Very Important News


Monday, October 15, 2007

The Buzz: K.O. KO'd

Report by Mr Jones

Unattractive loudmouth Kelly Osbourne is trying to mount a comeback after being banned from ever appearing in public last year. The highly popular decision was passed by the senate last month but despite society's entire objection she still will not remain quiet.

"I am an annoying loudmouth so what! I will continue to impose my hideous face and equally obnoxious voice upon the world! I don’t care!" she shrieked.

Surprisingly, plastic surgery magnet Paris Hilton, horse faced ex-singer Victoria Beckham and STI addict Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan have all rallied around Kelly. "She makes even us seem palatable! Without her all of the world's disgust will be forced upon us! Previously our pathetic lifestyles had been overshadowed by her antics but now we have no hope!" whined equine-like former Spice "girl" Beckham, who then had to leave as she was running in the Grand National later that day.

Meanwhile all the members of the 'Save Kelly' protest group have been mysteriously killed in a firework related incident at a firework factory they had been invited too.

Monday, October 08, 2007

The Buzz: G-String Unit?

Report by Mr Jones

Tough guy rapper 50 Cent has confessed that he likes to wear women's underwear. "It feels so good! I especially like the crotchless ones! It just hangs out! Wait is that microphone on? Oh no! Umm I mean yeah I like to see WOMEN in women's underwear!!! Please believe me! Don’t run away! Come back!!!"

He never did catch up with our gutsy reporter, mainly due to the full length ball gown Fiddy was wearing at the time.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Rumor Mill: Mission: Incredible

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Fresh from helping a couple in trouble last year, shamed movie star Tom Cruise has been spotted helping another pair of down and outs at a premiere in London last week. The star spotted two Asians - an Indian man and a Chinese man who were seen walking away from the première to a nearby all-you-can-eat buffet – concerned that they weren’t going towards the première to join the onlookers Cruise told his armed security to escort the pair right to the front of the line where they had the good fortune of being able to meet Cruise face to face and hear almost 35 minutes worth of anecdotes.

"Yes, recently, I Tom Cruise, saviour of mankind and Thetan master mentalist, helped two ethnic minorities on my missionary travels in London - they were clearly wretched and diseased and I saved them by my touch alone. I am thinking of adopting them as they obviously have no family. Aren't I a maniac?! No, no I'm not I'm just a guy who loves his kids and also I love your kids more than you do too cos I'm just great. I am also hoping to cure Bird Flu this afternoon assuming my meeting with Ron Howard is cancelled. Vote Cruise!"

All I have to say is, is there anything this man CAN'T NOT do?

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

The Buzz: Super Model Gets Wrong Role... Model

Report by Mr Jones

On a recent casting call for the proposed straight to video prequel Dog vs. Man 2: Female Dog vs. Female Man, producers were surprised to find Naomi Campbell in the waiting line. When asked what she was doing there she responded: "I'm here for the movie, I heard they needed a bitch."

Producers however did not clarify that the role was actually for a canine and allowed her to audition, why you ask? Mainly to humiliate her.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Rumor Mill: Keanu's Not So Excellent Adventure

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

"Neutral looking" actor Keanu Reeves was accidentally locked in a wooden crate yesterday in a bizarre incident. The occurrence occurred in Beverley Hills, as the "blank faced" Matrix star was shopping. He was looking at some jeans when a group of teamsters picked up the actor and placed him in a wooden crate, they then hammered it shut and carted it away to the storage area. It took over three hours before staff released the mistake.

Keanu had this to tell us "Well it seemed those guys confused me with a mannequin and carted me off in a box! I guess it's not such a strange mistake to make. I didn’t really like being in the box but I am far too polite too make a fuss. Plus it was nice to be able to hang out without getting bothered!"

All I can say is Keanu Reeves' reputation for being the nicest man in Hollywood is surely undamaged!