Very Important News


Monday, December 25, 2006

HAPPY HOLIDAYS from Very Important News

Very Important News would like to wish all its many news hungry, wonderful and always special readers:


We hope you get everything that you want and if not then we hope that you at least had the chance to see what you wanted in a shop window/magazine/next-door neighbors house.

*To accomodate the current climate change of polictical correctness and because of our catty Jewish reporter (Clarissa Scheissberg) and the Jewish majority as Hollywood's biggest moguls (but mostly due to our catty Jewish reporter) we cannot wish anyone Merry Christmas anymore so we have to make do with happy holidays.

Friday, December 22, 2006

The Buzz: The Republicans have had enough, but Bush wants Moore

Report by Mr Jones

After the Republicans humiliating result last month in the mid term elections, Left wing, chubby filmmaker Michael Moore has rubbed salt into the wound with some inflammatory comments.

"Looks like America has voted no to Bush! Ha ha ha! Only I, Michael Moore, knew the War On Terror was wrong and now everyone has agreed with me, Michael Moore, yet again! As highlighted in my blockbusting hit movie Fahrenheit 9/11 (which is currently available on DVD) I bravely went on a mission to point out how evil George Bush is and how clever I am! The War On Terror is bad and wrong! Terrorists are people just like you and me and if they want to blow us all up who are we to stop them? George Bush is the real War Criminal! Him and Mel Gibson, whose stupid Jesus film made more money than my masterpiece!"

We were about to leave but Moore grabbed us to tell us about his new film:

"My follow up film will be about me and my neighbour who I hate! He plays music so loud at night while I'm trying to entertain my guests and celebrity suck ups! How can I recount witty comments to them if I can't even hear myself think or even hear my writers who secretly feed me witty lines through an earpiece! Anyway yes my film will be even more groundbreaking than my last film as it is all about me and my campaign to end my neighbour's real War Of Terror! Get it? It’s a play on words! Yes anyway it's called: "Michael Moore: 9/11 - My cash cow!" and it's gonna be great!"

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Rumor Mill: Jolie Mad-dox for insects?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

According to my sources 'weird humanitarian' Angelina Jolie has fed insects to her adopted son Maddox.

The 'eccentric actress' bought her five-year-old a plate of crickets. She allegedly told one of my sources in her faux British accent:

"My bee stung lips are the result of eating live bees, thus crickets are the answer for Maddox. Hopefully they will give him the athletism I had my stunt woman perform for me in my floptastic film... Tomb Raider!"

Are we really that surprised by her oddness? VIN certainly isn't...

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The Buzz: Britney’s Under-Where?

Report by Mr Jones

Britney Spears the former fresh faced popstrel turned double divorcee, chain smoking, alcoholic single mother of two. Has been spotted on the town again and, following in the footsteps of her new friends Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, without her pants! As she exited her sports car with new best pal Hilton, Spears inadvertently flashed the paparazzi. Experienced flasher and sex tape star Hilton attempted to protect Spears modesty buy flashing her own lady parts but by that time the amassed mob had already seen Britney’s Greatest Hits.

VIN managed to speak to some of the bystanders:

“Surely with her wealth she could buy some underwear? Won’t someone think about the children?” snapped one indignant onlooker.

“I saw it all! It was ok - but I was expecting better. Though I would definitely see it again” sniggered one nearby pervert

“Spring break Woo Hoo” shouted some rowdy college boys despite it being Winter and not in fact Spring.

We caught up with Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan who was also in the area sans panties to get her reaction: “If Brit wants to show of her p***y to the world then good for her! It means she’s one of us!” she slurred. “There ain’t nothing wrong with showing of your p***y!” she continued before falling flat on her face where she spent the rest of the night. Classy lady!

Warning! These images are not for the faint hearted nor the easily disappointed.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Buzz: Would Hopkins really Stew Martha?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Martha Stewart ended her brief relationship with Sir Anthony Hopkins (The world's fastest Indian) because she couldn't separate him from his infamous character Hannibal Lecter.

'Fantasist' Stewart, told one of our sources last week: "Oh, I loved him, but he was... scary. I was going to invite him up to Maine; I have this beautiful home in Maine... but then I reconsidered because I saw that movie again. Do you want someone eating your brain while you are sitting in your beautiful dining room in Maine?"

Sir Anthony 'Lecter' Hopkins allegedly replied to one of our sources in his uttermost poshest of accents: "She was quite right to be cautious! Brain is delightfully tasty, they used a real one on set, part of a gripboy in fact, and I would do it again if I could! I mean... That is absolutely preposterous. I am a Sir, and in England that means I am a King!"

Dinner with a convicted criminal or a cannibal with 'entertaining' anecdotes about life in Wales. VIN would have trouble deciding!

Monday, December 18, 2006

The Buzz: Home-schooling is what Will Smith is talking about

Report by Mr Smith

'Tom Cruise's arch-nemesis' Will Smith says he and his wife 'short but loud' Jada Pinkett Smith are homeschooling their children because he doesn't believe in teachers and feels the most valuable things he learned in life he didn't get from school. He allegedly told 'reputable housewives favorite' Reader's Digest:

"The date of the Boston Tea Party does not matter. I know how to learn anything I want to learn. I absolutely know that I could learn how to fly the space shuttle because someone else knows how to fly it, and they put it in a book. Give me the book, and I do not need somebody to stand up in front of the class. I did it in Independance Day, and I'll do it again. Now that's what I'm talking about!"

Friday, December 15, 2006

Rumor Mill: Naked for Mariah is Christmas Attire!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Loony pork chop' Mariah Carey
recently revealed to me
that she loves nothing more than stripping off and rolling around in the snow on Christmas day. She claimed it's all part of the festive traditions in Aspen in the States.

She shouted: “I like to get out of the hot tub and roll in the snow! Somebody told me that it was a tradition in Aspen, but maybe they were lying to me."

Why we wanted to know that we're not sure, but it just goes to show that she's still 'one helluva crazy gal!'

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Buzz: Murphy and Mel split up hell!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Former comedian' Eddie Murphy has called off his relationship with Spice Girl lover Mel B and is demanding a DNA test to prove he is the father of her unborn child. The actor made the astonishing claims to one of our sources just a day after the 'singer' (Mel B that is, not Eddie Murphy) claimed the couple were looking forward to spending Christmas together.

When asked if he was happy with Mel, who revealed she was pregnant last month, Murphy allegedly snapped back, "You're being presumptuous, because we're not together anymore. And I don't know whose child that is, until it comes out and is old enough to have walk in for a blood test. You shouldn't jump to conclusions, sir. Good day!"

The pair started dating in June, and in September, Murphy declared his strong feelings for the former 'singer' saying, "I am madly in love with Mel - but there are no wedding plans." Before allegedly adding "Especially if she becomes pregnant!"

And on Sunday, Mel cooed about her six month relationship with the Doctor Dolittle 'star', gushing while allegedly making bird like noises, "We're in love (coo coo) and get on really well (coo). All the children have met and get on too (coo) - it's like a great big happy family (coo coo). I can't wait to spend Christmas with him and I can't wait to have this baby! (coo)"

VIN is shocked to the core by Murphy's revelations. They were such a perfect couple as both are on career lows.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The Buzz: Cruising for a bruising?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

An angry woman furiously shouted at 'self proclaimed world savior' Tom Cruise because her young son had been frightened by paparazzi camera flashes.

The 'recently married' star was faced with a
Mission: Impossible when he tried to calm down an angry mum at a children's sports event. She told Cruise the fuss his presence attracts was unwelcome and advised him to move to Colorado, away from it all. Cruise, 44, and wife Holmes were at La Cienega Park in Beverly Hills, California, to watch his 13-year-old daughter Isabella's soccer match.

An onlooker said: "Tom was going to the little boy's room when a little boy got spooked by the cameras (allegedly not held by
Tom Cruise) and burst into tears. Suddenly a woman marched up to Tom and started laying into him. He was trying to calm her and the boy down but she was really fired up."

What Tom Cruise was doing going into a little boy's room is anyones guess.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

The Buzz: Devito, Looney 'cos of Clooney!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'All-round silver fox'
George Clooney is happy to take the blame for 'down and out pal' Danny DeVito's intoxicated appearance on talk show The View - but he found his antics hilarious.

DeVito appeared drunk on the show last Wednesday after partying with Clooney and the pair's publicist Stan Rosenfeld the night before. Clooney allegedly told our source, "Danny is an old, short man who I like to party with as it makes me look young and even sexier. I know not to drink too much, because it is really strong. Danny kept going after I was done. He clearly got more hammered than I did. What he didn't know is that I piled his drink with sleeping pills too." When told by our source that the lethal concoction could have killed him the 'sexy yet malicious' actor just shrugged and laughed.

The two actors agreed to mention each other on TV talk shows the next day and Clooney was thrilled to see his pal looking the worse for wear on The View. He says, "I came home from doing Live With Regis & Kelly and turned on The View to see Danny say something. The minute he walked out, I thought, 'Boy, this is going to be fun!'"

DeVito went on a rant against President
George W. Bush calling him "a numbnuts" and described his sexual antics with wife Rhea Perlman when they stayed at The White House. Clooney added, "I don't think anyone took great offence at it. He is one of the funny drunks in the world as opposed to the angry, mean ones like Mel Gibson. It actually, truly made me laugh until I cried when I watched him. So I'll take the heat."

A funny drunk? VIN agrees!

Monday, December 11, 2006

The Buzz: Richards and Gibson 'buddy-buddy'?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Politically correct' actor
Mel Gibson, has given his support to disgraced comic Michael Richards, revealing he came close to penning a note to the former Seinfeld star after his racist rant in a Los Angeles comedy club. The movie mogul, who hit the headlines this summer for making drunken anti-Semitic remarks to a California highway patrol cop, insists he knows what Richards is going through.

Gibson allegedly told our source "I felt like sending Michael Richards a note. But I don't know how it would affect my career siding with a racist. I mean on one hand I feel really badly for the guy. He was obviously in a state of stress. You don't need to be inebriated to be bent out of shape. Don't get me wrong it really helps if you are, I mean look at what I went through, I was let off easy. But my heart went out to the guy... I like him. He's like the brother I always wanted. Maybe we could star in a Bad Boys-esque picture, but for white people?"

Gibson remains a lone voice of support for Richards - Oscar nominee Queen Latifah has also 'weighed in' with her verdict on the controversy. She says, "It's always disappointing when you hear someone say something really stupid and really foul and wrong... You pray for people like him." Before allegedly adding "What? Weren't we talking about the harsh critics of my classic film Taxi?"

Will Richards team up with Gibson to make a film?
VIN will be reporting on it as long as it isn't as bad as Lethal Weapon 4, and Taxi. So don't expect an update on this film anytime soon!

Friday, December 08, 2006

The Buzz: Blood money for OJ

Report by Mr Smith

'Alleged murderer and family man' OJ Simpson said he participated in the ill-fated 'If I Did It' book and interview project for one reason - personal profit, acknowledging that any financial gain was "blood money".

The book, said to describe how he theoretically would have committed the murders of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman. News Corporation, owner of Fox Broadcasting and publisher HarperCollins, cancelled the project after a public outcry and objections by advertisers and booksellers.

The 'Naked Gun actor' said: "This was an opportunity for my kids to get their financial legacy," he said in interviews after the book deal was abandoned by its publisher HarperCollins.

"My kids understand. I made it clear that it's blood money, but it's no different than any of the other writers who did books on this case. They understand that if I killed their mother then I would have done it in the way that I had written in the book, and they are ok with that, because if they weren't then... well lets say they wouldn't argue with an alleged murderer of their mom" he allegedly joked.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

The Buzz: Bass wants all gays to be 'Lanced'!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Fishy named' Lance Bass has inspired a new term for gay celebrities who are outed by members of the media - they're being "lanced." The 'musically named' Bass coined the term when he was outed because rumors surrounding his sexuality were starting to affect his daily life.

It has not been reported as to yet whether Hollywood has noticed or cares about this new phrase.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

The Buzz: Kev's cash flow almost speared

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Almost divorced' Kevin Federline has really begun saving his pennies. Instead of using a private jet - or even an economy air ticket - to get to the latest stop on his album tour, he apparently arrived in Miami on Tuesday by bus. Accompanied by six friends, the rap wannabe went out on a "shopping trip" on Lincoln Road but "didn't buy anything," according to our various sources.

It's certainly a departure from our various sources alleging that he gleefully danced through up to 7,000 dollars a month on clothes during his two-year marriage to Britney.

And after failing to add to his collection of trucker caps and white vests, he apparently opted to have dinner at a "cheap" restaurant on Ocean Drive.

One on-looker said "It really looks like he has hit rock bottom... and I'm a tramp!"

Whether or not this tramp even knew who Kevin Ferderline was remains to be seen!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Rumour Mill: Fire In The Hole!

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

As Paris Hilton adds Lindsay Lohan to the growing list of her former gal pals, wealthy friend Brandon Davis has again weighed in on the "Freaky Friday" star.

My spies spotted Davis clubbing with Hilton and then launching into a tirade about Lohan's genitalia, dubbing her "Firecrotch" while fixating on her freckles and red hair down there, but then denying ever having seen her naked because he doesn't find her attractive.

He also refers to Lohan's ex-boyfriend, "That '70s Show" star Wilmer Valderrama, saying, "Who would want to f*** her? Who? Wilmer? Is Wilmer like in a mariachi band?" and then brings in Lohan's dad, who he deemed "hotter than (Lindsay)."

Davis heaps on the insults, finally commenting on her financial worth.

"I think she's worth about $7 million, which means she's really poor," says the billionaire's grandson. "It's disgusting. She lives in a motel in New York."

All the while, Paris was seen walking next to Brandon, laughing at his comments and holding a cell phone up to her ear.

Paris Hilton's publicist told us this: "The only thing I want to underscore is the person making the statements was not Paris Hilton. It is unfair to characterize Brandon's statements as being reflective of Paris' feelings about Lindsay. We're dealing with two different people. It was Brandon who was speaking. Brandon was speaking for himself not for her... (Though off the record she completely agrees with him!)"

"Paris uses her cell phone as a defensive tool. Many times when you see her photographed in a crowd situation, she puts it up to her ear so she doesn't have to speak. Reporters were asking her questions about Lindsay that she did not want to answer, so she put her cell phone up to her ear."

VIN thinks this is a fantastic idea and often uses this same technique when Emilio Estevez tries to tell us about his new films.

Hilton has a history of breaking up with her friends. She and her ex-BFF Nicole Richie still aren't talking despite co-starring in the "The Simple Life". Hilton also fell out with vomiting-after-meals-fan Mary-Kate Olsen when she stole her boyfriend, Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos. Though it may have been Ashley Olson, they look quite similar.

Davis is the grandson of oil billionaire and film mogul Marvin Davis (no we haven’t heard of him either). Davis, once dated Drew Barrymore after she split with notorious goon Tom Green and most recently went out with one time O.C. star and current fast food waitress Mischa Barton.

With friends like these who needs enemies? VIN would guess not Lindsay Lohan that's who!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Rumour Mill: Richards not Semite-y fine?

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

In a further shocking twist to the Michael Richards scandal, it has emerged that this was not the only time that the former Seinfeld funny man turned David Duke devotee has made highly racist remarks.

Two Los Angeles residents have claimed that Michael Richards lashed out at the Jewish faith last Spring at L.A. comedy club, The Improv.

Carol Oschin and J.P. Fillet say they were at The Improv on April 22 when Richards took the stage. They say that in the middle of Richards' skit, a man in the audience said something to the comedian, when Richards allegedly launched into an anti-Semitic rant. According to Oschin, Richards screamed at the audience member, "You f***ing Jew! You people are the cause of Jesus dying!"

Oschin says the rant continued and Richards stormed off the stage. Oschin and Fillet say that, at first, they thought Richards' tirade was part of his act, but claim that it quickly became apparent it was not. "We were waiting for him to say "Giddy Up!" but he didn't and then later when we saw him dressed in full Nazi costume as left the venue, we knew he was serious!"

Richards' publicist, Howard Rubenstein, confirmed to that Richards did make derogatory comments about Jews, but says it was part of his act. Rubenstein says Richards told him, "I'm not anti-Semitic. I was playing a role and poking fun at the rednecks."

Early reports indicate that Richards TV co-star and prominent sarcastic Jew, Jerry Seinfeld has now changed his stance on Richards and also stripped him of his right to royalties from the hit 90's show. Seinfeld was overheard chuckling to himself: "More money for me! He he he!"

Meanwhile his "Jerry Seinfeld & Chris Rock Humanity Against Michael Richards Comedy Tour" has now sold out all over New York but alas is not repeating it's success in the south where the tour has not sold a single ticket. Bizarrely down south the "Society For Michael Richards Tour" has already sold out.

VIN's earlier suggestion that Richards and fellow anti Semite Mel Gibson should team up now seems more apt than ever! VIN would also suggest that Richards should fire his publicist!

Friday, December 01, 2006

Rumor Mill: Lucas Wars on movies?

Report by Mr Smith

'Greedy director' George Lucas recently revealed to me that he
wants to quit filmmaking to concentrate on more lucrative TV projects. The 'fat necked' creator says making movies is too risky nowadays.

He allegedly shouted, "I don't want to make movies, I am getting into television. The feature film thing is too expensive and it's too risky. For that same $200 million I can make 50 to 60 two-hour movies or even 2 million 1 dollar movies! (sic) Think of all the money I could make if I made 2 million 1 dollar movies and charged $10 admission for each?"

However, Lucas isn't giving up his film career just yet he's currently working yet another re-release limited special edition of
Star Wars Episode 1 which includes some small un-noticable CGI footage of Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones in one of the battle scenes.