Very Important News


Friday, June 30, 2006

The Buzz: Check Mates Poster!

VIN World Exclusive!

Exclusive Report by Mr Jones

VIN recently broke the news of the new Milos Forman / Jason Statham film “Check Mates” from D & T Productions. The poster has been revealed today for the first time and you can check it out here.

Click on the image for a larger version.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

The Buzz: Lyonne 'Looking Dead'

Report by Mr Smith

'Little known actress'
Natasha Lyonne (apparently in American Pie) was spotted recently looking "like she could die any minute." This of course has been denied by her father and he is threatening legal action against any more injurious postings (possibly ones like these). He told the New York Daily News, "Natasha is safe and sound in California, working on her role in Ciara Bow". 'Ciara Bow' is a film probably about 'music star' Ciara's steamy yet ugly relationship with Little Bow Wow, the 'pint sized rapper' and how he broke up with her when he discovered her shocking secret.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Rumor Mill: Bratt and Estevez team up for a Taco?

Report by Mr Smith

Rumor has it that Latin American 'actors' Emilio Estevez and Benjamin Bratt are set to become the new faces of Taco Bell. A spokesman for Taco Bell apparently commented, "Emilio and Benjamin have been approached as they are the only Latin American former actors that our budget can easily afford." Emilio Estevez was alleged to have said "This will be a great boost for my career, the contract comes with a free lunch voucher too!"

Benjamin Bratt
however was no where to be found.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

The Buzz: Lohan Loves Leprosy!

Report by Mr Smith

'Alleged catfighter and all around back biter' Lindsey Lohan (The Parent Trap) is in negotiations to star in a film penned by 'comedy writer/director' Tom Brady (The Hot Chick) titled 'Looting Leper'.

The film is about a mild mannered woman, who contracts leprosy and uses this disease to infect and trick people out of money.
Lohan was apparently reported to have said while snapping her fingers, "If I could use leprosy I would so use it to make money, hell yea I would! Hilton would be gone man, gone!"

Will this
film be an epidemic at the box office, or will it drop quickly off the charts? Just remember... you heard it on VIN first!

Monday, June 26, 2006

Rumor Mill: Who will Pink Arm with her Over The Top secret?

Report By Clarissa Scheissberg

My sources have secretly revealed to me that 'manly looking music star' Pink is infact a big fan of arm wrestling, and regularly goes to watch and even sometimes participate at arm wrestling events organised by the WCA (World Championship Armwrestling). She was allegedly overheard to have said in a German accent I might add,"Men, Women, I'll take them all on! I'm more muscly and cooler than Sylvester Stallone in Over the Top!"

Who would have thought Pink was interested in arm wrestling?

Sunday, June 25, 2006

The Buzz: Walker Walks From Fast & Furious

Report By Mr Jones

The third Fast And The Furious film was released last weekend to indifference but former star Paul Walker is not jealous. The original starred Walker and Vin Diesel, but only Walker returned for the first sequel.

"Yeah they like said I couldn’t star in the 3rd film unless I paid them or if they like made me be the sidekick to the new main character an inanimate rod. But I wouldn’t like agree to those terms mainly cos I couldn’t read the contract."

This is the second film Walker has pulled out in recent times. The other was to be the remake of classic Clint Eastwood film "Every Which Way But Loose" where he was set to play the monkey. "Yeah I really wanted that role; I even spent the last year only conversing with chimps and eating only bananas."

The Running Scared star is reflective however: "Anyway I'm not bothered dog, I have a much bigger project lined up called Check Mates. And people who say I am a rubbish actor well they are wrong! They have to be dude! I mean I'm not that bad an actor am I?"

Ummm... VIN has no comment.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

The Buzz: Ciara IS A Man?!?

Report by Mr Jones

Months of speculation have now been proven true after it was confirmed that 1,2 Step singer Ciara is in fact a man.

"I couldn’t face it at first, I was scared of my own identity" she stated at this mornings press conference. "I tried to hide it but lets face it I fooled no one and I knew things were bad when I went to dinner with Timbaland and the waiter pulled the chair out for him and called me sir."

Ciara will however not step out of the limelight but instead has said she will release a new double album of love songs with one CD from the male point of view and one CD from the female's. "It's gonna be a hit! Now when people think about my goodies they will in fact be thinking about my big hairy d***!" And with that she pulled down her skirt and revealed the afore mentioned big hairy penis much to the disgust of the assembled press.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Rumor Mill: Blaine Crazy?

Report By Tyler 'Ty' Deschanel

Illusionist David Blaine has revealed the plans for his latest stunt - to suspend himself from famous New York landmark, the Brooklyn Bridge, by his arms 135 ft above the East River.

The 33-year-old mumbled: "Challenging myself on this bridge is a life-long dream." There is a strong likelihood that Blaine's arms will be violently ripped out of their sockets by this feat but he seems unperturbed.

"I am David Blaine I can do anything." he muttered. "With my mentalist powers I don’t even need arms"

The magician, who almost drowned and suffered serious kidney damage during his ill fated attempt to spend a week underwater, has promised a spectacular end to the stunt - early reports indicate that he might perform a James Brown medley.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

The Buzz: Cruise To Be First Man On Mars


Special Report By Mr Jones

International movie legend Tom Cruise has today announced that he will be the first man on Mars. The screen heartthrob also revealed that he will do so without breathing apparatus or without the use of a spacecraft.

"I have always wanted to be the first man on Mars, and after I proved to be the number one box office draw in the world of all time ever, I decided I need another challenge. Of course the greatest challenge is to be a good father, but this surely must be second."

Recent dad, Cruise, 44, was recently seen watching a shuttle launch with Neil Armstrong and his wife. Cruise reportedly told Armstrong that he was his idol and that he had always wanted to be an astronaut. Rumours that he also told the janitor at NASA the same thing are thus far unsubstantiated.

Cruise intends to fly to Mars without the use of conventional astronautical transport. Instead he will be using the propulsive force of a nuclear bomb (which will serve as the finale of Mission: Impossible 4) to fly to Mars. Although the feat is physically impossible, the scientific community is thoroughly behind Cruise "If anyone can, Cruise can!" said one unnamed scholar.

Friend John Woo (director of Lethal Force 9: The Revenge and Blackjack vs. Jack Black) has requested that Cruise grow his hair long for extra effect whilst speeding through space.

In related news, scientists have found out that the Big Bang and creation itself can also be attributed to Tom Cruise. "No, no I'm not really God; I'm just a regular guy who loves his kids"

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Buzz: Ford Still Young At Heart

Report By Mr Jones

With the long in development Indiana Jones 4 finally gearing up for production, star Harrison Ford has lashed out at critics who say he is too old to play the charismatic adventurer.

"I am {cough cough} not too old! I'm only 64! ...Or am I? I can't remember, my memory's not too good these days. But I'm still doing Calista Flockhart and she's young enough to be my daughter or even granddaughter haw haw! As soon as I get my hip replaced again I know I will be ready to do the stunts myself! We are planning a very scary stunt where I run down some stairs - Spielberg wanted to use CGI but I said no I can do it! I can't believe people are saying I'm too old! How dare they! In my day you respected your elders! And I'm definitely an elder! Now where did I leave my copy of TV Guide? I have to check when Matlock is on." wheezed the 64 year old action man.

The Buzz: Ang Lee Practical Joker?

Report by Mr Jones

In a recent interview Oscar Winning director Ang Lee has admitted that his last two films were the result of drunken bets! The Taiwanese director elaborated: “Well I was having a session with the boys and one of them dared me to make Hulk which I had just signed for but to make it so boring and weird that no one will like it! But I’m not one to say no to a bet! Especially one where I could win a lobster dinner! So I thought game on lads! And then it came out and flopped but then the guys then betted me to make a love story about some nancies so I said game on again! Ha-ha I was thinking who wants to see a love story between two queers? Eh? Eh? Not me ha-ha! But it’s made me a lot of cash so I don’t care! I’m planning Brokeback Mountain 2: Ring of Fire soon. I couldn’t believe it – I made these two films as a joke and yet people still went to see them ha-ha! Fools.”

Looks like Ashton Kutcher better beware, there’s a new prankster in town!

Monday, June 19, 2006

Rumor Mill: Vin Diesel does not like V.D?!?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Proud gay icon'
Vin Diesel has hit back on reports that his co-stars have called him 'V.D' in the past. These co-stars include Paul Walker (Timeline) and Michelle Rodriguez (recent jail time) who allegedly taunted him from a distance. V.D was alleged to have gruffly said, "unbeknownst to some, it is in fact a sexually transmitted disease that Vin Diesel does not like."

The question is... Which sexually transmitted diseases
does V.D like?

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Rumor Mill: Keira Dietley!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Anorexic-looking' Keira Knightley has allegedly attributed her skinny figure to eating a lot of prunes for breakfast, lunch and dinner and riding a unicycle for at least one hour a day. She was spotted carrying a big bag of prunes while walking to a store that sold unicycles and was allegedly overheard saying “the prunes help my digestion, and riding the unicycle pushes it out!”

What another amazing way to keep in shape from the hollywood starlets!

Saturday, June 17, 2006

The Buzz: Reese craving for more action!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

‘Moon faced’ Reese Witherspoon (the star of many generic chick flicks) has revealed that she wants to give up her on-screen image as a nice girl who gets her heart broken and then recovers with clichéd results, and get physical in an action role. She apparently announced that she wants to do a remake of ‘Rambo: First Blood’ cleverly re-titled as ‘Bimbo: First date’. “It’s like legally blonde, but with the occasional ass kicking manoeuvre that only ‘the Spoon’ can do” she allegedly shouted.

Sylvester Stallone would be turning in his grave (if he were dead of course!).

Friday, June 16, 2006

The Buzz: Oprah Prefers Opera!

Report By Mr Jones

Billionaire black woman Oprah Winfrey has hit out at Hip Hop and rappers recently, specifically mentioning the music of Ice Cube, 50 Cent and Ludacris for portraying African Americans in a negative light and for glamorising drugs, guns, violence and for degrading women.

The eloquent and popular chat show host remarked: “Ain’t no mofo punk ass fools gonna dis ma peeps ya heard? All theez rapper biatches betta recognise aight? They tryin’ a make out like we just all about tha ho's and tha AK’s and tha Cristal but we ain’t homie we gots lot mo’ to offer!

Ni**az like Ludacris and Ice Cube gotta realise a whole generation of kids is hearing they sh*t so they better stop frontin’. Aight? Or they gonna have to mess with tha big O and tha Book Club. Though I gotts to admit I luv ma Cristal! And ain’t nuthin’ better than toking some weed and popping a lil Hennessey with ma dogs. That’s mad crazy ha-ha just kicking back wit ma 40 ounce ha-ha that’s jokes playa, that’s jokes!”

Ludacris had only this to say “I am shocked and chagrined!”

Thursday, June 15, 2006

The Buzz: Urban wedding in the dark, is Nicole Kid-ding?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'A-list ' Nicole Kidman (Bewitched) apparently wants to wed country 'singer' Keith Urban
in the dark, to avoid being snapped by the paparazzi. She denied that this strange request has nothing to do with her beliefs in witchcraft that she allegedly picked up while filming her odd ball flop ‘Practical Magic’, nor has it to do with Keith Urban’s connections with country music. According to Peter Gibson (no apparent relation to “Australian” Mel), of Australia's civil aviation safety authority: "Miss Kidman is making a very smart move in the circumstances."

If only we could all be as smart as Australian counterparts!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Rumor Mill: Schneider’s Had Enough, The World In Shock

Report by Tyler “Ty” Deschanel

Rumour has it that that Hollywood funny man Rob Schneider is to turn his back on the wacky highbrow comedies that have made him a semi-household name. Schneider star of The Animal and the not Oscar nominated Hot Chick says he will instead return to his real love – accounting.

All I can say is what a tragic waste. Acting’s loss is accounting’s gain.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Rumor Mill: Sofa not so good for Mariah

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

‘Crazy’ singer Mariah Carey is refusing to confirm or deny reports that she was mistaken for a “mildly comfortable” sofa on a recent tour of her local Manhattan furniture store.

Rumour has it that the occasionally overly tanned star sat down to test the leather of an orange Japanese imported sofa and ‘diminutive but still very loud’ music producer Jermaine Dupri sat on her thighs not realising that he was sitting on Mariah.

Mariah was allegedly to have screamed to her numerous bodyguards (in the only singing way she knows how) to “Shake shake, shake him off”. Jermaine Dupri however, could not hear as he was allegedly too indulged in shouting his name to anyone who would listen. I don’t think they will be shopping together for a very long time!

Monday, June 12, 2006

Rumor Mill: Dorff a Movie Star?

Report By Tyler 'Ty' Deschanel

My spies tell me former teen hunk Stephen Dorff had an embarrassing tussle with Entourage star Jeremy Piven in the queue to the gents at a showbiz bash. An aggravated Piven told Dorff off for barging to the front of the queue, calling him "a has-been".

Dorff replied "I'm a movie star - you’re only on TV!” When security guards broke the pair up, Dorff shouted "See you in the line for my next movie!" He was then allegedly spotted later in a sleazy strip club telling the dancers they should want to sleep with him because "I’m a movie star".

All I can say is I won't be in line for his next movie!

Sunday, June 11, 2006

The Buzz: Kanye West "I’m the real number one"

Report By Mr Jones

Jewellery fan Kanye West has revealed that his new song with Pharrell Williams is actually about him, despite repeatedly containing the lyrics “You're my number 1 girl”

The romantic hit “Number One” penned by Williams, was thought to be about girls but according to West that’s not the case at all.

“Yeah Kanye here, my new song is about me for real! It ain’t bout no girl! It’s about me! I’m number one! I’m number one!” Remarked the “Louis Vuitton Don

VIN contacted Pharrell to see if he could verify these comments but he seemed startled that the overtly sexual song was about West. “I wrote it about a girl! But then Kanye came to our studio – I didn’t even invite him! He ate all my food and drank all my drink, then talked all over my new song and then left without even speaking to me! It’s definitely not about him – I don’t have feelings for Kanye West.”

“He’s lying!” hollered Kanye. The verdict is definitely out on this one folks!

Saturday, June 10, 2006

The Buzz: Milos Forman “Check Please!”

Report by Mr Jones

Acclaimed Czech director Milos Forman has signed on to direct the upcoming D&T Films chess themed action thriller Check Mates. The man behind such hits as Amadeus and One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is especially keen to work with already signed star Jason Statham “I have never worked with one so talented!” was all he had to say – we assume he was referring to Statham but he did not confirm this when we asked.

Friday, June 09, 2006

The Buzz: Geller all shook up over Elvis house

Report By Mr Jones

Spoon-bender Uri Geller is furious after discovering that a house, previously owned by Elvis Presley, has been sold to another buyer after he had purchased it on eBay. The vendors sold the property, which Presley lived in before he moved into Graceland, despite Geller's bid of $905,100 winning the auction.

The mystic raged, "We are absolutely mind-blown angry. Of course we're going to sue". However, the rules of the website may make a law suit difficult to pursue. Catherine England of eBay clarified "The platform we provide for real estate really serves to generate interest...It isn't a legally binding contract. Besides Uri Geller is a wack job and everyone knows it" she mumbled.

Uri Geller had been planning to turn the house into a public museum about him. "I will get psychic revenge on eBay and to Elvis! Look what I did to Michael Jackson! If I can do it to him, I can do it to them!"

Thursday, June 08, 2006

The Buzz: Alba won’t lose her top

Report By Mr Jones

In news that is sure to depress hordes of nudie aficionados, Hollywood starlet Jessica Alba has admitted stardom prevents her from sunbathing topless on the beach. The Fantastic Four babe commented that she was paranoid of paparazzi photographing her. "I would love to get my goodies out it if it was just me and my guy, but photographers seem to pop up everywhere." purred the sexy star.

The internet is officially in mourning.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

The Buzz: Secret Shame of Mills takes McCartney to the end of his Heather!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

"Gold digger" divorcee Heather Mills (ex wife of one time Wings member Paul McCartney) has now been revealed to have a now, not so
secret shame. She apparently (according to the many pictures found in a German lover's guide that featured no words) took part in many erotic photos in suggestive positions that she hid from the ex Wings member! Paul McCartney is said to be fuming at this revelation. He was allegedly reported to have said, "I'm as angry and hurt as when George (Harrison) died, but not as angry and hurt as when John (Lennon) died. At least he brought me more revenue!".

I'm sure Paul doesn't mind her hopping off now!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The Buzz: Die Hard Not Hard For Willis


Interview by Mr Jones

We caught up with action man and Moonlighting star Bruce Willis at his Southern California ranch to talk about his new upcoming actioner Die Hard 4.0. Director Len Wiseman came on board earlier in the week and has some radical plans for the film.

VIN: Bruce! Great to see you again! So how do you feel about Die Hard 4.0?

Willis: Well Mr Jones, I’m very excited about the pay check, it really will be a great opportunity for me to buy more stuff because quite frankly lately I haven’t been able to afford the usual amount of hookers and coke what with my career hitting the bricks. And really I'm tired of being a Homer Simpson look-alike - the money's not as good as it seems. Hopefully this movie will boost me back on top where I think I belong!

VIN: Great, great, so what do you think about Len Wiseman and his films?

Willis: To be honest I never heard of him, or his films, though I did see a bit of the Matrix and it looks similar. His wife is hot though.

VIN: And what do you think about the ideas Wiseman is hoping to introduce?

Willis: Yeah it’s good, it’s what the kids want nowadays what with their iPods and stuff. And man do I hate nerds especially internet nerds, I just wanna smash their stupid faces in! So in the film I will. And it’s a great opportunity to work with Sam Jackson again.

VIN: You mean Chris Rock?

Willis: Yeah, whatever they’re all the same.

VIN: Thanks for talking to us Bruce!

Willis: No problem Mr Jones! It's always a pleasure for Very Important News!

Monday, June 05, 2006

The Buzz: Wise choice for Wiseman

Report by Mr Jones

Len Wiseman, director of the unacclaimed hits Underworld and Underworld Evolution and boyfriend to British hottie Kate Beckinsale has been tapped to direct the fourth instalment in the Die Hard series aka Die Hard 4.0. “I’m hoping to really inject some new ideas into the series, I’m hoping this time that Bruce will fight vampires and werewolves in New York. It’s also gonna be about internet nerd terrorists. So to make it hip Bruce will have a special talking laptop voiced by Chris Rock which will give him helpful clues how to beat the bad guys.”

Sounds great!

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Rumor Mill: Dog vs Man Canned?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Rumor has it that the hotly anticipated film Dog Vs Man has been canned! The film was due to start shooting in September and had Freddie Prinze Junior (the Man) and David Spade (the Dog) attached, with Hype Williams (a director?) to direct. Apparently there were numerous creative differences during pre-production. Williams allegedly thought that even though Spade was convincing as a 'cool dog' and pulled off the 'streetwise' image, he didn't think he was funny enough. He also apparently laid into Prinze Junior saying that: "although he is convincing enough as a man, he is not convincing enough as an actor".

Spade reacted furiously by allegedly shouting "Funny? I'll show you funny! Just Shoot me!" (which prompted cheers from the reporters who bothered to attend the little noticed and short lived press conference) Wait... let me finish! Is funny!" Prinze Junior was too shocked and depressed to comment, well that is what we assume. It's too difficult to tell an expression from a man with only one look.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Rumor Mill: Leto letting on his sexuality?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

"Gay-looking" Jared Leto (Urban Legend) has laughed off reports that he is gay insisting his comments to a reporter last week were meant as a joke. The alleged non-homosexual actor claimed he was "gay as a goose!" apparently to anyone who would listen. He then later retracted the statement saying "how can I be as gay as a goose? Gooses aren't gay!" while holding a suspisciously homosexual looking male goose in a pink sweater. He then proceeded to drive , as one on looker called it, "a flaming pink cadillac" with Kylie Minogue's popular song "I can't get you out of my head" playing loudly from the speakers. The verdict is still out on Leto's sexuality. One things for sure, VIN will have the exclusive!

Friday, June 02, 2006

Rumor Mill: Rodriguez set free and furious

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Butch' star Michelle Rodriguez (Blue Crush) is a
free woman after serving just hours of her 60-day drunk-driving jail sentence. The actress and alleged 'part time lesbian wrestler' was released because of 'a book release program that is typical for non-violent offenders with sentences of less than 90 days'. Rumor has it however is that she held an impromtpu performance of the Mary Poppins classic, 'A spoon full of sugar' whilst wearing a male suit akin to what Charlie Chaplin had worn in his films and a matching cane and a bowler hat and moustache*. This was much to the delight of the bewildered audience that included Lil' Kim and other detainees, and successfully helped her early release. What is strange about this story is that upon her release from prison she allegedly shouted 'madly' (while wearing the bowler hat and shaking her cane of course) "I'm moving to France... People don't bother you there. I do what I got to do and then I leave the country and never come back." Apparantly an official at the Charles de Gaulle airport had this to say, "Zut Alor! Ve alzedy have Bridget Bardot! people vill think France es un nation of crazy people!" No i don't think this will change our opinion on our much revered friends.

The prison warden has not confirmed or denied that it may have been a real moustache.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Rumor Mill: Hilton catfights with Lohan; Onlookers turned on

Report by Tyler “Ty” Deschanel

Hollywood beanpoles Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton were rumoured to be recently involved in a tête-à-tête at a swanky uptown restaurant. Lohan apparently approached Hilton at her table but was curtly put down by the anorexic socialite. The Herbie Reloaded star then flew into a rage after being humiliated in front her friends and jabbed a nearby silver fork into Hilton’s forehead, Hilton however fought back and broke Lohan’s jaw with a steel chair.

The two wrestled each other to the ground and began rolling around on the floor. The assembled crowed started to cheer while the waiters squirted whipped cream on the stars. When police eventually arrived at the scene they decided not to break up the catfight but instead take bets on whose top would come off first.

All I can say is its lucky the cops turned up or it could have turned ugly!