Very Important News


Friday, September 29, 2006

The Buzz: Up, Up and A gay!

Report by Mr Jones

Superman Returns director and flaming homo(*) Bryan Singer has blamed the relative lack of success of Superman on its "lack of gayness".

Singer went on "I mean I was really pushing for a pink costume and changing Lois Lane into Louis Lane, but they said oh no Superman isn’t gay; darling a corn fed white boy in a skin tight costume? I mean come on! Come on! And yes I'd like to! Wink wink!"

Brandon Routh the star of the recent comic book adaptation was seen trying to run away from both Singer and co-star Kevin Spacey on the set. When VIN caught up with Spacey on set he had this to say "No I'm not gay at all! How could you even think that Mr Jones! I was just trying to help Brandon with his lines and his cod piece slipped so I offered to re adjust it with my mouth - that’s perfectly normal!"

Warner Brothers are considering making the sequel gay however "The first one was straight and bombed, maybe a big gay Superman is what the world needs! So Superman 2 will be about his efforts to score with Jimmy and the big action set piece will be a 6 man gang bang! If that doesn’t pull in the crowds I don’t know what will!" grimaced Warner boss Alan Horn.

(*) Please note VIN does not condone or support homophobic behaviour.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The Buzz: Orlando is pissed Hoff

Report by Mr Jones

Professional wet blanket and girl look-alike Orlando Bloom has rudely declined German Uber-star David Hasselhoff's request that he play his son in the highly anticipated Knight Rider film.

When the pair recently crossed paths in Hollywood, the former Baywatch star and Kraut megastar took the opportunity to tempt Bloom, but alas without success.

The Pirates of the Caribbean star told Contactmusic: "I was pounced upon by David in Los Angeles. He'd heard I was a big fan of the old show and said, 'Hi, yes I am David Hasselhoff. We're doing a movie version and I'd love you to play my son in it.'

I replied, Er, well, that sounds great but you'd need to speak to my manager about it. Incidentally Knight Rider is totally gay."

Hasselhoff was so angered by the young star's uncouth behaviour he almost beat a nearby homeless man to death before launching into a medley of his hits.

"I was stunned! There was Orlando Bloom and David Hasselhoff right in front of me! I was about to ask for an autograph but then Orlando seemed to say something that offended David and he flew into a rage before singing to the crowd! It was incredible! We were all captivated" said "innocent" bystander actor Mel Gibson.

Herr Hoff who famously reunited East and West Germany in the 90's is reportedly devastated by the rejection and will be recording a power ballad detailing the incident. "It's called "Don’t Cry For Me KITT" it's gonna be great!" Bloom instead will focus on his next his flop movie The Whiny Crybaby.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The Buzz: No Parties For Osbourne

Report by Mr Jones

Following up on our report in July on Kelly Osbourne, it seems now the situation is becoming political. Political parties are so sure that supporting the proposed blanket ban on Kelly Osbourne will boost their popularity that they have based their entire manifestos around the issue.

"This is a dynamite strategy for the Republicans! Four more years!" whooped republican senator Terry McTexas. "We are saying we will raise taxes, lower quality of public services and next year go to war against every non - Christian and non -English speaking nation, but we will also force Osbourne to be kept away from society forever! So far our approval ratings are through the roof!"

The Democrats are said to be adopting a similar tactic "We will also ban Osbourne but we will go further and ban all of the Osbournes too!" sneered Hilary Clinton. "If this doesn’t get me the presidency in 2008 then I'll blow my top! And not in the way that my husband did with that intern either!"

So far Osbourne has not commented due to the TV ban but word of mouth indicates that even her family agree with the complete ban. "She's simply awful, she makes the rest of us seem normal!" whined famously incoherent father Ozzy Osbourne.

Monday, September 25, 2006

The Buzz: It's Janet - Miss Fatt Butt if you're nasty

Report by Mr Jones

Janet Jackson has claimed her brother, 80's icon and suspected molester, Michael Jackson's "brutal" childhood taunts gave her a weight complex.

The generously proportioned singer who famously exposed her breast a few years ago to much disgust and who also supposedly once had a singing career, said she started to flash diet and grew obsessed with her size after her more famous brother called her names such as “fat butt”.

“I was always made to feel I was a fat kid by Michael," the 40-year-old tubster told Q magazine. “He’d call me brutal names... it really affected me, even as an adult.”

Jackson added that she has forgiven Michael and put his attacks down to his own "issues”. "I forgive him and now I feel great I don’t feel fat at all" she mumbled while gorging on a 4 gallon tub of ice cream, "I am in a relationship with Jermaine Dupri and I have an average new song out which is doing averagely! I couldn't be happier!" she rasped. She also refuted that she put on the weight after being inspired by The Nutty Professor which she starred in.

Michael Jackson later added from his fortress in Bahrain "I was just being a responsible brother by helping my very obese sister become healthier - look at me I am the very picture of health; everyone should aspire to look just like me. Shamon"

Friday, September 22, 2006

The Buzz: Matt Dumbman?

Report by Mr Jones

Mental charity activists are trying to ban Matt Damon's next film The Bourne Ultimatum. The sequel to the spy thriller The Bourne Identity sees Damon as a spy who travels around Europe beating people up. However not everyone is a fan of Matt Damon's movies.

"Didn’t you see Team America? This man clearly needs medical attention yet those awful Hollywood producers keep forcing him to make films! Mental illness is not a joke! Apart from The Cosby Show all portrayals of mental illness have rung false and have only furthered stereotypes! Matt Damon is a victim, he needs help!" moaned Thelma Beaujolais head of the American Mental Institute.

But Bourne director Paul Greengrass is on the offensive "Hey if Matt doesn’t want to make the film he doesn't have to. No one is holding him at gunpoint!" he said whilst pointing a gun at Ben Affleck who in other news has just agreed to star in Greengrass's next film.

Although Damon wouldn’t speak to us directly his publicist did issue this statement: "Matt Damon, Matt Damon"


Thursday, September 21, 2006

Rumour Mill: The tooth about Alba

Report by Tyler “Ty” Deschanel

According to my secret sources, pouty fanboy fave Jessica Alba
has damaged her teeth during an intense sex scene for her new suprisingly non-comic book related film, Good Luck, Chuck.

The saucy actress had to take part in a passionate kissing sequence with “jammy” co-star Dane Cook, but the scene was so intense she lost one tooth and chipped another. The new look has worked well for Alba though as she has already been snapped up for Bumfights 2 where she will scrap with real life hobos and bums over discarded food and booze.

In an exclusive interview with VIN, she revealed: "We did all of our love scenes in one day and I chipped a tooth and I lost a tooth, isn't that disgusting? But I’m really looking forward to doing Bumfights it’s easily my most dignified role."

Yes Alba that IS disgusting… and sexy.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Rumour Mill: To Cowardly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

TV legend and current laughing stock William Shatner is wary of Sir Richard Branson's offer to take him into space for real.

Shatner, Star Trek's Captain Kirk, revealed he was too scared to accept a place on Virgin Galactic’s first ever passenger flight, the VSS Enterprise, without thinking twice.

“Shatner's log. Star date... today. I am... interested in man’s march into the... unknown. But to vomit in space is not my idea of... a good time," he explained dramatically. “Neither is... a fiery crash with the vomit hovering over me.”

Bizarrely Sir Richard said he never asked Shatner to be part of the celebrity laden 2008 flight that also includes other space themed celebs such as Alien's Sigourney Weaver, Star Wars' Mark Hamill and of course Woody Allen.

Podgy actor Shatner added that he was still considering the offer. He commented: "I do want to go up but I need guarantees I’ll definitely come back. Shatner has plenty more ladies to love whether they are white, Klingon, Vulcan or even Asian!” He said to an unimpressed audience at a book signing unrelated to him.

Star Trek co-star Leonard Nimoy has said he would accompany Shatner if he did decide to go to space. "The mystifying mystery of the cosmos is a celestial paradox that obfuscates man's never ending yearning to break free from the shackles of our terrestrial bonds. Nimoy must be one with the universe's greatest secrets." He also added thoughtfully "If Bill refuses to go, maybe I'll go with Uhura, I dig black chicks."

Shatner only had this in response: "No way am I going with that fruitcake!"

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Buzz: Lance Lances Matthew?

Report by Mr Jones

The whole world has been asking one question over the past few weeks: are Lance Armstrong (famous for winning the Tour de France whilst bravely battling cancer) and Mathew McConnaughey (famous for playing the bongos naked) an item? Well VIN can exclusively reveal the answer is: maybe.

The two studs moved in together recently after McConnaughey split up with so-so actress Penelope Cruz and Armstrong split with so-so singer Sheryl Crow, but the guys aren’t just attracting the attentions of their new neighbours. Word has it the two are actually involved in a seedy gay relationship! A secret VIN source (who contrary to reports is NOT Vin Diesel) went undercover to find out the truth.

When he snuck into their house he could hear moaning and groaning and shouts of "Come on!" it later turned out though that they guys were just working out in their private gym. However our source did manage to get this comment from Armstrong "There has been a lot of speculation ha-ha yes there has! But as for whether it's true, come on that's just ridiculous" Armstrong was then interrupted by a naked McConnaughey who slapped him on the butt and told him it was time for their sauna. Lance was only too happy to oblige.

In VIN's opinion there is clearly nothing going on but just two good friends hanging out.

Monday, September 18, 2006

The Buzz: Saddam So Damn Angry!

Report by Mr Jones

Ousted dictator and keen campaigner for torture, Saddam Hussein has been forced to watch South Park: The Movie endlessly, according to the film's co-creator Matt Stone.

The former Iraqi leader is portrayed in the movie as a fat, homosexual who is in a relationship with the devil, and Stone claims the prisoner is being forced to watch it "repeatedly" as he is held by US Marines.

According to Hussein he is outraged by his portrayal as he doesn’t believe he is fat. This news has angered Middle Eastern leaders. Terror head honcho Osama bin Laden refused to comment but did indicate he prefers The Simpsons.

Friday, September 15, 2006

The Buzz: Rodman is an Odd Man

Report by Mr Jones

In our mad pursuit of a scoop, we members of the press sometimes make mistakes... VIN would like to make the following correction:

Last month VIN reported that popular RnB singer Ciara was, as widely suspected, a man and not a woman. It has now been confirmed that this surprisingly is not the case. It emerged that it was actually former NBA star Dennis Rodman dressed up as Ciara at the press conference and Rodman who waved his penis at the press.

An onlooker at the press conference had this to say: "I am stunned! I really thought it was Ciara! I couldn't tell it was Dennis Rodman at all!"

Indeed most witnesses were bamboozled despite the fact that Rodman is over 7 ft tall and has a goatee while Ciara is only 5'2 and does not have a goatee.

When we finally questioned Rodman as to why he pulled this bizarre stunt all he could say in his defence was "What I do in my own time is my own business and if I want to waste my money and hold a fake press release and then waste everyone's time to pretend that I am Ciara well that's my business!" Rodman who was wearing a tiara and feather boa then left in a hurry with a heavy set man and a small Chihuahua.

Ciara had this to say "See I told you I am a man! I mean umm woman! And just because I like to watch football and like to drink beer and pee standing up that doesn’t NOT necessarily make me a man!"

Truer words have never been spoken.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

The Buzz: Hanks-Hankering For Some Chocs!

Report By Mr Jones

My spies have told me Oscar Winning actor Tom Hanks has a secret fetish for chocolate. The Da Vinci Code star who was recently voted "most popular actor to live next door to and to lend you some cash" was spotted buying $50 worth of fancy chocolate at a fancy chocolate store.

Hanks would not comment but we did receive a statement from his ex-housekeepers son's brother "Yeah I seen him eat chocolate man! I was like whoa Hanks is eating chocolate! I couldn’t believe it man! Cos I was just thinking about eating some chocolate that same day and there he was, Hanks was eating the chocolate dude! It blowed my mind!"

There you have it folks, the bizarre habits of the Hollywood elite.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The Buzz: Eat Me Baby, One More Time

Report By Mr Jones

A sandwich half-eaten by pop princess turned redneck queen, Britney Spears has been put up for auction on eBay.

The seller claims to have been a waiter at a function that the star attended, along with hick wanabe rapper husband Kevin Federline. Federline's almost finished corn dog is also on the auction.

A note posted with the item by the seller reads: "In situations like this, we're expected to do the usual catering thing, pick up plates after they are done... It does not however say anything about how I am supposed to discard their food when they have me pick up their leftovers."

The items were vacuum sealed to preserve them from decaying, and the bids have already passed $50 for the two items. According to my sources Federline is very keen on finishing off the corn dog and is going to bid $5,000 on it even though a fresh one would only cost $3. "Huh huh it's Britney's money and I sure do fancy that there corn dog hyuk hyuk!" he chortled.

Friday, September 08, 2006

VIN Exclusive - Tom, Katie & Suri


Special Interview By Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

You may have been wondering "Ty, where have you been the past few months?" and also "How can one man be so sexy, gruff and rough yet still have a heart of gold?" well I can reveal the answer to both with a huge scoop.

There has been plenty of speculation ever since April this year about whether or not Suri Cruise actually exists, with many assuming that the child was a perfect clone of Tom Cruise or even a cyborg created by the Church of Scientology to take over mankind. Of course we at VIN are far too smart to believe in these over the top theories and don’t have the time to listen to such unfounded conjecture when we could in fact be making our own. The media have gone to town mocking Cruise & Holmes and posing bizarre ideas but now Tom has decided to settle this once and for all with a hard hitting interview with myself Tyler "Ty" Deschanel. But before that VIN can exclusively reveal the first shots of Suri taken by acclaimed photographer Annie Leibowitz for the new issue of Vanity Fair brought which also features my full interview in association with VIN.

I spent five days with the Cruise-Holmes extended family at Cruise's Telluride, Colorado, armed compound, sharing meals, taking hikes, hanging out and watching every Tom Cruise film ever made - twice. So it was a pleasure to sit down together with Katie and Tom to discuss Suri and the impact she has had on their lives.

VIN: Tom, Katie thank you for taking the time out to talk to me, it must be quite an exiting time for you now.

Tom: It's as nerve racking as when one of my films comes out though obviously not as nerve racking as when one of Katie's films comes out. Isn't that right dear?

Katie: Well I...

Tom: See we agree!

VIN: Right, right. Katie, the media have really been hard on you, how do you react to what's being said in the press about your family and the baby?

Katie: It's been heartbreaking. Some of the crap that's out there—the stuff that's said about my parents and my siblings it's really frustrating the amount of sh*t that's out there. And the stuff they say about Suri?! You shouldn't say that about us, and you can't say that about my child.

Tom: Or mine, especially mine.

VIN: And what of the comments about Tom's mental health and ability to be a father?

Katie: To see how someone as caring and good as Tom is — to see how things can just get so twisted and turned around. I mean, where does it come from?

Tom: Yes these stories get so out of hand. So I am a huge movie star, does that make me a bad person? So I am a Scientologist, does that make me crazy? So I challenged Brooke Shields to a duel to the death, so what? So I occasionally drink blood to replenish my sexual energies, who doesn’t right?

VIN: So to set the record straight, Tom is not mentally ill?

Katie: Well I didn’t say that.

VIN: And Katie how did you find pregnancy?

Katie: I was overjoyed in being pregnant, and then had to withstand ridicule about my pregnancy when it was the most normal, non-controversial thing imaginable.

Tom: We are normal people. Well she is, I am a Sea Org level Scientologist!

Katie: One day! (Crosses fingers)

Tom: Ha-ha you? No Chance!

VIN: So how do you feel about the strange birthing practises the press reported?

Katie: All those things were invented. I had a normal birth.

Tom: People think giving birth in total silence is difficult but it's not - it was very easy for me; the whole situation was very easy. To compensate for Katie's silence I screamed and raged for sixteen hours straight.

Katie: He's very supportive.

VIN: Tom I have to ask you this, is it true that you ate Katie's placenta?

Tom: Look Ty, here's the thing; the media are always coming out with things I am supposed to have said and things I have not supposed to have said. I have said many things and I have not said many things. I know what I said and what I didn’t say. Here is a thing I am supposed to have done, but I know the history of this and they don't.

VIN: So does that offend you?

Tom: First of all, could you ever imagine sitting down with anyone? I would never sit down with someone and question them on their beliefs.

VIN: Of course, now leading up to the frenzy over the pictures...

Tom: We were just living our lives, being a family. Actually, we were taking our own photos can you believe that! I Tom Cruise was taking pictures like a regular Joe! But yes I am really a regular guy. We always planned to release those at the right time.

Katie: But then all the craziness began, This 'Where is Suri?' controversy. Tom and I looked at each other and said, 'What's going on?' We weren't trying to hide anything.

Tom: Except our baby.

VIN: Did the controversy affect your day to day life?

Tom: I kept thinking why would they do that? That’s incredibly rude. Here I am helping people and then they do this to me. They're jerks... jerks. But I'm working, making my movie, I've got my family. I've got my erotic wrestling. I'm busy. I don't spend my days going, 'What are people saying about me?' Well of course I do but I'm Tom Cruise!

Katie: Yes, yes you are!

VIN: And how about you Katie?

Tom: She's fine!

VIN: How did that moment feel when you first saw her?

Katie: The moment the doctor handed me Suri, I was just ready. The feeling is indescribable. All I can say is the moment I looked in her eyes I felt like ... Mom. She's a glorious girl. She's the miracle of our life."

Tom: Yes this summer has been disappointing what with Mission Impossible 3 bombing mainly down to Ving Rhames - I mean how much screen time does he need? And then this whole Paramount thing and for the record I dumped them so it's nice to have something good in our lives. Though if my next film does big numbers that will be the real miracle! Ha-ha!

VIN: And Tom how do you find fatherhood?

Tom: I find it quite easy and not just because I already have kids, no I think I'm just a great dad because I love my kids you know? I mean here is a child Ty, and here is its father, me, I'm the father. You know what I'm saying?

VIN: Suri is a very pretty baby.

Tom: Yes! She has Kate's lips and eyes.

Katie: I think she looks like Kate. I think she has Tom's eyes. I think she looks like Tom.

Tom: Yes she looks like me your right though I think I'm cuter, I really do.

VIN: Well it seems to me that you both doing a great job, a great job! Thanks for talking to us Tom and Katie!

Tom: Ty, we are just happy to be able to set the record straight exclusively for VIN!

So there you have it, contrary to all other reports Suri Cruise is real and normal and not planning our apocalyptic downfall. After spending almost a week with them even I have to admit the unfeasibly cute kid tugs my macho heartstrings, VIN wishes the Cruises the best of luck!

And finally all I have to say is Shiloh Jolie Pitt who?

Thursday, September 07, 2006

The Buzz: J-Lo & Beyoncé To Collaborate – Africa, South America & Asia In Fear

Report by Mr Jones

Big bummed beauties Jennifer Lopez and Beyoncé Knowles have taken their love of fur accessories to a new level. The urban superstars are to collaborate on a new clothes range called Human Touch but using a new exclusive material. Bored of using furs and hides from practically extinct animal such as tigers and pandas for their tiny purses and coats the pair have picked a great new material - actual human skin!

Animal rights campaigners are relieved though slightly perturbed. A PETA spokeswoman had this to say “Well as long as it’s not those cute fluffy animals its ok, I guess.”

The stars retorted to claims that their new line is creepy and evil “It’s not creepy if it’s expensive!” mouthed buxom wench Beyoncé.

Nicole Ritchie and on-and-off again best friend Paris Hilton have already snapped up the first offerings.

“It’s hot” squawked hotel heiress Hilton, “Yeah” agreed Ritchie.

But don’t worry folks, apparently no American skin is used in these garments, they are mainly from third world children – phew!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

The Buzz: Jolie Good Show

Report By Mr Jones

Jon Voight (star of Anaconda and subsequent TV movies) has made an embarrassing mistake while attempting to send his good wishes to his daughter Angelina "I am weird" Jolie's children.

The veteran actor was taping a red carpet interview at the recent BAFTA tea party when he decided to use the opportunity to send birthday greetings to Jolie's son Maddox, who just turned five.

However, the star bungled his attempt at mentioning the Tomb Raider actress' adopted daughter Zahara. He declared: "Maddox just had a birthday. Happy birthday, Maddox! Five years old - it's a big one! You're going to be a young man, and I send my love out to you. And send my love to...uh...Shakira...and Shahira...Is it Shakira or Shahira?"

After a reporter informed Voight of the correct name, he remained confused, saying: "Shahara! Shahara!"

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Mr Jones Returns!

Greetings from Hollywood! Mr Jones here, as you may know I have spent the steamy summer months toiling away in the glamorous company of the stars. Mercilessly socialising with A-listers the world over without a care for my own health to ensure that VIN is always at the forefront of breaking news!

First I must extend my thanks and respect to my distinguished colleagues Clarissa Scheissberg and the ever enigmatic Mr Smith. They have provided you with the best news and views from around the world during the summer but are now both compiling special international reports. Clarissa is hitting the starry streets of London and the sexy nightspots of Miami while even we here at VIN do not know where Mr Smith is, so secret is his mission! But fear not as they will both return in October with more of the latest scoops!

And what scoops do we have? Well Tyler and I will be this September, exclusively delivering scoops and news galore exposing the lurid underbelly of Hollywood. We can not reveal all just yet but the truth will shock, scare and possibly even arouse!

Mr Jones signing off... for now!

Friday, September 01, 2006

This Autumn On VIN

Autumn is coming and the VERY IMPORTANT NEWS NETWORK will be bringing even better, more accurate and even more sensational news stories from the deep hearts of Hollywood's finest.

Sexy and rough reporter Tyler "Ty" Deschanel has come back from his top secret snooping mission and has returned with dynamite reports that even the world's best bomb disposal squad can't handle!



He has painted the town with the colors of the truth and has come back from his annual Caribbean jaunt cavorting with the rich and famous with more salacious, scandalous and sexy stories that will blow your mind into a stupor of awe!

Dashing yet deadly reporter Mr Smith has been sent on a top secret reconnaissance mission and promises that he will knock down every brick, stone and wall of Hollywood in an effort to get to the bottom of Hollywood's deepest and darkest secrets.

VIN's resident self proclaimed 'catty' Jewish reporter Clarissa Scheissberg has not only been back to Manhattan for more gossip-bearing New York parties, but she has also been given an unprecedented amount of time and money from VIN's wealthy pockets to explore Miami, and even England's party scenes!


VIN is becoming even BIGGER, even BETTER and even SEXIER than ever before!

The Very Important News Staff