Very Important News


Monday, June 25, 2007

VIN Is On Vacation!

The Very Important News Network is now on vacation and will be returning in September with even more of the juiciest news so watch this space!

Remember if it's not on VIN, its not important!

The Very Important News Staff

Friday, June 22, 2007

Rumor Mill: Witch Potter star loves the supernatural?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Experts' have discovered that the 'evil yet admirable'
Harry Potter villain Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton) is related to real-life WITCHES.

The 'part time actor and full time snooty pupil of Hogwarts' is descended from convicts hanged during the notorious Salem witch trials in 1692.

A researcher, David Nelson, with nothing better to do concluded:

“I have discovered concrete proof of a link between Tom and some of those who were executed. He is a distant relative of John Proctor — who was hanged on August 19, 1692.”

Mr Nelson from the great Salt Lake City of our great USA, has been probing the Salem witches’ history for four years, he shouted surprisingly:

"I have sent my findings to the evil witch Malfoy family yet they have only replied with angry messages such as go away, and I once got an eye of a newt through the post, but here's hoping for an autograph!"

Strange but true? The great minds at VIN can only wonder.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Rumor Mill: Clooney finds no love for Paris

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Silver haired butler' George Clooney has demanded an apology from a media outlet after he was misquoted bad-mouthing jailed bimbo Paris Hilton.

The 'sexy voiced houseworker' was quoted as saying, "You can only get so far without discernable talent - then you either work, or use cheap publicity tricks to keep the public's attention. Paris has no reason to complain if she is on the end of bad publicity."

According to a representative for Clooney he was actually meant to say "Paris Hilton is a bitch. We (me and Brad) all hate her."

It doesn't look like Clooney will be staying at Hilton hotels after those comments!

Monday, June 11, 2007

Game ON! With Sakura & The Dude: Miyamoto's Masterpiece?

Hi guys! We caught up with gaming legend Shigeru Miyamoto last week to find out about his ideas for his next game.

Here's what he had to say:
"I have some ideas. One is that in Japan, there are a lot of trains that have sections reserved for the elderly or pregnant women. Young people in Japan sometimes sit in them, but if people come up and need them, you are supposed to get up. But most of the kids don't! It really upsets me.

If I could build a game that somehow made the young people respect their elders... And there is another issue bugging me. In Japan there are a lot of people who freelance or work under the table — people who don't pay any taxes. I look at places in the world where people understand that paying taxes to the government helps society. In Japan there's not that understanding. So [social responsibility] is yet another issue I might address in a game."

Sounds... great!

The dude says: I like to sit on pregnant women.

Friday, June 08, 2007

The Buzz: Omarion wants to be hOm-Alien?

Report by Mr Smith

Omarion has told reporters that he wants to be taken seriously as a musical artist and that he isn’t all about his dance moves. The ‘You’ve Got Served star' told my spies (in the third person) while dancing fruitily:

“Omarion is a musical genius. Pray for Omarion, pray for him to become greater than he already is. My song 'Icebox' is surely the most intelligently lyrically written song ever! Everything pales in comparison. Pray for Omarion. OMARION!!!!!!”

Omarion is currently auditioning for a role as the homosexual alien in David Spade’s new film, Dog Vs Alien.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Rumor Mill: Kenny Zzz?

Report by Mr Smith

‘Frilly haired musician’ Kenny G has allegedly admitted that even he has fallen asleep during recording his tracks for his new album ‘Elevator music: sounds of the aged’.

The self proclaimed ‘sexyphonist’ said:

“My new album ‘Elevator music: sounds of the aged’ is all about feeling, soul, and something that I really can’t remember. It is actually quite boring, so boring that I fell asleep while playing the sexyphone during the recording of this album. But it will make me some money and I will be able to continue my $50,000 monthly fee for hair products.”

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

The Buzz: Just Shoot.. the aliens?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

‘Star of the failed vehicle Dog Vs ManDavid Spade is to star in a new film Dog Vs Alien. Spade said enthusiastically:

"They have totally reworked the project Dog Vs Man, taking out the parts of the Man, and completely revamped it up and taken it to the next level. He is not a man no more. He is an alien! This means it will be probably be more exciting and more fun. We are trying to get someone to play the part of the homosexual alien. This film will definitely go into production, if it doesn’t. Just shoot me!”

Same old jokes, same old Spade.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Rumor Mill: Letterman loves Leching?

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Ugly and unfunny television presenter'
David Letterman has allegedly revealed that he likes to watch people intently in parks, whlie wearing his long brown jacket.

When asked about his habit he allegedly replied: "Yes... yes I do" while grinning inanely in the way that only Letterman knows how.

After questioning he continued to look at a couple in a lover's tryst at a near by tree for several hours.

Monday, June 04, 2007

The Buzz: Apologiser Teaser Poster

VIN World Exclusive!

Exclusive by Mr Jones

VIN broke the news last year of the new Martin Scorsese and Tom Conti film "The Apologiser from uber production house D & T Productions and now is the first to bring you an exclusive look at the teaser poster!

Click on the image for a larger version.

Friday, June 01, 2007

The Buzz: Jason Statham Interview!

World Exclusive Interview by Mr Jones

Hollywood action man Jason Statham took time out of his busy schedule of dancing in front of a mirror and beating people up to speak to VIN exclusively about his latest projects.

First of all Jason I have to say you look great!

Jason Statham:
Thanks Mr Jones! In my line of work I have to be in peak physical condition. I used to go to the gym a lot but then I realised that dancing in front of my bedroom mirror and listening to power ballads really gave me the workout I need.

Fantastic! So tell us about your new film Bank Day?

It’s a great big action packed Jerry Bruckheimer thriller! I wasn’t sure about another action film - I was planning to act in a classy period film where I play an 18th century dandy but when Jerry Bruckheimer calls you, you gotta answer! The script is written by some newcomers so I was unsure but when I read my big line, "Time to take out the tax!" in a delicious pun I knew I just had to do it!

Great, great, so what's the situation with Checkmates?

JS: Well Mr Jones I can't talk much about it but seeing as it's for VIN I'll tell you the gossip. Basically our director Milos Forman was very disappointed with the script. It called for our new addition to the cast Andre 3000 to defeat a chess grandmaster by using a new move called the "Hip Hop rook to da castle smash grab" which involves one piece talking out all the others in a combo manoeuvre. Unfortunately the chess community are in uproar as this move isn’t actually used in chess. And they claim it's an insult for a move to rewrite the centuries old rules of chess for a movie. Shows how much they know! Anyway Andre 300 has pulled out now and we will be replacing him with Michael Richards who will be blacking up to play the role of Chess Dogg, it's actually part of his community service after his racial outburst.

So Andre is out and Kramer is in?

JS: Yes that’s right! We have also had some problems with Paul Walker who can't convincingly play chess on screen. We have resorted to using stunt hands for the close ups but its still proving to be a stressful environment. Forman keeps threatening to quit but fortunately Uwe Boll is ready in the wings should this happen.

Well Jason thanks for talking to us exclusively for VIN!

Its always a pleasure for VIN and Mr Jones! Now I have to get back to my tunes and my mirror!

And with that Hollywood hard man returned to pumping his glistening guns to Bonnie Tyler's Hero. The definition of masculinity has surely just been rewritten by this supremely talented star. VIN predicts big things for Jason! You can BANK on it!