Very Important News


Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Dogg's Eye View: On Whether There Will Ever Be A Black President

The Very Important News Network is always endeavouring to bring more distinct viewpoints of all the major events of our times. To that end VIN is proud to introduce our newest guest columnist, Kool Dogg.

Mr Dogg is a “straight up gangsta” from the mean streets of New York via the tough ‘hoods of L.A. Our new ethnic reporter joins us for his unique take on the news. This uncompromising view represents the hard reality of life and the real word on the streets. Today on VIN, Kool Dogg on whether there will ever be a black president.

“Jay-Z is the president already! Don’t you know nothing pops? Jigga my n***a!”

Monday, September 24, 2007

Rumor Mill: P. I. N. Kraut?

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Shocking everyone today is the news that former RnB star, current angry rock/pop/crap star Pink is actually a German!

The sassy singer, real name Alecia Moore, broke out in the late 90's surprising everyone by being both white and an RnB star! She came to her senses later when she ditched the melodic caterwauling for rockier miming but scandal has always followed her, primarily the accusation that she is German. Her highly masculine face and burly body were the key giveaways, but today she will reportedly set the record straight!

"Yes its true Ty, I am a Kraut! I am surprised not more people realised after listening to my manly voice and watching me dance in a manly fashion whilst looking like a man in drag! This however does not make me a Nazi though I admit I am partial to goose-stepping and do love a bit of Sauerkraut and Wienerschnitzel!"

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Rumor Mill: X Marks The Spook?

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Looks like David Duchovny, the X-Files and Evolution star is having some troubles in his new house. The actor thought he would be a big star after the X- Files finished and splashed on a huge house with his wife Tea Leoni who also assumed she would become a big star. A string of flops in a row have now meant that the pair had to downgrade to a smaller house but they didn’t bet on the house being haunted!

Local real estate agent and suspected psychiatric patient Chris "Dunny" Dunne had this to say "The house I sold them is haunted! The house was built on a burial site where the worst serial killers of all time are buried! I told them not to buy it but they were so desperate! At night you can hear the sounds of the dammed mwa ha ha ha!"

Sounds like a case for The X-File's Fox Mulder aka David Duchovny!

Monday, September 17, 2007

The Buzz: Kobe Gets His Goat

Report by Mr Jones

Superstar basketball player and rape "suspect" Kobe Bryant has once again been arrested for an improper and aggressive sexual act. However this time the LA Lakers star has reportedly had sexual relations with a goat!

This is what he had to say just before he was arrested before last night's game "The genius is that this is not illegal unlike the other time when I raped that woman! What it is illegal? Man, I got the worst layer!!"

Yes Kobe, looks like you do!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The Buzz: West Is Not Best (Again)

Report by Mr Jones, Live at the MTV VMAs

Whiny perennial awards loser Kanye West yesterday weighed in after bemoaning that not only was Britney Spears allowed to appear at the MTV VMAs and he wasn’t but that also didn’t win any awards - again.

At the show the artists either performed on the main stage, smaller "fan" booths or both. West on the other hand was only allowed to perform in the janitor's closet but only if he assisted with toilet unblocking duties.

According to my backstage source at MTV, West started getting visibly upset after watching the closing performance featuring Justin Timberlake, Timbaland and Nelly Furtado. "He started grabbing bystanders and asking anyone who'd listen why he wasn't allowed to perform on the main stage.

"How come I wasn’t on the main stage? Justin's my boy, but even he gets to perform on the main stage and in a booth? And I been unblocking toilets all night! It's not fair! Waa! Waa! And how come I didn’t win again? My videos were crazy expensive yo! Man I bribed every judge and even gave the head of MTV a reach around! What's up with that? Waaaa!"

He also told me that he pledged to never work with MTV again. MTV bosses were reportedly high fiving each other shortly after.

Monday, September 10, 2007


Report by Mr Jones, Live at the MTV VMAs

Very Important News celebrated the end of its annual summer vacation with its annual trip to the MTV VMA awards. VIN has had a long time association with the awards and in recognition of this the entire VIN staff including Mr Smith, Ty & Clarissa Scheissberg, were made guests of honour.

The highlight of the music love-in was the much anticipated comeback of VMA favourite Britney Spears with her new song "Gimme More". Over the past few months Spears has been the subject of much conjecture and mockery. VIN was greatly concerned by the recent troubles that Britney was going through. We miss the days of the tight outfits, the sexually suggestive dancing and the odd vocals - and so we were all looking forward to the promise of a show stopping performance.

Unfortunately the performance stopped the show for all the wrong reasons. The former teen superstar stumbled on to stage seemingly unaware of her surroundings and then forgot the lyrics before miming about 5 seconds out of sync with the song. She then ranted about why the War was a good thing and that she was hoping to enlist next month and "whoop some Ass" and later pointing to Kanye West screaming "Kanye West doesn’t care about White People" before being dragged off the stage by her dancers.

Even fellow nominees were shocked by the performance. 50 Cent who was in the crowd was said to be grimacing but we are not sure if this was due to Britney or just his regular expression. Justin Timberlake was seen to be giggling uncontrollably with Scarlett Johansson while Christina Aguilera was literally rolling on the floor laughing her ass off. Host Sarah Silverman was merciless with her post Britney jibes and even threatened to elaborate more on her Comedy Central show The Sarah Silverman Show - fortunately for Britney it is unlikely that anyone will actually watch it.

Watch the video here.

We at VIN salute Britney's pluck and determination and are sure this setback won't hamper her return to her hit making days - we are sure the public will forgive her. Why? Well mainly cos she's hot.