Very Important News


Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The Buzz: Dustin Diamond's diabolical design

Report by Mr Smith

Sex tape connisseur' Screech (aka Dustin Diamond) has been "quarantined" from the rest of the cast of Celebrity Fit Club after fighting with fellow contestants. Screech got into a very public row with contestant Kimberly Locke, which caused her and 1980s pop singer Tiffany to storm off the set. After the women walked off the program, producers halted production and sent the cast home.

During the heated argument Diamond allegedly said, "Screw Kimberly Locke
. I'm going to make a dildo of my c**k and f**k her with it. That rhymes too b*tches!" After Locke gave producers a "him or me" ultimatum, they decided to exile Diamond from other cast members.

Diamond is said to be dusting off his new dildo as we speak.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The Buzz: Diddy Is The Daddy

Report By Mr Jones

Flamboyant Playboy and sworn enemy of the English language, P Diddy is a father once again. The rapper, real name Sean Combs, has just had male twins with long term girlfriend and mother of his other children Kim Porter.

Here's what he had to say "Diddy's been making babies! Wooo! You know what that’s about! Wooo! Bad Boy for life! Diddy forever and ever.... and ever!" he exclaimed before dancing a merry jig.

Let's hope they won't be a couple of Bad Boys!

Monday, January 29, 2007

The Buzz: The Thetan Beckham's for Cruise

Report by Mr Smith

'Sane superstar'
Tom Cruise may be planning to follow in the footsteps of John Travolta and make a movie based on the ideas of Scientology founder L.Ron Hubbard. According to one of my sources Cruise has already cast former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham to star in the movie, titled The Thetan in the role of an "alien bride."

In Hubbard's thinking, "the thetan" is the spiritual part of man that advances from one lifetime to the next, inhabiting the minds and bodies of generations of individuals. According to my source, Cruise is financing the movie on his own after, for some bizarre reason, the major studios rejected it.

VIN thinks that this will be a success...

Friday, January 26, 2007

The Buzz: Chevy Chase-ing away addiction

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

According to my various sources 'Ex-comedian' Chevy Chase has announced to the world that he underwent rehab treatment for an addiction to painkillers.

Why anyone would want to know mystifies even the hardened VIN viewer. Just remember that you heard it here first!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Rumor Mill: Whitney's Ray of Joy?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Drug diva' Whitney Houston
allegedly dating 'ex R&B singer' Brandy's brother (a man called Ray J). They both seemed smitten eating at a steakhouse.

Ray J is 18 years younger than Houston and not very successful in whatever he is doing at the moment. However, judging by Whitney's former husband (the nefarious Bobby Brown) can she really get any worse?

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The Buzz: Elton John wants to get his hands on Superman's part

Report by Mr Jones

Sir Elton John's charitable attempts to buy a part in the next Superman film were foiled recently.

The 'I’m Still Standing' singer bid £40,000 at a fundraising event for the Old Vic theatre in London yesterday, but was outbid by British businessman Sir Philip Green.

Other auctions included a dinner date with heiress socialite Paris Hilton, which was snapped up for £30,000. The Old Vic's director Kevin Spacey camply hailed the event as a "really valuable contribution to our work at the theatre darlings!”

VIN is not surprised that Elton went after the part considering the
new direction of Superman Returns 2.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Rumor Mill: Jerky Chan?

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

In shocking news, Hong Kong action legend Jackie Chan has admitted he once starred in a soft core porn movie when he was a struggling actor.

The martial arts expert, famous for his death-defying stunts world over, appeared in a Hong Kong made X-rated movie entitled "All In The Family" 31 years ago when he was an unknown 21-year-old.

However, Chan, now 52, insists he is not ashamed of the film and says if you watch the flick you will see that it is very tame compared to modern porn.

He revealed to Britain's Daily Express newspaper, "I had to do anything I could to make a living but I don't think it's a big deal - even Marlon Brando used to be exposed in some of his movies. The porn movies at that time were far more conservative than the current films." Later adding "I'm not Dustin Diamond for gosh sakes and no I'm not ashamed, in fact it's a lot better compared to some of my new films!"

Chan isn't the only Hollywood action hero with a hidden past.

Before making it in Tinseltown "Rocky Balboa" star Sylvester Stallone appeared in a soft-core porn film entitled "Party at Kitty and Stud's."

The movie (which was originally a hardcore movie before the most graphic scenes were cut) was re-released after Stallone became a superstar under the title "The Italian Stallion"- a reference to boxing character Rocky's in-ring nickname. Allegedly Stallone is planning a sequel to the skinflick if new movie Rocky Balboa flops.

Jackie was also recently injured in Paris on the set of Brett Ratner's highbrow epic period drama Rush Hour 3. This is the 46,092th injury Jackie has sustained yet he won't let it stop him "I will be making films even when I'm in a wheelchair! Ha ha ha ha!" he said from a wheelchair.

VIN wishes him a speedy recovery and also wishes him success in both of his film careers!

Monday, January 22, 2007

Game ON! With Sakura And The Dude: PS3 Launch Violence

Report by Sakura Yamamoto & The Dude

Hi guys!!! Violence sadly marred the launch of the Sony PlayStation 3 last month when a gamer was shot dead trying to buy the much hyped console. Early reports suggest that the shooter was Bill Gates while other rumours indicate it was a bunch of Nintendo die hard fans high on Magic Mushrooms.

The Dude says: I blame Grand Theft Auto. I used to have so much free time before that game came out, now I don't have any.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Rumor Mill: The King Scared Of The Queen?

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Self styled King of Pop and acquitted kiddie fiddler Michael Jackson pulled out of attending the British Royal premiere of Casino Royale last November because he was apparently afraid to meet the Queen.

The Thriller singer voted "Worst Person To Baby-sit Your Kids" by a recent poll, was in the UK already at the time of the Royal Command Performance of the film, and was invited to attend, but my sources tell me he was too nervous about talking to Queen Elizabeth that he decided not to go.

He did not miss out on the film, however, as the movie's producers supplied him with a personal copy, which he watched in his London hotel room. Reports that he was spotted hours later selling bootleg copies of the movie in Chinatown, are thus far unsubstantiated.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

The Buzz: Clooney Hams It Up

Report by Mr Jones

In tragic news George Clooney's much loved pot bellied pig, Max, has died.

The 19 year old porcine porker was Clooney's favourite pet for many years and even accompanied him to the Oscars last year. Rumours also suggest that the hog was even a sexual partner but these were most likely started by "pal" Brad Pitt as a prank.

The Oscar-winning actor, 45, who owned the pig for 18 years and reportedly once said the porker, was his longest relationship, told USA Today, "I was really surprised, because he's been a big part of my life."

Clooney intends to mark this tragic event with some roast pork, meanwhile Rosanne Barr and & Oprah Winfrey are the frontrunners in the race to portray Max in the planned Hollywood biopic.

Monday, January 15, 2007

The Buzz: George Dubya hits back at Moore

Special Report By Mr Jones

President George W Bush unleashed an unprecedented outburst on chubby liberal troublemaker Michael Moore this morning. The statement came as a direct response to Moore’s earlier statement last week about the War on Terror.

“He thinks he can say whatever he wants. But is that all he can do? Talk some untruths about me and my shady dealings? If he wants a war I’ll give him a war – hey I’ve started wars over less. You want some Moore? You think your stupid films make a difference? I’m the freaking president! I can do whatever the hell I want to and there’s nothing you can do about it! Moore I will kick your ass all over Capital Hill! You think you’re tough? Well I have just three words for you: Just bring it, you fat motherf**ker!”

Thursday, January 11, 2007

The Buzz: Tyra doesn’t Bank on Diddy

Report by Mr Jones

A fan on a chat show stunned rap star P Diddy by proposing to him live on air.

During The Tyra Banks Show, guest Irene was answering questions about her obsession with the rapper, and had no idea that he would feature on the show. However, when P Diddy burst onto the set through a giant picture of himself Irene said, "I have one question for you. Would you marry me?"

P Diddy, real name Sean Combs, made his excuses saying "I'm not ready for marriage", but Irene was quick to reply, retorting "You will be in one year and 22 days - I'll be 18."

Diddy then told her that he was expecting a second child with his girlfriend Kim Porter, to which the teenager remarked "she's nothing like me" - leaving the audience in hysterics.

Unfortunately Diddy assumed the audience were laughing at him. He was so incensed that he went up to each audience member and rapped a personal “diss” to them – alas as Diddy isn’t a particularly good rapper he struggled to think of relevant verses and could not rhyme most of the words and later left the stage dejected

However just as the audience were about to leave, he then reportedly jumped back on stage and broke in to an elaborate 17 minute dance routine which allegedly left onlookers amazed and drowsy. Irene had this to say “After I met him today I love him even more!”

“Diddy has danced his way back into their hearts!” hollered a triumphant Diddy. “This is a victory for the Diddy! Diddy-One, The World-Zero!”

Meanwhile Tyra Banks has confirmed he will not be allowed to ever appear on her show again.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Rumor Mill: Miller gay rumors WentWORTH any value?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Double Surnamed' Wentworth Miller has metaphorically slammed rumors into the earth's core that he has been 'lanced' and is a raging homosexual by insisting he is straight. The 34-year-old star is still adjusting to life in the spotlight and the intense media scrutiny surrounding his personal life. He allegedly explained to my source:

"No, I'm not gay. I know these rumors are out there... I'm cool with the fact that they exist, I mean this is about fantasy. Certain people are going to have certain fantasies. If someone wants to imagine me with a woman, or a man or one of each, or me with a horse, or a dog with me, or a dog and horse and chicken and man with me, that's cool with me as long as you keep watching the show. It's all about the bucks baby!"

All about getting those (young handsome) bucks indeed!

Friday, January 05, 2007

Rumor Mill: Moss & Doherty Thai The Knot?

Report by Mr Jones

Following our exclusive, earlier this week overrated "model" Kate Moss and drug aficionado Pete Doherty have tried to get hitched again in Thailand.

The untalented but strangely popular couple exchanged vows on a beach in Phuket accompanied only by close friends and family.

However a source who was present indicated that unbeknownst to Moss & Doherty the ceremony was not a matrimonial blessing but was in fact an ancient Thai curse!

Thursday, January 04, 2007

The Buzz: Alba Gets Full Marks From Students

Report by Mr Jones

Hollywood actress Jessica Alba has picked up a strange honour in a recent opinion poll.

According to British tabloid The Sun, Alba has been voted as the celebrity that most students would like as a substitute teacher for the day. The Sin City actress was voted at the top of the list and apparently beat the likes of Oprah Winfrey and Angelina Jolie in order to claim the top spot in the poll carried out by the National Education Association. Aging star Madonna’s entry in the poll was refused after it was discovered she hired underprivileged African children to vote in their thousands.

One teen had this to say “She forced us to vote for her! She said she would adopt us if we didn’t! I wanted to vote for Alba, she makes my pants tight!” You’re not the only one friend!

When we asked Jessica Alba about this accolade she said “Like dude that is a… uh a totally… umm what’s that word? Umm uhh… oh yeah good! Like totally good.”

Yes VIN agrees she would make a fine teacher!

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Rumour Mill: For Pete's sake! Moss to marry Doherty

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Kate Moss is in the headlines again after agreeing to marry fellow untalented, overrated, ugly, goggle-eyed, disease ridden "singer" Pete Doherty. The controversial couple tried to get married earlier this year in Las Vegas but even the usually liberal 'in it for the money' Vegas church threw them out due to their unsightly appearance.

The pair will instead get married at a local public toilet - "It's where they first met and continues to be their favourite hang out. It's all so romantic!" drooled a close friend / junkie.

Monday, January 01, 2007


We at Very Important News would like to wish all our readers and supporters (statistically sexier and smarter than the average human) a very Happy New Year! May the coming year bring happiness, health and more scandalicious events!

VIN will be keeping an even closer eye (if that’s possible) on all the latest news and rumours this year! Watch this space!

The Very Important News Staff