The Buzz: Ryan wanting to Sea someone else?

Report by Mr Smith

Rumour has it 'The man with a head too big for his body' Ryan Seacrest (American Idol) has split with Teri Hatcher (sidekick to Dean Cain in The New Adventures of Superman). 'Smary-looking' Seacrest was allegedly overheard to have boasted "Hatcher was not good enough. I mean look at me, I'm as popular as Ruben Studdard and Bo Bice put together. I also bear a vague resemblance to the hot latino Ricky Martin... Guffaw Guffaw!"

'Has been' Ricky Martin, who apparantly was sitting on a table near by to Seacrest at the time, only had this to say "I, Ricky Martin, have no equal! Dis man, is loco! I will p*ss on him!" Seacrest allegedly smiled and asked the 'strange Latino' to join him for lunch in which Martin politely declined by singing the english version of his song 'She bangs', in a spanish accent while dancing away from the table Seacrest was sitting on.

Rumor Mill: Rothman not X-static about X3 success

Report by Tyler “Ty” Deschanel

20th Century Fox boss Tom Rothman is rumoured to be furious at the success of his studio’s recent film X-Men: The Last Stand. The studio honcho had hoped the hit movie would fail at the box office after he replaced original director Bryan (X-Men, X2) Singer with fanboy enemy Brett (Money Talks) Ratner but it defied expectations and smashed box office records to make over $120m this weekend. “I had hoped that this stupid nerd movie would flop and then I would be rid of all these comic book geeks emailing us all the time, “Wolverine is too tall! Kingpin isn’t meant to be black! Jessica Alba isn’t a plausible scientist! Boo hoo!” he mocked.

“The first part of my plan also backfired, we made a rubbish Fantastic Four but still the fools went to see it! So I thought ok lets make a really crap X-Men film - that will teach them! But still they come! Well you know what? We are going ahead with X4! And this time I’m reducing the budget to $15m! And we’re replacing Hugh Jackman with Drew Carey, Halle Berry with Ricky Lake and Ian McKellan with 50 Cent …. And Uwe Boll is going to direct!!! Let’s see if they come then!” he shrieked.

When asked what kind of films he’d rather be making he elaborated: “Well I’ve always loved the work of Rob Schneider”.

All I can say is roll on X-Men 4!

The Buzz: The Apologiser finally in production

Report By Mr Jones live at Cannes

The long in development project The Apologiser has finally got the green light for an August start date and release next year. The Universal / D&T Films project has been in pre-production for a number of years but is now coming to together after star Tom Conti and newly appointed director Martin (Goodfellas, Taxi Driver) Scorsese at last agreed to contract terms and work together this summer.

Official press release below:

“When the evil Lord Wilford Rapscallion (Julian Sands) embarks on a nefarious scheme to steal all the fanciest tea on Earth, the world of snooty snobs is thrown into chaos!

Only one man can stop him. But this will take an all new type of hero. A new breed of rugged and tough yet gentlemanly and effete hero! With all his sophisticated skills and the help from his sassy butler (Queen Latifah) he must prevail!

Its Mad Max meets Sense & Sensibility in this tasteful and refined action spectacular!

Universal Pictures and D&T Films present a Martin Scorsese film.

Tom Conti is...

The Apologiser!”

With such an electrifying concept and starry cast this is one to look forward too. VIN will bring you an exclusive peek at the teaser poster soon as well as exclusive news on the other upcoming D&T Films production, Checkmates!

The Buzz: Wai? Wong Kar, Wai?

Report by Mr Jones live at Cannes

Renowned filmmaker Wong Kar Wai announced at pompous snooze fest, the Cannes film festival that he is set to make his first non Chinese feature film. He’ll direct My Blueberry Nights starring Jude (any film that bombed in 2004) Law, Rachel (Chain Reaction) Weisz and Natalie (Leon, Star Wars) Portman*.

Unfortunately Wong does not actually speak English. And he has refused the use of any translators when making the film. Instead the avant-garde director will bark orders in Chinese and the cast and crew will have to decide what his rantings mean. “Hopefully the film will be a worthy addition to my acclaimed and ostentatious films. If not I can just claim that people don’t understand it. Its win, win baby!” said Wong in perfect English.

It later turned out that this statement was just a random mix of words that Wong had made up and in reality he was discussing his love of Natalie Portman’s fine ass.

*Note (Leon, Star Wars) is actually Natalie Portman’s middle name and does not refer to any films she may have made.

The Buzz: Preity pretty angry!

Report by Mr Jones live at Cannes

Bollywood beauty Preity Zinta was rudely snubbed at this years Cannes festival. According to eyewitness reports the superstar and top Indian director Karan Johar were in town promoting his supposedly highly anticipated new film Kabhie Alvida Na Kehna but once they retuned back to their exclusive hotel the pair were forced to use the side exit as the main entrance was “only for celebrities”!

We caught up with the affronted stars. Zinta had this to say “Yes I am a real star! I have been in tonnes of movies such as Koi... Mil Gaya, Kal Ho Naa Ho and Salaame Namaste!” Of course there is no way to verify this.

The annual film festival held in cowardly nation France has become an institution for big films and big stars but mainly for desperate wannabe stars trying to get funding for their woefully amateur films. Karan Johar had this to say “I definitely won’t be coming back! And not just because they won’t let me come back!”

VIN also managed to get an exclusive word with the doorman at the Martinez hotel: “I saw ze two immigrants approach me, of course I would not let zem enter ze front door! That is only for ze real stars and especially French luminaries such as Christopher Lambert! Viva La France!”

The Buzz: Williams is Hyped up for Dog Vs Man

Report by Mr Smith

"Former good music video director and atrociously bad film director" Hype Williams (Belly) has been linked to direct the hotly anticpated film Dog Vs Man. He was overheard to have said to himself reflectively, "A Dog, a Man... a duel to the death? Or an everlasting friendship? It maybe the greatest story never filmed... just like Belly!". When corrected by a nearby onlooking well spoken gentleman, who stated (in very posh english I might add) "Belly was a film, and you sir directed it!" Williams allegedly covered his face with his hands, and broke down crying running into the nearest K-Mart where he allegedly works part-time. Apparantly he was on lunchbreak. Stay tuned for more news on the production of this fascinating film.

Rumour Mill: Jennifer Lopez’s FantASStic news!

EXCLUSIVE! Report by Tyler “Ty” Deschanel

Well rumour has it Latino diva Jennifer Lopez aka “J-Lo” has decided to have surgery to reduce the size of her ass - “It’s taking attention away from me, in fact last month I lost two great roles to my ass, including a guest spot on Ocean’s 13!” Of course the demanding actress / singer notoriously made her fame primarily due to her ample derrière so many are surprised she’s turning her back on her backside!

Noted proctologist Dr Granville Hanes is said to be performing the procedure: “This will be a big challenge for me, a very big challenge, but hopefully with a bit of luck and the help of my team we will prevail. I have had to hire an extra 27 staff to assist in this operation. Often I treat women who need Assectomies but very rarely have I worked on such a high profile rear and such a high profile star.”

Full figured chanteuse Beyoncé Knowles a former patient of Dr Hanes had this to say “Before he worked on me I was only 83% Bootylicious but now I am officially 96% Bootylicious so I’m sure he will do wonders for Jennifer. Husband Marc Anthony was overheard to have said: “It’s just too much, we need a separate room for it and our king size bed is now too small as well – it’s also damaging my career too – I have never been overshadowed by an ass before – now I know how Jackie Chan felt in Rush Hour”

Former partners Ben Affleck and Sean “Diddy” Combs are allegedly devastated.
All I can say is: about time honey!

The Buzz: David Spade is not a "Man"?

Report by Mr Smith

"Comedian and often hobo lookalike" David Spade ("star" of unfunny tv series 'Just Shoot Me') has been auditioning for the role of the dog, in the upcoming hotly anticipated movie Dog Vs Man. Very Important News already broke the story a few days ago disclosing Freddie Prinze Junior involvement in the movie and we are very excited to see what will happen when Spade joins the cast. Spade was allegedly overheard to have shouted (to anyone who would listen) "I will be the dog... in non-cgi form of course... If this movie doesn't make millions, just shoot me!" A wild daring statement? Or a blessing for movie lovers everywhere? Only time will tell... Here's hoping Dog Vs Man is a success!

The Buzz: McCartney has joined Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (meaning he has split up with his wife)

Report by Mr Smith

Paul McCartney has blamed the media for his marriage splitting up. However, he was allegedly to have been overheard to have murmured "if it wasn't for that pesky leg and if only I didn't look like an old woman...we would still be together! My time in Wings was much more fun AND successful!"

The Buzz: Martin cold for auction!

Report by Mr Smith

Chris Martin (husband of "former actress" Gwyneth Paltrow) has put himself up for auction, to raise funds for his former primary school. "Mean old sour face" Martin will apparently play only one song at the show, and will require a piano to perform. He has also stipulated that no more than 10 people can watch the mini-gig. When asked why these strict regulations had to be enforced, he allegedly replied "it is because the piano is my worst instrument and I hate children." He was also allegedly overheard shouting "It's going to be 'Three blind mice' or I'm going to walk! Stupid school!" but these reports have yet to be verified.

Game ON! With Sakura & The Dude: E3 2006 Report!

Report by Sakura Yamamoto & The Dude

Hi guys!! Last week’s totally awesome E3 show in LA had all the big games companies showing off their new products. The Dude & I were there to bring you all the big news!!

Playstation 3 announced!! World indifferent!!
Sony revealed the Playstation 3 (PS3) will retail at a whopping $600 this winter. The unimpressed crowd of gaming aficionados were vocal about their apathy to the system. However Sony boss Ken Kuturagi remained bullish and had this to say: “I don’t care if it’s too expensive you will all buy one even if your kids starve! And no I’m not even joking.” Ha-ha that Ken!!

The dude says: I won’t be buying one, unless I get it cheap.

Wii will rock you!!
Kiddie game manufacturer Nintendo also revealed their new console last week to much amusement amongst the nerdy press. The unfortunately named system is called Wii (as in wee a popular slang word for urine) and will utilise a remote control style controller which is motion sensitive. Sony’s PS3 ”coincidently” also decided to use similar technology which caused Nintendo officials to claim that Sony copied them – Sony hit back by claiming Nintendo copied their TV remote controls and that Nintendo suck anyway. Nintendo had no come back to that.

Nintendo boss Reggie Fils-Aime commented “Our system is a REVOLUTION, it is a REVOLUTION in terms of gaming, a REVOLUTION in terms of control and a REVOLUTION in terms of immersion so yes that’s why this REVOLUTION is named Wii. We are not scared by Sony or Microsoft - well not much anyway. Our console has much worse graphics so we don’t even need to compete with them. We will also bring some hardcore adult titles such as Mario and Kirby that will appease to gamers who like brutal games. Yes our system is also much cheaper so please buy one! Please!!!!”

That desperate plea seemed to work as most of the buzz at the show was about the smart looking system, whether this translates to actual sales when it launches this winter is probably unlikely.

The dude says: Wii is a stupid name.

Xbox 360 Malaise!!
Umm Microsoft had nothing to show as they aren’t very inventive, however head honcho J Allard revealed that the popular anti social simulator Grand Theft Auto will be released on the underwhelming Xbox 360 system and will be updated online allowing players to be violent with more flexibility. Other than this and the announcement of a HD-DVD Drive and Halo 3, Microsoft had nothing else of note at the show: “We may not be the most creative or interesting games company but we are ok!” Yes, yes you are!!

The dude says: Grand Theft Auto is cool

Rumor Mill: Matt LeBlanc “Furious”

Report by Tyler “Ty” Deschanel

As expected NBC officially announced this week that unfunny sitcom Joey has been cancelled. The ill-conceived spin off from marginally funnier original “Friends” had been suffering from poor ratings and was cut short mid season to make way for My Name Is Earl and The Office. Rumour has it Joey star Matt LeBlanc is reportedly furious: “I’m furious!”

The dim witted Italian also added “They never gave us a chance! I mean even Just Shoot Me and Dharma & Greg made it to series 3! Just Shoot Me for gosh sakes! I blame the writers! And also my co stars! The directors were rubbish too! I knew the spin off should have been about me and Gunther as undercover private eyes in a circus, that’s TV gold! Mama Mia!”

Newly jobless Joey star Miguel A Nunez is hoping to star in his own sitcom later in the year featuring him as a guy with some friends who go on dates and do stuff and then talk about it. He remarked: “It’s a very original concept”.

All I can say is (and not for the first time) thank goodness for Miguel A Nunez!

The Buzz: Kevin Federline better than Snoop Dogg?

Report by Mr Jones

Kevin Federline, the professional hick layabout and husband to former teen-queen Britney Spears has finally launched his musical career. Eschewing the bubblegum pop that made Spears a worldwide smash, Federline is going for a hard rap sound. Although the work shy idler expects to release his first single soon, Britney has refused to collaborate on the album for fear of getting pregnant again. “I’m a-gonna be the best rap star in the world even better than that there Snoopy Dogg, well that’s what cousin Jim-Bob and cousin Bob-Jim done told me uh huh”

Snoop Dogg immediately issued the following statement: ”Fo shizzle ma nizzle dat Kevizzle Fedizzle is yakking shizzle for rizzle” Roughly translated as “Quite frankly, I don’t agree”*

Surely this will be one rap feud that will have music fans enthralled!

* Translation by Babel Fish

Rumor Mill: The secret experiment of Paris Hilton?

Report by Mr Smith

"Mentally challenged" Paris Hilton has vehemently denied that she is infact a scientific experiment conducted by the United States government to settle once and for all that there maybe a possibility that rich, over-exposed, infamous blondes are not as intelligent as their human counterparts.

She allegedly was overheard to have said "Whatever! Experimentalists are hot anyways! My video proves it!"

We have sources to confirm that she was not under the influence of alcohol at the time, however the goverment strongly believe that all her actions have been influenced by the colour of her hair.

The Buzz: Enrique's "Monster" comeback

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Son of the popular sexy old crooner Julio and boyfriend of one time tennis player Anna Kournikova, Enrique Iglesias is set to record a comeback album. When asked if he could top his most popular song, the overplayed "Hero", he stood still and looked solemnly up to the sky with his hand pressed deeply on his heart and allegedly replied "If this spanish remake of the "Monster Mash" does not make it into the Top 100, my heart will surely die. Almost like I did in the music video 'Hero'. I set the world alight with my hat and wailing..." Dramatic and handsome. Is there really a bigger pop star than Julio Igesias's son?

The Buzz: Freddie Prinze dogged by film

Report by Mr Smith

One time Hollywood "starlet/dropout" Freddie Prinze Junior (Wing Commander) is apparantly mulling over the idea of fighting a dog for his next straight to video film. Dog vs Man is a film about one man's struggle to out smart his neighbour's dog that he actually challenges it to a duel. The expressionless "actor" was overheard talking to a friend, "it's either me or the dog, and the dog isn't going to win". Stay tuned to Very Important News for more details are about this fascinating film.

Rumor Mill: Statham gets his goodies

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Apparantly, always greased up, confused-accented man, Jason Statham (Revolver) has recently revealed that he likes to dance to Ciara's "hit" song, "Goodies" topless while facing a huge wall mirror. "It provides me with the confidence and the work out I need" he gruffly mumbled. Very masculine!

The Buzz: Cruising for approval

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Resident "mad, crazy, weird" entertainer Tom Cruise told anyone who would listen that "After I began dating Kate, Bella looked at me and said, 'Don't let this one go. She's the one.'" Bella being his adopted daughter of course. Cruise allegedly began to shout "No! I'm the one!" while turning his back on his daughter making her cry. He apparantly then refused to look at her till she apologised on bended knee. Weird? No. A Hollywood Diva-like attitude? Maybe.

The Buzz: A Britney baby 'one more time'!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Former singer Britney Spears has confirmed yesterday that she is in fact pregnant and not just fat from eating fried chicken with her layabout hick of a husband Kevin Federline. Congratulations Britney and Kevin for bringing another child into this world! May you always be the responsible parents that you seem to be!

Rumor Mill: Cained off about Superman

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

"Actor" Dean Cain (who played second fiddle to Teri Hatcher in Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman), is apparantly annoyed about this summer's film Superman Returns. He was apparantly overheard saying, "It should have been me! I'm the real Superman! I'm the real Superman! Do you hear me? Kal El is ME! and I am Kal El! Son of Marlon Brando!" while being dragged drunk kicking from a downtown sleazy stripclub in Tijuana. Superman? More like Supernut!

The Buzz: Sandler in good movie shocker?

Report by Mr Smith

Hollywood "comedian" Adam Sandler is starring in a new movie called "Click" and the buzz is that it is better than his previous movies, which for Sandler is an achievement. Sandler was reported to have laughed and sighed at the same time, "Good movie? No not really... Better than my others? Possibly!" before depressively slumping onto his couch.

Rumor Mill: Aniston needs some Lov-Ing

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Rumor has it unlucky-in-love loser Jennifer Aniston was spotted exiting a Burger King (eww!) accompanied by none other than humorist Jon Lovitz! After being ceremoniously dumped by superior looking, former beau Brad Pitt, Aniston hooked up with ugly-yet-popular-actor Vince Vaughn in a tragically desperate attempt at reclaiming her fame, however the unappealing “comic” actor soon ditched her after Angelina Jolie tempted him away, following in the footsteps of her earlier seduction of Brad Pitt.

My spies have told me that Jenifer Aniston has become increasingly desperate now that she has lost two men to Jolie and has been asking out anyone. Reportedly after Gary Coleman, Clint Howard and even Weird Al Yankovich all tuned her down (Ouch!), her sights shifted to Lovitz who agreed to go out with her as long as no one saw them together. But now that VIN has exclusively broken this story Lovitz’s hot shot career is sure to suffer a slump whilst Aniston’s profile can only be boosted by her association with Lovitz. All we can say is Jon think about your dignity!

The Buzz: 50 Cent - Not gay

Report by Mr Jones

Its official, muscle-bound rapper 50 Cent has confirmed he is not gay ending speculation that he probably wasn’t. The bullet ridden beefcake was confronted last week by an unwelcome “fan” who loudly shouted “50 Cent is gay” when he did not receive an autograph from the burly superstar. When a VIN reporter at the scene asked “Fiddy” if he was gay, he had this to say: “No”.

Probed further he also had this to add: “That’s whack.”

Rumor Mill: Lee Tama-whore-i?

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Things keep getting more and more bizarre for director Lee Tamahori. The illustrious director of Die Another Day and xXx 2 was recently arrested for prostitution in LA. You’re thinking hmm it’s not that unusual in Hollywood - well read again – he wasn’t looking for a prostitute… he was the prostitute! And he was dressed as a woman!! He approached an undercover cop, dressed as a woman and offered to perform lewd acts on him for money for which he was promptly arrested!!

Well rumour has it that after the dismal failure of xXx 2 starring plump action man Ice Cube, Tamahori, 55, has decided to become a full time pro seeing as his movie career is practically over. My sources overheard him telling a friend: “Now I can do the real XXX! Also the pay is much better!” All I can say is: Only in Hollywood readers!!

The Buzz: Paul Walker’s Monkey Business

Report by Mr Smith

"Serious" actor, Paul Walker (star of kid's film Timeline) has been infuriated that he is not actually considered a serious actor. My spies tell me that he recently stormed out on the set of the remake of “Every Which Way But Loose”. He was heard complaining that he didn’t mind playing the monkey, but that he furious when they didn’t let him wear a black tie and pin striped suit.

The Buzz: Peter Jackson "I was robbed"

Report by Mr Jones

Peter Jackson has finally revealed his heartbreak over King Kong not winning the Oscar. ”I mean I can understand the Academy not wanting to give the award to a movie about two men sleeping together ‘cos that’s just nasty, but a huge ape and a blonde, white woman in love? Well that’s just about the most natural thing I’ve ever heard of. I truly am devastated. Unfortunately this has put my epic romantic musical between a hound and his faithful master on ice for the time being and so I’m going to have to go forward with other projects.”

According to Hollywood insiders Jackson is planning to remake the entire six part Star Wars saga with Andy Serkis playing every single character. “No I’m not doing this because I think I’m better than Lucas” commented the once portly auteur. “No, it’s mainly down to spite”.

The Buzz: Dr Dre Actually Not A Doctor

Report by Mr Jones

Hip hop producer and acquaintance of Puff “P Diddy” Daddy, Dr Dre has been found guilty of impersonating a doctor. The former NWA member and strip club enthusiast was spotted handing out flyers in the downtown LA area offering discount medical treatments when police swooped. Acting on a tip off it emerged that the rap impresario is not actually a doctor but is in fact only an orthodontist.

Rumor Mill: R Kelly loves his nuts

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Rumor has it that "accused" singing "sensation" R.Kelly has apparently been consuming a lot of burgers recently for a role in the third film to the "popular" children's "classic" Nutty Professor, Nutty Professor 3: Nutty got seedy.

Good luck R.Kelly... and for the film too!

Movie Review by Armitage Smith: Excessive Force

Excessive Force (2006)
Review by Armitage Smith

A pedrigree of high quality stars combine together to form the latest action flick to come out of D&T productions. These superstars include, STEVEN SEGAL (Undersiege 2), JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME (cameo in Friends Season 2), David Hasselhoff (German singing Sensation), CHUCK NORRIS (Exercise infomercials), BILLY BLANKS (Excessive Force) and Tom Conti .

Excessive Force is a story about sweet guilt free UN officials being taken hostage by an evil megolomaniac (played coldly by Mario Van Peebles of Highlander 3 fame). The team is spearheaded by an ever enigmatic Hasselhoff who uses all of his acting might to lead the brigade of social misfits (that are of course highly skilled in weaponary), into the UN headquarters.

I think Hasselhoff sums the movie up with a hilarious line he sings while dancing with the other team members to Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney's "Say Say Say" in the stripclub they all visit to gather information. "This is... Fun, Fun Fun!"

Choice scene: Billy Blank's character (John Black) meets Tom Conti (Alfred Quietfellow) in a dark alley.

John Black: What you looking at fool?

Alfred Quietfellow: Well..er...well...

John Black: You goin all racial on me? You think I can't speak english? Thats not on fool!

Alfred Quietfellow: um..er..um..

John Black: You say er one more time and I'll kick your white ass back to England.

Alfred Quietfellow: um.. er... (Now more self assured and manly) Let's fight!

Cue one of the best hand to hand combat fights you will ever see on direct to video movies.

Who would have thought Tom Conti could wield Katana's while running up a brick wall let alone conceal them in his smarlty perssed grey suit! The movie is explosive to say the least!

Jean Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris and Steven Segal should also get a mention as well, as they do not play just bit parts. The morris dance that they do together to infiltrate an Irish base, that contains vital information, is not only great to watch, but also very accurately done. They really show that they can move.

It isn't only action, song and dance too though, there is some sadness towards the end when Carmen Electra's character a sexy FBI agent/Nuclear physicist, ends up, much to Hasselhoff's dismay, breaking his heart.

Excessive Force, IS the direct to video film to watch this summer. The only dissapointment is that it all ends too soon and due to the mystery question posed by Steven Segal at the end, you are left hoping whether there really will be a sequel.

5/5

The Buzz: Excessive Force (Press Release)

The infamous producing duo D&T Productions presents their latest action epic.

After their last production company's office mysteriously burned to the ground resulting in a huge insurance payout to the producers (who coincidentally were spotted dancing and carrying lighter fluid moments after the fire) the world famous producers (behind such DTV classics as Hoops series, the TV spin off Hoops: The Community College Years and also the religious themed erotic thrillers The Priest, The Priest vs. Dracula and The Priest 2: The Sequel) had to shut up shop. But now after 4 whole months out of action they are back after being acquitted of previous unrelated incidents and with a new bigger better studio, ACTION MOVIES INC!

And with that they present their greatest action smash yet...

In the grand tradition of

Hoops
The Priest
The Chosen One
Hot Cop
The Cliché Man
Check Mates
The Apologiser

Comes a new breed of action movie!...

When the UN headquarters in New York are taken hostage by an enigmatic maniac bent on world domination only one group of heroes can rescue the world's greatest leaders from the grip of the evil terrorists! One line up that demands justice!

The line up? Only STEVEN SEGAL, JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME, DAVID HASSELHOFF, CHUCK NORRIS, BILLY BLANKS and TOM CONTI!

STEVEN SEGAL plays Alex R Storm once a decorated CIA agent and now a simple blue collar plumber, but when trouble clogs the pipes of truth he'll unplug them... with deadly results!

JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME plays Father Gunther Van Blast a spiritual man who hates violence but hates crime even more! on a religious trip to New York he is caught up in this high stakes game of political intrigue where the only thing higher than his principles are his kicks!

BILLY BLANKS is Black! John Black! He's not only a gung ho patriot car salesman; he's also a former Olympic kung fu expert with something to prove!

CHUCK NORRIS plays Chuck Boris a retired man who spends his days playing chess and eating cereal, but when he hears of this nefarious plot he comes out of retirement and reveals a huge shocking secret... he is a former US president! and he's about to get constitutional... to the extreme!

TOM CONTI plays Alfred Quietfellow, a timid man with an explosive hobby - he's a demolitions expert! with his knowledge of big bangs and quick wit he'll add class and deadly force to the team!

finally the team is headed up by DAVID HASSELHOFF he plays Daniel J Handsome the charismatic ladies man who breaks hearts... and necks! He must lead this motley crew against the evil terrorist and restore peace the only way they know... with maximum pain!

Co starring MARIO VAN PEEBLES as the deadly terrorist B. Artimus Drill (aka B.A.D!), CARMEN ELECTRA as the sexy FBI agent/ nuclear physicist who has her own steamy grudge against the terrorists and MIGUEL A NUNEZ as the nosy Librarian who can't help getting involved... with hilarious consequences!

This is one action fest you can't miss!

This summer one band of heroes must save the world...

EXCESSIVE FORCE!

"The bigger they are... they harder they die!"

Very Important News is confident this will be a big hit - expect an exclusive review soon.

The Buzz: Check Mates (Press Release)

After the success of Guy Ritchie's Revolver, rival production studio D&T Productions have announced a Chess themed big project for 2006. Following in the footsteps of their past hits with David Hasselhoff's PRIEST and THE CHOSEN ONE series, the Hollywood heavyweights (who reportedly have now been acquitted of all charges) are back with another sure fire hit.

"In the high stakes world of international chess, two down and outs from the wrong side of town are going to take on the biggest players and beat them at their own game.

Starring Jason (The One, Twix adverts) Statham as Bis-Hop and Andre 3000 as ChessDogg, our two heroes who must take on the best of the best including the Chess Master Brad Kasparov played by Paul (Into The Blue) Walker!

Next Summer Jason Statham, Andre 3000 and Paul Walker are...

CHECK MATES!

Check or be checked!!!"

The Buzz

The Buzz: TomKitten has arrived!

Report by Mr Jones

Cruise has had his baby! (*)

Hollywood Megastar and all around good guy Tom (The Top Gun) Cruise has had his long awaited, much anticipated baby! The child (produced in conjunction with Katie (Dawson’s Creek and other straight to TV movies) Holmes and the church of Scientology) is named Suri which means “Tom Cruise is all knowing and all powerful” in ancient scientologese

Here’s what gleaming new father and box office sensation Tom Cruise, had to say:

“Here is a baby, what has she done with her career? Now I know the history of birth, so don’t be glib, hey I’m just a guy who loves his kids and this new one too, it’s is my most ambitious project yet... until my forthcoming new project with Spielberg” Cruise refused to determine whether this meant he’s actually having a baby with Steven (Hook) Spielberg

Katie Holmes also had this to add: “…………………..”

“Don’t worry she’s plenty excited” Interjected a boisterous Cruise after a dazed Holmes drooled her way through the press conference. Reporters at the scene mentioned that she was wearing a gag over her mouth and what looked like a lobotomy scar on her head.

Fellow scientologists also attended the birth “This is a great baby, im gonna make love to itttttt” sang renowned out-of-work vocalist Isaac Hayes, Cruise laughed at this but then promptly threw him out “Ha-ha that Hayes he’s such a funny guy! I cured him of Heroin and Christianity!” blurted a sweaty Cruise

A jubilant John (Battlefield Earth) Travolta also gushed “Oh my God, I used to be famous”, meanwhile Hollywood has-been Emilio (that movie with umm Charlie Sheen?) Estevez managed to elude security and had this to say “That should have been me! Ha-ha but im not mad! No my career is going great!” he then collapsed to the floor weeping whilst onlookers giggled.

Of course not everyone is happy by this birth (and not just Holmes family who have been barred from all contact and whom we are not allowed to mention due to ongoing legal action between themselves and Cruise)

Nicole Kidman fresh from filming her latest crazy, wacky terribly miscast rom com only had this to add: “I HATE THEM BOTH” What a nice girl!

Former friend and one time director John Woo was spotted at a nearby bus shelter busking had this to say “Beware Tom Cruise! His hair is so nice; I am a big director you know, very big! Who stole my bus fare? Oh that’s right I lost it at the soup kitchen. I’m hungry… Very big director!”

Billionaire director and noted anti-scientologist Steven Spielberg was not present but is said to have personally given Cruise and Holmes a very expensive gift of 6 slaves each representing one of the continents of the world “What people don’t realise is that I’m actually even more rich than they think” remarked the bearded mogul.

Celluloid legend Tom Cruise is said to have given a gift himself to his new child, a 40ft gold statue of himself. “I’m very proud of this statue, it represents all that is good in the world” Unfortunately the action star had to excuse himself after becoming violently ill – most likely due to consuming a raw placenta minutes before, but he did leave us with one final comment “ha-ha don’t ... worry about me! I have a family… I have a wife… I have this baby... and my erghhh … faith!! bleughh… no I don’t need any medicine I’m… fine!!! I know the history of medicine and it’s all a lie! Bleugh…. Why would someone need medicine? I can cure myself! I am … arrrghhhh... Tom!!!! Fear me! FEAR ME!!! (Someone call me a doctor!)”

What a guy! Congratulations to Tom and family!


(*) Please note the above events may not have actually happened.

Welcome to Very Important News

Very Important News was set up 6 years ago to comprehensively cover only the most important, up to the minute, breaking news. When the founders of the VIN network found themselves becoming increasingly disillusioned with the mainstream news media and their biased and manipulative coverage, they decided the world needed a new, more honest and truthful news service that covered only genuine news and not the meaningless content that the other networks were providing.

Over the past six years, the VIN network has grown in size and scope, with our reporters bringing our dedicated readers exclusive breaking news from every continent on the planet. Our journalists endeavour to meet the high standards that the VIN network was built on: Truth, Integrity and Justice. One day all news services will be like the VIN network, but until that blessed day the VIN network will continue to break the mould and bring to you, our revered friends VERY IMPORTANT NEWS!

The Very Important News Staff

The Reporters of Very Important News

Tyler "Ty" Deschanel: Rough, sexy and straight to the point, is how Tyler describes himself. We at Very Important News do not mind his arrogance as long as he keeps bringing us his straight to the point, sexy and roughly accurate stories.

Mr Jones: One of VIN's founding members, Mr Jones is always on the forefront of Very Important News wherever it may occur around the world. With his dapper man about town charm this charming man about town always breaks the hottest stories this side of the globe (i.e. the Very Important part). We value his contributions and accusations greatly

Clarissa Scheissberg: She describes herself as Jewish, catty and very very good at her job. Clarissa gets to the bottom of exclusive rumours and exposes and reveals with wild entertaining abandon.

Armitage Smith: Our British movie and music reviewer. He graduated from Cambridge University in England, and thus we assume is somewhat clever, and casts his critical eye over all entertainment media from around the globe.

Mr Smith: No relation to our lovely reporter Armitage Smith, this reporter is from the USA, along with Mr Jones are at the forefront of entertainment gossip and news.