs. This is due to the fact that Dustin Diamond has been refused to audition.

wonders why, but would certainely like to see Dustin Diamond back on our screens, albeit probably not in the way that he wants.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

The Buzz: 13 No Longer Unlucky!

Report by Mr Jones

VIN exclusively revealed last year that in addition to Al Pacino, Jennifer Lopez’s ass (but crucially not J-Lo herself) will join the cast of the upcoming Ocean’s 13. But now VIN can exclusively reveal the final big name to join the all-star cast. The second sequel to 2001’s original reunites the whole cast but this time the team headed up by George (Return of the Killer Tomatoes!) Clooney and Brad (Cool World) Pitt also will be joined by none other than 90's superstar Pauly Shore!

“I really wanted Dudley Moore cos he was just so dapper in Arthur but then I found out he’s dead, and when Ralph Macchio turned me down again I decided to settle for Pauly.” remarked director Steven Soderburgh

Jon Lovitz was apparently the first choice but his recent romance with Jennifer Aniston has seen his star power diminish considerably.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Rumour Mill: Beverly Hills Kook?

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Ex comedian Eddie Murphy is taking a break from impregnating woman and then ditching them to star in Beverly Hills Cop 4.

The 80's original cemented Murphy as a rising star but years of bad choices have seen his career hit the bricks. He then recently was involved in a relationship with Spice "Girl" Mel B and allegedly got her pregnant before dumping her for another woman. Murphy desperately tried to explain when we caught up with him.

"Hey man, that whole Mel B thing that ain't nothing man! It was a mistake! Remember when I picked up that transvestite hooker? Well that’s what I thought when I met Mel! I thought she was a transvestite! Man that's the only reason I hooked up with her! If I had known she was an actual woman then I would never have tried it man!"

Glad to hear he's cleared that up then!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

SPOTTED: Week beginning 12th February 2007

Report by Lisa Lucker

: Jerry Seinfeld going to Fort Knox and leaving with a big bag full of money.

Al Pacino randomly shouting profanities at little children in Central Park.

George Clooney on the set of his new movie.

Monday, February 12, 2007


VIN is proud to annouce that a new writer is joining the ranks of the journalist elite. She is not only pretty, not only smart, she is also blonde and an all American former cheerleader!

'Self-professed internationally acclaimed''
Lisa Lucker will be our sexy correspondant, exposing the crevices of Hollywood, looking for the celebrities and telling you, our beloved readers, exclusively where they are, what they are doing and when they were doing it!

When the action happens, when there is no one around, Lisa Lucker will be there. Exclusively for the
Very Important News network.

! Be prepared!

Friday, February 09, 2007

The Buzz: De Niro's not so secret shame!

Report by Mr Smith

'Ex actor and full time funny face maker' Robert De Niro has been given the honour first place in the 25 Most Shameless Paycheck Grabbing Roles In History.

It was for his well-paying part in kids' movie The Adventures Of Rocky And Bullwinkle.

A critic for Entertainment Weekly, who compiled the poll, said: "He was the young Vito Corleone. He was Travis Bickle. He was Jake La Motta, Rupert Pupkin, and Al Capone. He's been nominated for six Oscars. He is our greatest living actor. No question, no room for debate. And yet, there is that one little aberration. Little? Who am I kidding? One huge-ass aberration called The Adventures Of Rocky And Bullwinkle."

Robert De Niro declined to comment but he managed to force a gurn instead.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Rumor Mill: Vida Living La Vida Loco?

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Playboy model Vida Guerra has revealed her plans to start an all-girl pop group to challenge the likes of the Pussycat Dolls and Brit band Girls Aloud.

According to British tabloid The Sun, the model is launching her pop career in 2007 and is currently busy creating a back-up band of "drop-dead gorgeous dancers and singers".

Guerra said, "I wanted hot girls with great bodies. The choreographers were like 'Wow, that's good. Other artists usually pick ugly girls because they want to be the one who shines on stage. And no I don’t care they can't sing -it's pop music!'

"I want eye-candy. I got an Asian girl, an Indian girl, two Spanish girls, two black girls...and a white girl. I've got the best of everything." This seems to be a method that worked for Noah so Vida's plans seem sure to be successful.

VIN will be following this intriguing story closely... very closely.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

The Buzz: Beckham Cruised to Tom for advice

Report by Mr Smith

'Ex soccer model'
David Beckham revealed to me that he turned to pal and 'cult follower' Tom Cruise to make sure he'd made the right decision to sign up for life in Hollywood.

Speaking to me directly via satellite from his current home in Spain, the former England soccer captain allegedly said, "I was on the phone to him for about an hour last night and then an hour the night before. I asked him for his advice... because he told me that he was a very wise man, and also that he will be a good leader for me... He couldn't speak any higher than what he was saying about himself, and also LA and that it will be a big help for us to know him."

Cruise was one of the first people to find out about his pal's move to the US. Beckham allegedly added, "I phoned him and said there might be an announcement. He replied, 'what annoucement? I haven't done anything today!' "

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Rumor Mill: Sienna all of Miller?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Jude Law's on and off girlfriend has laughed off claims her sex scenes in Factory Girl with co-star Hayden 'Darth Vader' Christensen were real - insisting she's just a good actor. Her publicist allegedly insisted, "When you do a love scene there is a minimum of five people in the room. There's no real sex and the scene proves she knows how to give a good performance. Unless of course it is pornographic film, (and by pornographic film, I mean this film), then yes, it probably is real.

The actress recently unsurprisingly revealed she was terrified about watching the sex scenes at a screening of the film which she attended with her parents. She said, "I was sitting next to my dad and I just literally leant over and put my hands over (his eyes). It's quite embarrassing."

Hayden Christensen declined to comment, but was allegedly to have been seen having a sheepish grin, a box of tissues, and Factory Girl on pirate DVD.

Monday, February 05, 2007

The Buzz: I'm the George Bush of Hip Hop

Report by Mr Jones

Rapper 50 Cent has stated that he is the George W Bush of Hip Hop, because nobody likes him.

The rapper has admitted that he likes and identifies with the American President, but has no desire to take his place.

He told Contactmusic: "You wanna know something? I actually like Bush. In some ways, I'm the George W Bush of Hip Hop - nobody likes me, but I'm still gonna run it for the next four years."

"I don't need that kind of pressure [though]. All I need is a sequel to my video game and a new hit single," the heterosexual star added.

However unlike the real George Bush, 50 Cent will not be going to war against Iraq, instead he will be going to war with the lesser known Middle Eastern state of Qatar.

Friday, February 02, 2007

The Buzz: Cage Banks On Success

Report by Mr Jones

VIN World Exclusive
(Click on image for larger version)

After the huge success of National Treasure, The Rock and to a lesser extent Gone In 60 Seconds and Coyote Ugly, Nicolas Cage has again teamed up with super producer Jerry Bruckheimer and D&T Films to star in a new action film for summer 2007. The film directed by fellow Bruckheimer stalwart Tony Scott is called BANK DAY and is set in the high stakes world of finance. Official Press release below:

"When Guy Normal (Nicolas Cage) an innocent man is over charged by his nefarious bank he must infiltrate the banks customer services department and get his refund. Standing in the way is the villainous Bank Manger Ernest Richmoney (John Malkovioch) and his assistant managers Richard Knuckles (Michael Clarke Duncan) & Miguel Tequila (Danny Trejo).

There he will team up with the plucky and sarcastic Cockney janitor Rogers (Jason Statham), reclusive tax expert Art Bollinger (Steve Buscemi) and sexy Citizens Advice Bureau Agent Taylor (Liv Tyler) to get his refund the only way he knows how... with explosive and sexy results!"


This Summer, Bank or be Banked"

We caught up with Jerry and Nic to see what they had to say.

Jerry: It's gonna be great!

Nic: I also think it will be great.

VIN has exclusive access to this film and will be bringing you more about this no doubt soon to be huge action spectacular!

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Rumor Mill: It ain't funny for Lopez

Report by Mr Smith

'Funnyman' George Lopez (no relation to Jennifer Lopez) has
launched a scathing attack on Jay Leno branding the chat show host "the worst interviewer on TV." Lopez has dubbed Leno "two faced" for failing to invite him onto 'The Tonight show' since 2005 - despite pretending to be a good friend of the star on the phone.

He says, "Leno is the biggest two-faced dude in TV. When I had my transplant, he called me and was the nice guy on the phone. And then he just puts the knife in your back.
The dude's, like, the worst interviewer on TV. It ain't funny, much like the terrible song by the unrelated Hispanic diva Jennifer Lopez"