Very Important News


Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Rumor Mill: Richie thinks boning dogs is cool?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Anorexic ugly socialite' Nicole Richie has caused a stir in the fashion world this week by wearing nothing but the bones of deceased dogs. "They are cool and boney like me" she allegedly said.

thinks the look suits her!

Monday, October 30, 2006

The Buzz: Husband of Britney Spears set to to 'act'!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Husband of 'former singer/present country bumpkin' Britney Spears is to make his movie debut starring in a Shakespearian street hip hop movie. The wannabe rapper is expanding his repertoire into acting and will appear in 'Caught On Tape' written and directed by a chocolate based dessert Sticky Fingaz.

Bokeen Woodbine (an 'actor' with a surely made up name), Cedric The ('fat but unfunny') Entertainer and Vivica A '(straight to video) Fox star alongside Britney Spear's husband.

The movie, about a boy who secretly videos his mum's boyfriend plotting a crime, will be a first as it muses rap dialogue with exploring the human condition like William Shakespeare did.

Sticky Fingaz who also plays Wesley Snipes' vampire slaying role of the now cancelled Blade TV show, said people may be surprised by Britney's husband.

He mused, "right now I'm creating the future of movies and music. I've just written produced and directed two movies coming out with Lionsgate next year and basically the movies are all in rap. Everyone always asks if I wanna do music or movies and I can't decide so I thought I'd put the two together," confused Sticky told VIN.

"Caught On Tape is a hardcore musical, lot of violence, lot of sex, lot of action, lot of drama, lot of sentiment and romance as well. It's the first time this has ever been done in a movie that may not be straight to video. Britney Spears' husband is going to be in it, it's his acting debut. He even gets to rap about his love of moonshine, while having sex, while shooting someone and crying! He maybe really ugly and poor but if you just keep the paparazzi away from him we may make some money!"

He laughed, "They almost ran me off the road trying to take pictures of Britney's husband. I'm like, 'dude, hey, I'm the talent, he's just married to somebody!"

VIN believes that they are ALL talented! Yes...

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Buzz: Mama Don’t Preach

Report by Mr Jones

Fresh from
offending the Jewish faith, formally talented singer Madonna is now gearing up to offend more people by adopting a baby boy from Malawi. The child named David Banda (which sounds suspiciously like David Banner aka The Incredible Hulk) will move to the UK, but many human rights organisations are fuming as they see it a breach of basic rights to force anyone to live with Madonna.

Her husband, hack / director Guy Ritchie was about to make a comment but Madonna beat him down with a riding crop.

"As everyone knows I am the most fashionable woman on earth. The hot new look this year is an African baby. Angelina Jolie beat me to it but I think my baby is much better. I'm thinking about buying another... Err I mean adopting another baby soon" she screeched in a faux British accent.

Unfortunately our sources have not yet confirmed whether or not the baby is indeed the Incredible Hulk.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Rumor Mill: Christina: first Stripped now Naked!

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Christina Aguilera has revealed the secrets to a successful marriage - 'naked Sundays' and 'taco nights'.

The 25-year-old sex pot, who has been married to Jordan Bratman for nearly a year, told Cosmopolitan magazine: "We have naked Sundays. You just lie in bed all day and chill with each other and do things that husbands and wives do. We love our cosiness."

Away from the bedroom, the 'Beautiful' singer underlined the importance of the couple's kitchen collaboration:

"We have our taco night," she explained. "He cooks the meat and I chop the tomatoes and the lettuce. It's important to take time for your spouse and nurture the relationship."

This news has made "Aguilera's naked taco" the number one search topic on the internet according to Google.

VIN would also advise not too chop while naked without supervision.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

VIN Exclusive: US Government Sniping for Wesley!


Special Report by Mr Smith

'Former actor' Wesley Snipes (allegedly last seen outside numerous producers houses) is wanted on eight counts of tax fraud - worth about £6million - and could face up to 16 years in jail if convicted. The on-the-run 'film star' has turned up in Namibia to film a Western horror movie.

Prosecutors in the US said last week he had not yet been arrested as his whereabouts were "unknown".

But yesterday it emerged he had been filming Gallowwalker in the southern African state for several months.

Snipes is accused with Eddie Ray Kahn and Douglas Rosile, all from Florida, of making false tax refund claims. The group, which later became known as the disturbingly cult sounding Guiding Light of God Ministries, is said to take a 20 per cent cut from tax refunds to clients.

Luckily for Snipes (and other tax evaders) he is unlikely to have to face investigators while he remains in Namibia, as the country has no extradition treaty with the USA . And despite his tax troubles, the Hollywood hardman has been living a life of luxury there, splashing out about £14,000 renting two sea-view mansions and an extra (rumoured) £15,000 on a monkey butler, and a dwarf-like cook he has dubbed "vampire boy".

He has also been spotted out and about with the locals who welcomed A-list couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt there in May for the birth of their daughter Shiloh Nouvel.

D-list Snipes signed the back of a photograph of himself in a gym at Sawkopmund with local artist Nesbert Muzuwa: "From a great artist to another great artist. Long life and bright light." Muzuwa, however allegedly walked away with the photo confused as he was exercising at the time and had no idea who Snipes was.

He is also rumoured to be buying an exhibition of local art at a store called African Emporium.

Filming of Gallowwalker has also been hit by financial woes - cash flow problems left crew members without pay for three weeks until an investor stepped in to save the day.

In 2005, South Africa refused to admit Snipes after officials claimed he had a forged passport.

VIN will update you on more progress of this fascinating exclusive celebrity based story.

Monday, October 23, 2006

The Buzz: R.Kelly denies hard hitting "Love"

Report by Mr Smith

Henry "Love" Vaughn (who apparently is not related to 'actor' Vince Vaughn in any way, despite our incessent questioning) says in his lawsuit that he has been a "mentor and guide" to Kelly since he was a teenager and has worked for him on and off for years.

The aptly named Henry "Love" Vaughn alleges that in February he went to Kelly's home in Olympia Fields, Illinois, to watch a basketball game and one of the star's other employees became "verbally abusive".

After that, Vaughn's suit claims, Kelly,39, and others dragged him to the basement, attacked him and held him against his will.

Olympia Fields police investigated the alleged attack but decided not to file charges, Commander James Keith said.

Vaughn also alleges that the song Step in the Name of Love was his brainchild and that Kelly reneged on an agreement to give him half the proceeds from the track.

A statement from a Kelly spokesman said the lawsuit was a "pathetic collection of half-truths, distortions, and outright lies, apart from where Vaughn mentored Robert, in his teens, about love that could be true".

Vaughn's (talking) suit seeks compensatory damages, punitive damages and court costs.

R Kelly on the otherhand still has
numerous underage sex allegations to fight.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Rumour Mill: De Niro is the God Papa?

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

According to my secret sources, noted Hollywood actor and occasional cross dresser Robert De Niro will not be playing Pikachu in the live action version of Pokemon, the once popular cartoon based on the once popular PlayStation videogame. The Japanese video game became a phenomenon in the late 90's with central character Pikachu becoming an idol to millions of children across the world. However the craze soon faded after it was revealed that the game and TV show heavily featured subliminal Nazi propaganda.

"You talking to me? Pokemon? Fuhgettaboudit!" commented De Niro whilst dressed up as a clown after being hired to entertain at a children's birthday party.

"Why would I, a Hollywood legend, no, a Hollywood ICON play a lowly beloved video game character? Whatsa matter wit you, you mamaluke." he mumbled while gurning at the children.

Instead the coveted role will be going to Russell Crowe, whilst De Niro will play Papa Smurf in the new live action version of the Smurfs directed by Clint Eastwood, professional hypocrite Sean Penn is in talks to play Gargamel.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Rumour Mill: Kelly scares girls!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

According to
various trusted sources (the unreliable British media) Jack Osbourne (the geeky fat one of the Osbournes) blames his sister Kelly (the geeky fat one of the Osbournes, who incidentally was banned from MTV) for his lack-lustre love-life.

"She scares them off," moaned Jack. "...that's why I haven't had sex for four months!"

thinks it might also be due to Jack's waning popularity!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Rumour Mill: Arnold Annoyed (no not THAT Arnold)

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Following up on the recent Jim Carrey outburst, fellow Hollywood "comedian" and former husband of equally untalented behemoth Roseanne Barr, Tom Arnold has now come out with similar comments. "I agree with Jim, there is always pressure to be funny and it's just not on! We can't be hilarious all the time!!!"

No Tom you can't, but can you try and be hilarious some of the time?

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Rumour Mill: Tom wants Katie to Cruise weight!

Report by Mr Smith

''Sea-Org level actor" Tom Cruise has hired a team of babysitters for
his 'fiancee ''puppet-looking' Katie Holmes so she has time to get in shape for their glitzy wedding ceremony.

According to gossip website, the Scientologist actor is reportedly "very concerned" the actress loses the weight she gained while pregnant before their big day, which is set to take place in early November.

He was allegedly overheard to have said "If Katie doesn't get fit, then Cruise will be shamed and the world will come to an end!"

To ensure Holmes looks perfect when she walks down the aisle, Cruise has joined her on the grueling training sessions that involve Cruise barking orders at Holmes while she runs tirelessly on a treadmill. Cruise has also allegedly drafted in an army (of scientologists posing as babysitters) to look after their baby daughter Suri so they can exercise without any interruptions.

Monday, October 16, 2006

The Buzz: Holy Brokeback Batman!

Report by Mr Smith

In a candid question and answer session "straight jawed and straight man" Jake Gyllenhaal (star of homosexual love fest Brokeback Mountain) has
laughed off in a manly way internet rumors claiming he will reunite with his Brokeback Mountain co-star (and therefore on-screen lover) 'floppy haired hit and miss actor' Heath Ledger in the forthcoming Batman Begins sequel. Gyllenhaal was reportedly in talks to play Harvey 'Two-Face' Dent - the role taken on by Tommy Lee Jones in 1995 'film' Batman Forever.

Ledger has already been cast to play The Joker, however, Gyllenhaal's agent allegedly was told to say, "No, the other guy from Brokeback Mountain is in it if you haven't heard, and so they have filled up their homosexual qouta of two per film. The other of course being the British and thus camp Michael Caine and his character Alfred whom seems to have been single for almost forever"

Friday, October 13, 2006

The Buzz: Screech Sex Tape: Diamond in the Buff

Report by Mr Smith

'Actor and former school geek Screech' ('actor' Dustin Diamond from Saved by the Bell) has unofficially released (no pun intended unless you are dirty minded) a 'sex tape' involving himself and girls who presumably love his Screech like voice, as he was also declared bankrupt recently.

The 50-minute video features Screech and two unidentified fame hungry women.
Screech (Diamond) claims he made the sex tape "a while ago," to show a group of friends, whom, he says, make similar videos to sexually one-up each other. The group meets monthly and scores each others' footage, awarding points for different "accomplishments" caught on tape.

"Screech is a pop culture icon who's begging for attention," spokesperson Christopher Bennett said in a statement. "You can't deny the irony of a grown child star appearing in a homemade adult film."

In a 42-second clip of the tape, available on, Screech narrates the "unbelievably graphic" action between himself and the two women, which, well, climaxes with Screech engaging one of the participants in a sex act known as a "dirty Sanchez

The tape starts out with Screech in a bathtub and a female voice informing him, "it's recording." By the end, Screech is describing the scene in bleeped-out detail.
"Gentlemen greetings! Mr Belding, greetings! As always, I have gone above and beyond the call of duty," he says on the video.

Whether or not the actor Dennis Haskins (who played the headmaster Mr.Belding in Saved By The Bell) was present during the videos remains to be seen, but VIN is sure that if he was, Screech (Dustin Diamond) would be a recipient of some discipline.

*This sex act even grossed out our resident ladies man at VIN, Tyler "Ty" Deschanel!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

The Buzz: Chris De Burgh's Healing Hands!

Report by Mr Smith

'One hit wonder and alleged singer' Chris de Burgh has claimed he can perform miracles and heal people. The 57-year-old, who is 'worst' known for his only hit The Lady in Red, told a TV host about his gift.

During an interview on a religious show Heaven and Earth he confided: "I have found myself able to cure people with my hands. I met someone in the West Indies who was not able to walk. I put my hands on him and he was able to get up."

The singer, who was born in Argentina to British parents (and therefore in no way related to us sane Americans) added: "I know the tabloids will get excited by this so I try to play it down." According to a newspaper, de Burgh has threatened to sue anyone who mentioned his 'healing (and probably somewhat busy) hands' after his daughter spoke of them in 2004.

A source close to VIN told us "He also happens to be releasing a new album, The Storyman, this month, and embarking on an 18-month world tour which may or may not include healing."

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The Buzz: Kubrick "Eyes Wide Sh*t!"

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

According to a close source, (none other than slightly famous numerous bit part actor R.Lee Ermey), 'famous but British director' Stanley Kubrick thought his last movie, (none other than the sexually charged albeit, bit weird part movie, Eyes Wide Shut) was to qoute a "
piece of s**t".

The British and therefore eccentric director was alleged to have thought that the 'stars' in his movie,
'All round nice cult worshipping actor' Tom Cruise, and 'Ginger and Austrailian' Nicole Kidman,ruined the movie through constant interference.

Ermey said "Stanley called me about two weeks before he died, as a matter of fact. We had a long conversation about Eyes Wide Shut. He told me it was a piece of s**t and that he was disgusted with it and that the critics were going to have him for lunch. He said Cruise and Kidman had their way with him - exactly the words he used. He was kind of a shy little timid guy. He wasn't real forceful. That's why he didn't appreciate working with big, high-powered actors. They would have their way with him, he would lose control, and his movie would turn to s**t."

What VIN wants to know is why Stanley Kubrick (who incidentally looks alot like Salman Rushdie) kept in contact with R.Lee Ermey in the first place?

Monday, October 09, 2006

The Buzz: So this is what happens When Prince Cries

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Weird dwarf-like' star Prince was extremely offended when he recently went to a stripclub. He offered the gyrating dancers double their wages to stop dancing. The 'scantlity clad whore-like' ladies were strutting their stuff at 'top' club Xenii when Prince reportedly told them that it was "wrong to dance like that".

He allegedly added: "What would your parents think if they could see you now? You're too good for this. You shouldn't be selling yourself so cheap. I'm Prince! I'm a sexy MF! You are nothing compared to my pert lil behind!"

The dancers refused his offer of double pay and continued to strip on stage - so the singer turned his head away from them.

One on looker who apparently looked suspiciously like 'stripclub loving' Stephen Dorff said: "No-one knows why he comes here. He doesn't drink, doesn't like the music and now doesn't even like the dancers. I'm a movie star and I like to sleep with strippers thats why I hang around in the corners of this particular club."

Even though Prince is a regular at the strip joint, it boggles the mind why he wouldn't go somewhere else to find a more "Beautiful Experience".

Friday, October 06, 2006

Mr Smith and Clarissa Scheissberg return!

Greetings to all the lovely and lucky Very Important VIN readers from around the globe.

First and foremost, a big warm thank you to Mr Jones and the ever sexy Tyler Ty, for reporting on some of the most scandalous stories to come out of America since Milli Vanilli
were exposed publicly that they did not sing on their records!

However both Clarissa and I have returned with secrets that even Tyler Ty and Mr Jones maybe shocked to hear!

We have the most incredibly salacious, most outrageous, even contagious gossip that will shatter even the most hollow heart of Hollywood!

We will have exclusive interviews with the cream of Hollywood and stories that only include the VERY IMPORTANT in the entertainment business! Even the regular famous readers of VIN will be quaking in their boots as we reveal the truths and the shames of some of their Hollywood friends and even enemies.

The news will be shocking, exciting and always revealing!

There are no rules, no laws, nothing to hold us back from exposing the truth, just hard hitting almost factual articles that make... VERY IMPORTANT NEWS!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Special Announcement!

The Very Important News Network is proud to announce that tomorrow MR SMITH RETURNS!

Watch this space!

Rumour Mill: Case of Moss-taken identity?

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Rumour has it ugly “model” Kate Moss had an embarrassing encounter recently when on a photo shoot at a farm she was mistaken for a donkey. The cocaine junkie was on a high profile shoot for a major fashion company when some local school kids interrupted and tried to feed her some carrots scraps and discarded vegetables. The owner of the farm then came out and tried to first brand Moss and then coerce her into mating with another donkey. Only later when her publicist arrived did they manage to sort out the confusion. Reportedly Moss still ate the leftovers that had been flung her way – “It was the most she had eaten in months” said her agent.

This episode occurred just weeks after Moss was mistaken for a mop and was used to wipe up a dirty men’s toilet – fortunately the Londoner was so doped up on drugs she didn’t even notice.

All I can say is, you mean that’s actually a woman?

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Rumour Mill: Vin Diesel doesnt want V.D. anymore?

Report by Tyler “Ty” Deschanel

Rumour has it Dungeons & Dragons devotee Vin “VD” Diesel is considering changing his name yet again after suffering from cruel taunts. The actor originally named Mark Vincent changed his name to the more macho Vin Diesel in the late 90’s but didn’t not realise that the initials VD also stood for a rather embarrassing affliction.

The action man who made his name with a string of hits including xXx and The Fast & The Furious and then a string of flops including Chronicles of Riddick and Find Me Guilty had this to say to me: “I had no idea! When I picked the name everyone said you brave you brave! And I thought of course I’m brave, I’m Vin Diesel!”

But then the brawny (but not homosexual) celeb realised that his new name had begun to cause him untold embarrassment. “Even Ja Rule was laughing at me! He used to say “Holla! VD’s got VD Dogg! Holla!” And his real name is Jeffery!” growled Diesel.

“I’m just a kid from New York and all through my life I’ve suffered adversity which is why I worked out so I could beat up my mortal enemies and get chicks but this has been the worst ordeal of my life! Even worse than when I lost a marathon back to back session of Dungeons & Dragons and Warhammer! And when Ron Howard told all the girls I had VD and then stole my lunch money I had enough! I’m thinking about changing back to my other original name Henry Irvin Vaughn - I don’t think I’ll have any problems to do with initials with that classy moniker!

All I can say is: Yes VD we foresee nothing but plain sailing! Kudos!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Rumour Mill: Luke Who's Talking

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Owen Wilson has laughed off rumours that he is dating Kate Hudson.

The You, Me and Dupree co-stars had been reported to be seeing each other, after meeting on the set of the film. Hudson soon split up with her husband after the shoot.

"Dude, I'm Owen Wilson I can screw any chicks I want! Kate Hudson wishes I was doing her Bam Bam! By the way I think all of my films totally suck, my handsome brother is much more talented than me!"

However it was later revealed that it was not Owen Wilson who made this announcement but his less successful brother Luke Wilson dressed up in a blonde wig and for some bizarre reason a slinky black dress.

Strangely though Owen Wilson has decided not to force his brother to withdraw his comments "No it's mainly true, plus I did break up Hudson's marriage and I'd do it again ha-ha"

All I can say is so much for brotherly love!

Monday, October 02, 2006

Rumour Mill: Jim Scarrey

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Hollywood funnyman Jim Carrey has lashed out at the media and his fans today, citing the constant pressure to always be funny.

"They always expect me to be funny! When they interview me it's not oh how are you, but go on do something funny! Tell us a joke! I'm a man dammnit! I'm not there for your amusement! I am a real person with real feelings and real emotions! You want a joke well here's a joke! I hate you all, you bloodsucking parasites! GO TO HELL!"

Ha-ha what a funny guy! Is there anything he can say that’s NOT funny?