Very Important News


Thursday, August 31, 2006

The Buzz: Kan (ye) stop shouting his name?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Self proclaimed god reincarnate'' Kanye West (a rapper who thinks he's god) has apparently a big case of over loving himself, or a mild form of tourettes, one source allegedly close to Mr.West told me: "Kanye randomly shouts out his own name KANYE, as if he was ever important! He also has the habit of shouting out WORLD EXCLUSIVE whenever he does anything! Even when he goes to the washroom!"

Kanye allegedly had only this to say "WORLD EXCLUSIVE: KANYE speaks! I'm Kanye WEST, I'm KANYE WEST!"

How bizarre!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Buzz: Tom Cruises past sexist comments

Report by Mr Smith

'Cult follower' Tom Cruise has hit back after being called the world's most sexist star. He has earned an 'Ernie' *award.

Allegedly before the birth of his 'daughter' Suri, Tom said "I've got Katie tucked away (in a cell) so no one will get to us (mainly her, actually especially her) until my child is born. She has one meal a day if she is good, and a stretch of her elastic face if she is bad."

But Tom's rep, Arnold Robinson, apparently said: "Tom's comments about him with women are completely fabricated. He respects women as human beings, and if he ruled the world he would give them a right to live."

VIN infers from these comments that he seems to like the men more than the women (regarding respect of course).

*The Sydney based awards honor the worst derogatory public statements.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Rumour Mill: Simpson Speared at Award Show!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Jessica 'not as popular as Britney' Simpson (ex wife of Nick Lachey) was snubbed with much chagrin backstage at the Teen Choice Awards on Sunday, when Simpson strangely asked if she could kiss Britney (wife of layabout Kevin Federline) Spears' pregnant belly.

Allegedly Spears shouted out in a very posh voice, "Hell, no! What an odd odd request! Why would you want to kiss a pregnant woman's belly? Especially when you have just met me? Who are you?"

A backstage witness (possibly
Nick Lachey) confirms the incident saying, "Jessica was really insulted, I mean why wouldn't she let her kiss her belly? Why? But Britney still refused to let her do it."

Only in Hollywood!

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The Buzz: Craig loves bruising Bond!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Resident ugly actor'
Daniel Craig (the new ugly James Bond) tried to do most of the stunts in his first outing as James Bond.

(and therefore snooty) Craig allegedly told our sources, "I try to do as much stuff as I can because if I can get my face on camera as much as possible, then people are really gonna believe it's me as opposed to those pesky good for nothing stuntmen. The truth is, if you don't get bruised when you're doing Bond, you're not doing it properly. That really is it! And I want to be the ugliest most bruised James Bond EVER! If the crowd winces everytime they see your face, you know you are portraying reality!"

We at
VIN hope he hits the mark in more ways than one!

Friday, August 18, 2006

The Buzz: Haley Joel! Osment loses Sixth Sense.

Report by Mr Smith

Former child star and 'unsuccessful adult star'
Haley Joel Osment (The Sixth Sense) has been charged with drunk driving and marijuana possession following his car crash in Los Angeles last month.

When arrested by the police he allegedly mumbled: "I took the marijuana as I wanted to gain my own 6th sense! While unconscious I saw
Bruce Willis asking me to be a new film, 'The Whole 11 Yards'. Thats when I awoke and knew it was just the drugs talking. As for one, who would want to be another sequel to the awful first too, and two, Bruce Willis won't even answer my constant barrage of calls begging for work!"

Thursday, August 17, 2006

The Buzz: Christina too Ticci to be a superstar

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Alien faced' actress Christina Ricci (star of children's film Casper) has been telling our sources that
she is too short to become a Hollywood A-lister.

The 'child star and child lookalike' allegedly had this to say:
"I don't think that's ever going to happen for me. I'm five-one first thing in the morning, and I tend to look really small on camera. I can probably go as far as Holly Hunter and Gary Coleman went, then I think that's going to be it. I have a feeling I am way too small. I also have a really odd looking face, maybe that too could also be a problem!"

hopes that her career looks up and doesn't end short.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The Buzz: Metcalfe Jess Desperate for interviews to end

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Desperate' actor Jesse Metcalfe (he played a gardener in Desperate Housewives) lost his cool as he threw a couch across the room during an interview in London last week. Before an interview for MTV UK, Jesse moaned to the crew that he'd been doing interviews about his role in John Tucker Must Die for two days and was "p***ed off".

Sources say that: "Jesse made things very difficult... When the interviewer asked what the biggest moment in his life was, Jessie barked back: 'Being born!' He then got up and, for no reason, threw the couch. It flipped over and shocked everyone."

A source from VIN caught up with Jesse and quizzed him on why he caused such a scene. He allegedly barked: "because (woof*) I really haven't (woof!) (woof!) done much in my career (woof!) (woof!) (woof!) and with films such as John Tucker Must Die (woof!) I feel my career is going downhill (woof!) "

really hopes that with his attitude and the way his career is going, the 'star' of
John Tucker Must Die does not create his own film, 'Interviewers Must Die!'

represents his barking during the interview.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The Buzz: Tom Cruises to the rescue

Report by Mr Smith

'Alleged Sea-org level Scientologist' Tom Cruise (War of the Worlds) and 'rubber faced' Katie Holmes (Tom's 'baby machine')
rushed to the aid of a couple after witnessing a car accident in Utah on Saturday night. However, before calling for the emergency services Cruise allegedly quickly posed for the cameras (all owned by Katie Holmes) and allegedly added "if it were not for the Cruister, this couple could have been in a whole world of hurt! Hurray for the Cruister!" while the couple looked on in agony.

The couple made it to the hospital ok, and Cruise has again become the national hero who has captured our hearts.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Rumor Mill: Round up of all Hollywood's greatest stories from last week

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Robert Downey Jr (renowned for his time in rehab) has revealed that deep down he isn't an addict that everyone claims him to be and would not take drugs. He allegedly told one of my sources "I am not a druggie. If they were not so addictive I would not take them!"

Some wise words from Robert Downey Jr!

Matt Dillon (Cameron Diaz's ex boyfriend) has revealed that he has a penchant for all things furry. He allegedly said "I like fur, it's a good look".

PETA better watch out a new target is in town and he's a 'hunk'!

Gary Coleman (famous for being short and rude) has recently annouced that he loves the Amazon and would like to live there. "The Amazon is great" he said. When asked why the Amazon was an ideal place to live as it was inhabited by wildlife probably bigger than him, he allegedly proceeding to say "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, journalist?"

Gary Coleman, always full of comedy gold!

Friday, August 11, 2006

The Buzz: Director loses all Bond with number 22

Report by Mr Smith

Director of '
predictable romantic comedy' Notting Hill, Roger Michell has stormed out of negotiations over what would be Daniel Craig's second outing as James Bond, codenamed Bond-22. This departure was due to 'creative differences' and will cause a problem with the producers as they already have a release date for the next 007 film - May 2, 2008.

One of our sources allegedly caught up with Roger Michell and asked what was his sudden change of heart. He replied, "I wanted to work with Hugh Grant again, and also to a lesser extent Julia Roberts. The story I had in mind involved the superspy as Hugh, bumbling through his missions much akin to Inspector Clousseau of the Pink Panther movies. He would have also bumped into an evil super villian, Julia. The plan was for him to fall in love with her and then for her to reveal herself as a man (by taking off her skirt), and for a dramatic finale fight (in the form of conversation of course) to ensue. Suprisingly the producers didn't take to it, therefore I quit!"

Thursday, August 10, 2006

The Buzz: Will B-day clean up the charts?

Report by Mr Smith

'Bootylicious' singer and 'actress' Beyoncé (ex-Destiny's Child member) held a press conference about her new album, 'B-day' today. She allegedly said, "I really hope it is as successful as my movie 'The Pink Panther' my performance in that movie made that film a success! Steve Martin? Poo-ey!"

When informed by a journalist that her album was called B-day, which phonetically translates into bidet 'a fixture similar in design to a toilet that is straddled for bathing the genitals and the posterior parts*' she became silent and red in the face.

Her 'hideously-looking' boyfriend Jay-Z (an on and off rapper named Sean Carter) apparently interjected to try to end Beyoncé's awkward silence by shouting out randomly "Sean Carter!" and "I'm coming out of retirement...again!" much to the laughter of the press.

Beyoncé stormed off the stage in embarrassment while allegedly saying to herself "Oh no... not again...".

Definition supplied by

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The Buzz: Savage becomes Dad!

VIN Exclusive!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Child star' Fred Savage (The 'Mole' in Austin Powers: Goldmember)
has become a father for the first time. The baby faced star has had a boy, who allegedly looks like a carbon replica of the former actor but with a tiny body. Savage was allegedly quoted to have said "now I can experience my own wonder years, with my son," to much of the delight of the two journalists who were hoping to catch such a wonderful sound bite while awaiting for treatment over an incident with Vadim Perelman. Savage then allegedly murmured "I wonder if I can use him as my stunt double"

Aw... How sweet. He wants to get him to follow in his father's footsteps so soon.
VIN has always wondered why he never fulfilled his wonderful potential.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The Buzz: Perel AGAIN as Vadim Strikes!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Director and abuser of the female public' Vadim Perelman (
a notorious abuser of women) has ironically 'hit back' at claims he hurled a chair at the head of a Discovery Channel writer in a fit of rage.

The writer, Renae Garcia (a woman), alleged that
Perelman assaulted her at his Venice Beach, California home in January, just hours after they met in a bar, because she neglected him. She told my sources, "He was, like, 'I've never been treated so rudely in my own house! You left me alone!' Then he picked up a dining-room chair and threw it at my head and laughed evilly, and shouting 'in the Ukraine we call this foreplay!'"

Perelman's lawyer, Paul Callan, denies these claims, and insists the story is totally fabricated: "Renae Garcia's claims regarding an attempted assault with a chair by
Vadim Perelman are utterly false and slanderous. I will reiterate what I have stated many times before I have been told (by many unreliable sources) that it is Ukrainian custom to grope and punch repeatedly in the face, anyone woman who comes near a man, not throw a chair. Vis a Vis, this report is false."

Apparently Perelman was found to comment, however he just managed to grunt wildly like a Ukrainian boar, while being naked and draped with his Ukrainian flag.

Ukrainians never cease to amaze us well mannered and civilized Americans at VIN!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

The Buzz: Szmanda in fat attack!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 'star' Eric Szmanda (CSI: Crime Scene Investigation) was
beaten up by a large woman on Hawaiian island, Kaui. He was leaving the bar when was confronted by "a big Samoan woman." He recalls, "I thought she wanted to shake my hand, but she clocked me in the face."

However, according to one of my fat sources, who was drunk with me at
one party in Manhattan, Szmanda has been reported to have been a 'chubby chaser' for quite a while. One fat source who allegedly slept with Szmanda said, "if it wasn't the fat legs, it was the fat stomach that he loved to kiss. He would go crazy all over my fat body and shout out 'fat frenzy' repeadtedly when he did."

will see if this story fattens up and gets juicier in the coming months!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The Buzz: Perel for 3 women as Vadim parties on!

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Director Vadim Perelman (who?)
appeared in a Norwalk, Connecticut court on Monday on charges he groped two women and punched another at a nightclub. His attorney, Paul Callan allegedly said, "Mr. Perelman never intended to harm anyone during the evening in question. In fact, I have been told (by many unreliable sources) that it is Ukrainian custom to grope and punch repeatedly in the face, anyone woman who comes near a man."

I caught up with 'evil-looking and evil-doing Ukrainian' Vadim at an exclusive party in Manhattan and he had this to say: "I have never done this before! I usually just punch!"

Vadim considering we in the 'great' USA do not like the Ukraine anyway, you really have done your country proud!

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The Buzz: Gibson gives cops Mel and is arrested!

Report by Mr Smith

Mel Gibson (What Women Want) may have damaged his career and car over the weekend when he was arrested for drink driving.
He reportedly shouted out, "f***ing Jews" and "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world" and asked the arresting deputy, who admitted to being "as frightened as Anne Frank" by Gibson, "Are you a Jew?"

The following day, Gibson issued a statement allegedly stating, "I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested, much like my character Martin Riggs in the Lethal Weapon series. I then transformed into a portion of a character called Max, from my Mad Max films, and finally I felt the anger and rage from when I directed 'The Passion of the Christ' which is, by the way, based on a true story. However, I deeply regret what I said as I do not believe what I said to be true and because the Jews control the majority of Hollywood."