Very Important News


Monday, July 31, 2006

The Buzz: Nick La-cheys out at student!

Report by Mr Smith

'Ex-singer' and 'parasite' Nick Lachey (Jessica Simpson's ex-husband) has hit back at a student who accused the singer of apparently roughing him up when he tried to take a picture of him on his mobile phone.

His representatives apparently added that "Nick did not touch him at all. He just sang to him. However, he did not realise his singing was offensive enough to hurt the student."

The student allegedly replied "It was Nick Lachey?!? Urgh! I thought it was JC Chasez! "

Friday, July 28, 2006

Rumor Mill: Daddy tries to Puff up Diddy sales!

Report by Mr Smith

P.Diddy (Puff Daddy) was allegedly seen in a local music store frantically putting his old albums and singles into the new album and single charts. Oddly enough he placed most of them at the lower end of the top 100 and none at number 1.

A source (known as 'Cuzin number 22') exclusively revealed
Sean Combs' (P.Diddy's less fancier but more sensible name) ingenious plan: "he did not want to arouse suspicion by placing them at the high end of the chart."

When the 'ridiculously bad dancer' was caught by the 96 year old female shop assistant called Marion, he allegedly ran out of the store scared and embarrassed, dropping his CD's everywhere.

A reliable source caught up with
P.Diddy to question him about this incident, he allegedly only had one thing to say,"Diddy did, what Diddy needed to do! Now who's the Daddy of the charts?!? PUFFY FOREVER!"

VIN asks, is there anything that this clever entrepreneur cannot do?

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The Buzz: Drunken Laster

Report by Mr Smith

International superstar and 'former great film maker' Jackie Chan (Rush Hour) appeared uninvited on stage at a concert in Hong Kong. The wannabe singer was fuelled with alcohol and started to sing for more than 20 minutes while unsuccessfully conducting the band while the crowd jeered and heckled him. He then started to use expletives on the crowd such as "stupid crowd" and allegedly "Chris Tucker!"

Security finally moved him and he apologised later adding that he "had never done it before."

Whether this means that he was right to abuse people's ears with his singing remains to be seen

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

This Summer On VIN

Whilst the summer winds down, the VERY IMPORTANT NEWS NETWORK does not! VIN will persevere to bring you the very best in real news even as our less esteemed rivals break for the season.

Internationally respected journalist Mr Smith as always brings you, our devoted readers, the quality breaking news that defines VIN, while celebrated Jewish gossip guru Clarissa Scheissberg has not let the humid weather dampen her Herculean efforts to bring you the latest tattle straight from the penthouse parties of Manhattan.

Our gruff, straight to the point tough guy, with a heart of gold Tyler "Ty" Deschanel is on a secret snooping mission and is no doubt set to return soon with more dynamite reports that will inevitably rock the very pillars of our nation and before you ask, resident man about town and VIN co founder, Mr Jones is painting the town with the colours of the truth as he embarks on his annual Caribbean jaunt cavorting with the rich and famous in order to get the real scoops!

This fall VIN will continue to deliver the best news content on Earth but we will also be expanding our staff so that you, our loyal supporters, will never be without the latest breaking stories... Whenever they happen, Wherever they happen.

This is the VIN commitment to quality - remember on other news sites it's rumor, on VIN its (unsubstantiated) FACT!

The Very Important News Staff

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Rumor Mill: Wesley Sniped for TV's Blade

Report by Mr Smith

'Former actor' Wesley Snipes (The Fan) apparently begged to star in the new Blade TV series. A scared source close to the producers revealed, "It first started with the odd phone call here and there asking to reprise his role as Blade, but for the TV series. The producers declined as they thought he was too much of an alleged drugged up has-been. He then called the producers and said that he could do numerous parts, not necessarily Blade. He then started doing funny accents, and acting out as characters such as a 'Silly Sailor' and 'Widow Twankey' (made infamous by Ian McKellan) that are not even in Blade! When this failed to impress the producers, he then resorted to camping outside their houses, shouting out incoherent moments, breaking into random dance routines, all while wearing sailor's outfits, and skirts! It was really a sight to behold!"

Monday, July 24, 2006

Murphy hungry for some spice?

Report by Mr Smith

‘Former funny man and alleged transvestite loverEddie Murphy (The Haunted Mansion) may be dating ‘former Spice Girl star’ Melanie Brown (singer?) according to media reports in the U.S. Murphy was allegedly reported to have said “Mel looks rough… and ready! Like that girl I gave a lift home to, one time in my past”

is wondering if anyone cares whether this is a publicity stunt, or publicity death?

Friday, July 21, 2006

O(prah) I'm Not Gay!

Report by Mr Smith

Rapper hatingOprah Winfrey has hit back at ongoing reports that she is gay. She not only insisted she would have told fans if the rumors were true. She allegedly shouted behind the scenes on a recent show, “If I liked m*ff , I’d tell y’all fools. Hell I don’t like m*ff! What normal woman would?” While back on air she then calmly added, "The truth is, if I was gay, I would tell you, because there's nothing wrong with being gay."

VIN will have more news on this tirade when it happens.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Rumor Mill: How Lo was Jennifer's curse?

Report by Mr Smith

‘Wide hipped actress and karaoke singer’ Jennifer Lopez (the star of many ‘generic romantic comedies’ has been accused of using voodoo spells against her ex-husband. Ojani Noa (a former waiter and former husband of the ‘wide hipped super star’) accuses her in court papers of putting spells on him and other enemies. Noa, whose 11-month marriage to J.Lo ended in 1998, claims he was under the influence of Caribbean voodoo.

A spokesman for Lopez called his allegations "ridiculous and untrue” and allegedly adding that “it isn’t like the Jennifer Lopez in the movies so how can it be true? I mean she's nice in U-Turn isn't she?” This was apparently while Lopez was dancing and chanting in a Caribbean language in the background.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Rumor Mill: Madonna commits a Syn(agogue)

Report By Tyler 'Ty' Deschanel

According to my sources aging pop star Madonna has been thrown out of her Kabalah group after allegedly eating pork chops in a synagogue and insulting the Jewish faith whilst on a drunken bender.

The 80s sex pot turned new millennium hypocritical bore, also supposedly remarked how she thought Schindler's List was a fun fictional film that could have had a few more laughs and car chases but was still amusing.

"We are outraged by her behaviour! We threw her out after she ate bacon and pork chops and then flung bits of it at the others! Then she insulted our faith! And worst of all she insulted Jackie Mason! I mean come on! Oy Vey! We will not be welcoming her back!" barked Rabbi Jacob Ishmael Jerry Seinfeld.

The star meanwhile has decided not to apologise "I'm Madonna! I don’t apologise. If the Jews don’t like me then that’s their problem - there are plenty of other religions and minority groups I can abuse to boost my popularity!"

Monday, July 17, 2006

The Buzz: Ice Cube In Hot Water

Report By Mr Jones

Rapper/actor Ice Cube has come under fire
after his tirade against Oprah Winfrey last week. The rapper, real name O'Shea Jackson, ranted against Winfrey's dislike of hip hop but the following words have provoked outrage.

"She's had damn rapists, child molesters and lying authors on her show. And if I'm not a rags-to-riches story for her, who is?"

Numerous rapists, Child molestors and lying authors have reacted with anger at these comments.

"These comments cast a negative light on us!" claim Roman Polanksi head of the RCMLAAOA (Rapists, Child Molesters and Lying Authors Association of America). "We have more right to appear on Oprah than rappers because we need more publicity to highlight our devious and malevolent pastimes! Research suggests that our support is at an all time low whereas Hip Hop is at an all time high! It's just not fair!"

Ice Cube has refused to comment, though rumours that Oprah will record a charity single with the RCMLAAOA are thus far unfounded.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

The Buzz: Matt Gayman?

Report by Mr Smith

Purported 'hunk' Matt Damon (friend of 'actor' Ben Affleck) is apparently releasing an album of songs veered towards the gay community. He allegedly said: "I played a gay in Will and Grace, sung a raspy song as a gay in Talented Mr.Ripley, and then played a retard in Team America... this is logically my next step!" The 'Team America star' then allegedly added camply "The CD will contain raspy renditions of popular gay anthems such as 'I will survive' and 'YMCA' and will be out next year just in time for my taxes."

VIN suspects that homosexuals across San Franscisco will be rejoicing in masses!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Rumor Mill: Scarlett Red Faced

Report By Tyler 'Ty' Deschanel

Following in the footsteps of fellow ingénue tuned C-lister Winona Ryder, The Island star Scarlett Johansson has been caught shoplifting in London. The actress was caught pinching some head lice removal gel from a corner shop.

The bemused shopkeeper had this to say "There I was pricing up some beans when all of a sudden this superstar was stealing hair lice gel! I was going to get her autograph but the police were too busy spraying her with pepper spray and beating her with sticks."

Johansson was then arrested but escaped with a small fine. Luckily she avoided a tougher penalty by flashing the court. "Justice prevails!" she screamed topless on her way out.

All I can say is lucky she has a nice pair... of lawyers to represent her.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The Buzz: Knightly officially not anorexic (as confirmed earlier by our prunes story)

Report by Mr Smith

As we exclusively revealed
earlier, Kiera Knightly has officially confirmed that she is not anorexic. We at VIN knew this all along as she did actually eat, and prided herself on her diet of prunes and riding a unicycle. Well done to us at VIN!

Monday, July 10, 2006

Rumor Mill: Freddie Prinze Joker!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Freddie Prinze Jr
(Dog Vs Man) is challenging Ang Lee for the title of the biggest prankster on earth. The 'emotionless looking actor' has a variety of 'funny' tricks such as dressing as a serial-killer and defecating in trailers on film sets.

Freddie, the 30 year old actor in the spectacularly flop of a 'sit-com' 'Freddie', told the New York Daily News, “"The actress Claire Forlani had watched a documentary on serial killers so I dressed up as one of them. I was all in black with a T-shirt pulled over my eyes and I knocked on her door with a kitchen knife. I apologized to her afterwards."

He also added, "A“nother time Matt Lillard thought it was funny to defecate in my hotel room and it was. It made me laugh so I defecated in his trailer. It made him laugh." What he then allegedly added was "by defecate, I mean, covering his walls with my urine and faeces".

Ang Lee
, you better watch out, he's not only a practical joker, he's also insanely funny too! More insane than funny of course. I'm sure we won't be hearing the last of Freddie Prinze and his crazy antics, but hopefully his co-stars won't be "fred up" with his antics by then!

Friday, July 07, 2006

Rumor Mill: Spielberg to make pro-slavery film

Report By Tyler 'Ty' Deschanel

Rumour has it billionaire movie mogul Steven Spielberg is set to make a new film about slavery. Controversially though the bespectacled Hollywood great is to make the movie pro slavery.

"People nowadays don’t realise how useful slaves actually are! I have nine and they make life so much easier and the best thing is you don't even have to pay them!"

Bizarrely the director made a flop anti slavery film only a few years ago. Human Rights groups are livid "We are livid!" squealed Shami Chakrabarty of Liberty. "This goes against everything we stand for, we thought Spielberg was a humanitarian but we were wrong!"

Spielberg retorted; "People think I'm a tolerant person but didn’t you see the Indiana Jones films? See how I made fun of everyone not white? See how I never have a black hero? See how I intentionally made Amistad into such a boring film?"

The film as yet untitled will be shot this winter and will star an all white cast with Clint Eastwood, Julia Roberts and Woody Allen in make up to play the black characters. Morgan Freeman will narrate.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Rumor Mill: Billion Dollar Baby

Report By Tyler 'Ty' Deschanel

Voluptuous vocalist Mariah Carey has reportedly insured her legs for a whopping $1 billion! The eccentric diva took out the policy to ensure that in the event of a catastrophe her most important assets would be looked after. "People think my most important asset is my voice seeing as I'm a singer, but in fact my most important assets are my legs because if I didn't have them I wouldn't be able to stand up" explained the oddball singer.

If the unthinkable happened and she does lose her legs, Mariah will receive the full $1 billion but don’t worry; legions of fans have already signed up to provide her with their own legs to ensure that she's never legless. "I love all my fans! Not only have they given me their hearts and money but now they have given me their legs too!"

We assume her fans didn't literally give her their hearts.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The Buzz: Rappers hit back at Oprah

Report By Mr Jones

Following our report last week on Oprah Winfrey's
campaign against Hip Hop, numerous rappers have all come out to speak against her. 50 Cent said "She only caters to old white women!" he also later mumbled "Which is exactly who my next album (Get To The Country Club Or Die Trying) is targeting so I'm hoping I can get on her show, I never miss it! The only time I do miss it is if Queer Eye For The Straight Guy is on at the same time I just adore it!"

Ice Cube had this to say "I've been involved in three projects pitched to her, but I've never been asked to participate,"

"For 'Barbershop,' she had Cedric the Entertainer and Eve on, but I wasn't invited," says the 36-year-old rapper, referring to his 2002 movie. "Maybe she's got a problem with hip-hop either that or she has good taste in movies"

Cube adds: "She's had damn rapists, child molesters and lying authors on her show. And if I'm not a rags-to-riches story for her, who is?" VIN would suggest one of the following perhaps:
Genghis Khan, Helen Keller or Aristotle Onassis?

Nas had a comment but he's not so popular anymore so we can't be bothered to show it.

Finally Kanye West had this thought provoking message: "Kanye! Kanye! Kanye! Buy my album it’s the best!"

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

The Buzz: Jay-Z dumps DMX

Report by Mr Jones

Surly tough guy rapper DMX has decided to leave Def Jam Records after his friend Jay-Z was promoted above him to the position of president. Instead DMX will instead record his new album Here We Go Again at Sony but admitted that the promotion of Jay-Z helped him to make his decision.

"I knew it wouldn't work. BARK! We're peers and it always creates problems when your friend suddenly becomes your boss. UHH! COME ON! UHH! It's so unfair! WHAT!"

Unsightly "How-is-he-Beyonce's-boyfriend?" rapper, Jay-Z became president after he retired from active rapping "Tee hee! I don’t rap anymore I just spending my days eating ice cream and watching Annie the movie and they pay me a huge amount! Tee Hee!" he sniggered.

DMX, real name Earl Simmons, insisted that there's no love lost between him and Def Jam, claiming they refused to acknowledge the success of his last album.

"I made $144 million in the first year - their best ever. WHAT! How much do you think they gave me? BARK! Nothing. Not even a card. COME ON!" Sobbed the manly thug.

Monday, July 03, 2006

The Buzz: No telly for Kelly

Report by Mr Jones

Fat daughter of rocker Ozzy Osbourne, Kelly Osbourne has been barred from ever appearing on MTV after her face made thousands of viewers feel violently sick. The foul mouthed failed pop star was on an episode of Punk'd with Aston Kutcher (rumoured to be replaced soon by Ang Lee) and all was going well.

Unfortunately once Osbourne realised she was being pranked she ran towards a camera; panicked the camera operator fumbled and accidentally went to zoom mode. The result was an extreme close up of Osbourne's face being beamed out all across America. Thousands of viewers instantly felt sick and many had fits and went into shock almost bringing the entire American medical infrastructure to a standstill.

The FCC has imposed the biggest fine ever of $200 million to MTV.

MTV vice president Taylor Smash had this to say, "After the unfortunate events of yesterday, MTV and all Viacom affiliates have decided to ban Kelly Osbourne from all future programming. We have been in talks with other networks and are pushing for a total ban."

The total ban will mean Osbourne will not be allowed to be seen or heard in public ever again.