Very Important News

Rumor Mill: Prince Gets Nighted

2007-12-03T09:04:00.000-08:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

80's superstar, Purple fan and suspected self fellatio-ist, Prince has indicated that he may be in the running to star in M Night Shyamalan's next film. "He said I had great presence and extraordinary looks. With my music career in the toilet this may be my only hope!"

Twist-meister Shyamalan on the other hand had this to say, "No, I told him I wanted some great presents and that he was an extraordinary kook. Though I'll let him believe he's got the role. When he finds out the truth it will be a great twist! And you know I love those!"

Yes, yes you do Night!

The Buzz: Whoopi! Goldberg retires from acting?

2007-11-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Smith

Ugly "comedienne" Whoopi Goldberg has announced she is retiring from acting to concentrate on her broadcasting career.

The loud mouthed "actress" , (who is allegedly 102 years old), insists there's "no room" for her in Hollywood anymore because there are younger, more glamorous actresses taking all the jobs.

She told unsurprised talk show host Larry King (who is allegedly younger that Whoopi Goldberg) "You know, there's no room for the very talented Whoopi. There's no room right now in the marketplace of cinema."

Larry King responded with a chuckle, and then realised Goldberg was not joking.

The Buzz: K.O. KO'd

2007-10-15T07:22:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Jones

Unattractive loudmouth Kelly Osbourne is trying to mount a comeback after being banned from ever appearing in public last year. The highly popular decision was passed by the senate last month but despite society's entire objection she still will not remain quiet.

"I am an annoying loudmouth so what! I will continue to impose my hideous face and equally obnoxious voice upon the world! I don’t care!" she shrieked.

Surprisingly, plastic surgery magnet Paris Hilton, horse faced ex-singer Victoria Beckham and STI addict Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan have all rallied around Kelly. "She makes even us seem palatable! Without her all of the world's disgust will be forced upon us! Previously our pathetic lifestyles had been overshadowed by her antics but now we have no hope!" whined equine-like former Spice "girl" Beckham, who then had to leave as she was running in the Grand National later that day.

Meanwhile all the members of the 'Save Kelly' protest group have been mysteriously killed in a firework related incident at a firework factory they had been invited too.

The Buzz: G-String Unit?

2007-10-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Jones

Tough guy rapper 50 Cent has confessed that he likes to wear women's underwear. "It feels so good! I especially like the crotchless ones! It just hangs out! Wait is that microphone on? Oh no! Umm I mean yeah I like to see WOMEN in women's underwear!!! Please believe me! Don’t run away! Come back!!!"

He never did catch up with our gutsy reporter, mainly due to the full length ball gown Fiddy was wearing at the time.

Rumor Mill: Mission: Incredible

2007-10-05T07:46:00.000-07:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Fresh from helping a couple in trouble last year, shamed movie star Tom Cruise has been spotted helping another pair of down and outs at a premiere in London last week. The star spotted two Asians - an Indian man and a Chinese man who were seen walking away from the première to a nearby all-you-can-eat buffet – concerned that they weren’t going towards the première to join the onlookers Cruise told his armed security to escort the pair right to the front of the line where they had the good fortune of being able to meet Cruise face to face and hear almost 35 minutes worth of anecdotes.

"Yes, recently, I Tom Cruise, saviour of mankind and Thetan master mentalist, helped two ethnic minorities on my missionary travels in London - they were clearly wretched and diseased and I saved them by my touch alone. I am thinking of adopting them as they obviously have no family. Aren't I a maniac?! No, no I'm not I'm just a guy who loves his kids and also I love your kids more than you do too cos I'm just great. I am also hoping to cure Bird Flu this afternoon assuming my meeting with Ron Howard is cancelled. Vote Cruise!"

All I have to say is, is there anything this man CAN'T NOT do?

The Buzz: Super Model Gets Wrong Role... Model

2007-10-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Jones

On a recent casting call for the proposed straight to video prequel Dog vs. Man 2: Female Dog vs. Female Man, producers were surprised to find Naomi Campbell in the waiting line. When asked what she was doing there she responded: "I'm here for the movie, I heard they needed a bitch."

Producers however did not clarify that the role was actually for a canine and allowed her to audition, why you ask? Mainly to humiliate her.

Rumor Mill: Keanu's Not So Excellent Adventure

2007-10-01T10:06:00.000-07:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

"Neutral looking" actor Keanu Reeves was accidentally locked in a wooden crate yesterday in a bizarre incident. The occurrence occurred in Beverley Hills, as the "blank faced" Matrix star was shopping. He was looking at some jeans when a group of teamsters picked up the actor and placed him in a wooden crate, they then hammered it shut and carted it away to the storage area. It took over three hours before staff released the mistake.

Keanu had this to tell us "Well it seemed those guys confused me with a mannequin and carted me off in a box! I guess it's not such a strange mistake to make. I didn’t really like being in the box but I am far too polite too make a fuss. Plus it was nice to be able to hang out without getting bothered!"

All I can say is Keanu Reeves' reputation for being the nicest man in Hollywood is surely undamaged!

Dogg's Eye View: On Whether There Will Ever Be A Black President

2007-09-25T11:38:00.000-07:00

The Very Important News Network is always endeavouring to bring more distinct viewpoints of all the major events of our times. To that end VIN is proud to introduce our newest guest columnist, Kool Dogg.

Mr Dogg is a “straight up gangsta” from the mean streets of New York via the tough ‘hoods of L.A. Our new ethnic reporter joins us for his unique take on the news. This uncompromising view represents the hard reality of life and the real word on the streets. Today on VIN, Kool Dogg on whether there will ever be a black president.

“Jay-Z is the president already! Don’t you know nothing pops? Jigga my n***a!”

Rumor Mill: P. I. N. Kraut?

2007-09-24T07:42:00.000-07:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Shocking everyone today is the news that former RnB star, current angry rock/pop/crap star Pink is actually a German!

The sassy singer, real name Alecia Moore, broke out in the late 90's surprising everyone by being both white and an RnB star! She came to her senses later when she ditched the melodic caterwauling for rockier miming but scandal has always followed her, primarily the accusation that she is German. Her highly masculine face and burly body were the key giveaways, but today she will reportedly set the record straight!

"Yes its true Ty, I am a Kraut! I am surprised not more people realised after listening to my manly voice and watching me dance in a manly fashion whilst looking like a man in drag! This however does not make me a Nazi though I admit I am partial to goose-stepping and do love a bit of Sauerkraut and Wienerschnitzel!"

Rumor Mill: X Marks The Spook?

2007-09-19T06:18:00.000-07:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Looks like David Duchovny, the X-Files and Evolution star is having some troubles in his new house. The actor thought he would be a big star after the X- Files finished and splashed on a huge house with his wife Tea Leoni who also assumed she would become a big star. A string of flops in a row have now meant that the pair had to downgrade to a smaller house but they didn’t bet on the house being haunted!

Local real estate agent and suspected psychiatric patient Chris "Dunny" Dunne had this to say "The house I sold them is haunted! The house was built on a burial site where the worst serial killers of all time are buried! I told them not to buy it but they were so desperate! At night you can hear the sounds of the dammed mwa ha ha ha!"

Sounds like a case for The X-File's Fox Mulder aka David Duchovny!

The Buzz: Kobe Gets His Goat

2007-09-17T06:47:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Jones

Superstar basketball player and rape "suspect" Kobe Bryant has once again been arrested for an improper and aggressive sexual act. However this time the LA Lakers star has reportedly had sexual relations with a goat!

This is what he had to say just before he was arrested before last night's game "The genius is that this is not illegal unlike the other time when I raped that woman! What it is illegal? Man, I got the worst layer!!"

Yes Kobe, looks like you do!

The Buzz: West Is Not Best (Again)

2007-09-12T07:29:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Jones, Live at the MTV VMAs

Whiny perennial awards loser Kanye West yesterday weighed in after bemoaning that not only was Britney Spears allowed to appear at the MTV VMAs and he wasn’t but that also didn’t win any awards - again.

At the show the artists either performed on the main stage, smaller "fan" booths or both. West on the other hand was only allowed to perform in the janitor's closet but only if he assisted with toilet unblocking duties.

According to my backstage source at MTV, West started getting visibly upset after watching the closing performance featuring Justin Timberlake, Timbaland and Nelly Furtado. "He started grabbing bystanders and asking anyone who'd listen why he wasn't allowed to perform on the main stage.

"How come I wasn’t on the main stage? Justin's my boy, but even he gets to perform on the main stage and in a booth? And I been unblocking toilets all night! It's not fair! Waa! Waa! And how come I didn’t win again? My videos were crazy expensive yo! Man I bribed every judge and even gave the head of MTV a reach around! What's up with that? Waaaa!"

He also told me that he pledged to never work with MTV again. MTV bosses were reportedly high fiving each other shortly after.

VIN IS BACK! Hooray! BRITNEY IS BACK! Oh dear!

2007-09-10T01:52:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Jones, Live at the MTV VMAs

Very Important News celebrated the end of its annual summer vacation with its annual trip to the MTV VMA awards. VIN has had a long time association with the awards and in recognition of this the entire VIN staff including Mr Smith, Ty & Clarissa Scheissberg, were made guests of honour.

The highlight of the music love-in was the much anticipated comeback of VMA favourite Britney Spears with her new song "Gimme More". Over the past few months Spears has been the subject of much conjecture and mockery. VIN was greatly concerned by the recent troubles that Britney was going through. We miss the days of the tight outfits, the sexually suggestive dancing and the odd vocals - and so we were all looking forward to the promise of a show stopping performance.

Unfortunately the performance stopped the show for all the wrong reasons. The former teen superstar stumbled on to stage seemingly unaware of her surroundings and then forgot the lyrics before miming about 5 seconds out of sync with the song. She then ranted about why the War was a good thing and that she was hoping to enlist next month and "whoop some Ass" and later pointing to Kanye West screaming "Kanye West doesn’t care about White People" before being dragged off the stage by her dancers.

Even fellow nominees were shocked by the performance. 50 Cent who was in the crowd was said to be grimacing but we are not sure if this was due to Britney or just his regular expression. Justin Timberlake was seen to be giggling uncontrollably with Scarlett Johansson while Christina Aguilera was literally rolling on the floor laughing her ass off. Host Sarah Silverman was merciless with her post Britney jibes and even threatened to elaborate more on her Comedy Central show The Sarah Silverman Show - fortunately for Britney it is unlikely that anyone will actually watch it.

Watch the video here.

We at VIN salute Britney's pluck and determination and are sure this setback won't hamper her return to her hit making days - we are sure the public will forgive her. Why? Well mainly cos she's hot.

VIN Is On Vacation!

2007-06-25T01:38:00.000-07:00

The Very Important News Network is now on vacation and will be returning in September with even more of the juiciest news so watch this space!

Remember if it's not on VIN, its not important!

The Very Important News Staff

Rumor Mill: Witch Potter star loves the supernatural?

2007-06-22T09:55:00.000-07:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Experts' have discovered that the 'evil yet admirable' Harry Potter villain Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton) is related to real-life WITCHES.

The 'part time actor and full time snooty pupil of Hogwarts' is descended from convicts hanged during the notorious Salem witch trials in 1692.

A researcher, David Nelson, with nothing better to do concluded:

“I have discovered concrete proof of a link between Tom and some of those who were executed. He is a distant relative of John Proctor — who was hanged on August 19, 1692.”

Mr Nelson from the great Salt Lake City of our great USA, has been probing the Salem witches’ history for four years, he shouted surprisingly:

"I have sent my findings to the evil witch Malfoy family yet they have only replied with angry messages such as go away, and I once got an eye of a newt through the post, but here's hoping for an autograph!"

Strange but true? The great minds at VIN can only wonder.

Rumor Mill: Clooney finds no love for Paris

2007-06-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Silver haired butler' George Clooney has demanded an apology from a media outlet after he was misquoted bad-mouthing jailed bimbo Paris Hilton.

The 'sexy voiced houseworker' was quoted as saying, "You can only get so far without discernable talent - then you either work, or use cheap publicity tricks to keep the public's attention. Paris has no reason to complain if she is on the end of bad publicity."

According to a representative for Clooney he was actually meant to say "Paris Hilton is a bitch. We (me and Brad) all hate her."

It doesn't look like Clooney will be staying at Hilton hotels after those comments!

Game ON! With Sakura & The Dude: Miyamoto's Masterpiece?

2007-06-11T09:29:00.000-07:00

Hi guys! We caught up with gaming legend Shigeru Miyamoto last week to find out about his ideas for his next game.

Here's what he had to say: "I have some ideas. One is that in Japan, there are a lot of trains that have sections reserved for the elderly or pregnant women. Young people in Japan sometimes sit in them, but if people come up and need them, you are supposed to get up. But most of the kids don't! It really upsets me.

If I could build a game that somehow made the young people respect their elders... And there is another issue bugging me. In Japan there are a lot of people who freelance or work under the table — people who don't pay any taxes. I look at places in the world where people understand that paying taxes to the government helps society. In Japan there's not that understanding. So [social responsibility] is yet another issue I might address in a game."

Sounds... great!

The dude says: I like to sit on pregnant women.

The Buzz: Omarion wants to be hOm-Alien?

2007-06-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Smith

‘Dancer’ Omarion has told reporters that he wants to be taken seriously as a musical artist and that he isn’t all about his dance moves. The ‘You’ve Got Served star' told my spies (in the third person) while dancing fruitily:

“Omarion is a musical genius. Pray for Omarion, pray for him to become greater than he already is. My song 'Icebox' is surely the most intelligently lyrically written song ever! Everything pales in comparison. Pray for Omarion. OMARION!!!!!!”

Omarion is currently auditioning for a role as the homosexual alien in David Spade’s new film, Dog Vs Alien.

Rumor Mill: Kenny Zzz?

2007-06-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Smith

‘Frilly haired musician’ Kenny G has allegedly admitted that even he has fallen asleep during recording his tracks for his new album ‘Elevator music: sounds of the aged’.

The self proclaimed ‘sexyphonist’ said:

“My new album ‘Elevator music: sounds of the aged’ is all about feeling, soul, and something that I really can’t remember. It is actually quite boring, so boring that I fell asleep while playing the sexyphone during the recording of this album. But it will make me some money and I will be able to continue my $50,000 monthly fee for hair products.”

The Buzz: Just Shoot.. the aliens?

2007-06-06T09:58:00.000-07:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

‘Star of the failed vehicle Dog Vs Man’ David Spade is to star in a new film Dog Vs Alien. Spade said enthusiastically:

"They have totally reworked the project Dog Vs Man, taking out the parts of the Man, and completely revamped it up and taken it to the next level. He is not a man no more. He is an alien! This means it will be probably be more exciting and more fun. We are trying to get someone to play the part of the homosexual alien. This film will definitely go into production, if it doesn’t. Just shoot me!”

Same old jokes, same old Spade.

Rumor Mill: Letterman loves Leching?

2007-06-05T10:38:00.000-07:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Ugly and unfunny television presenter' David Letterman has allegedly revealed that he likes to watch people intently in parks, whlie wearing his long brown jacket.

When asked about his habit he allegedly replied: "Yes... yes I do" while grinning inanely in the way that only Letterman knows how.

After questioning he continued to look at a couple in a lover's tryst at a near by tree for several hours.

The Buzz: Apologiser Teaser Poster

2007-06-04T09:07:00.000-07:00

VIN World Exclusive!

Exclusive by Mr Jones

VIN broke the news last year of the new Martin Scorsese and Tom Conti film "The Apologiser” from uber production house D & T Productions and now is the first to bring you an exclusive look at the teaser poster!

Click on the image for a larger version.

The Buzz: Jason Statham Interview!

2007-06-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

World Exclusive Interview by Mr Jones

Hollywood action man Jason Statham took time out of his busy schedule of dancing in front of a mirror and beating people up to speak to VIN exclusively about his latest projects.

VIN: First of all Jason I have to say you look great!

Jason Statham: Thanks Mr Jones! In my line of work I have to be in peak physical condition. I used to go to the gym a lot but then I realised that dancing in front of my bedroom mirror and listening to power ballads really gave me the workout I need.

VIN: Fantastic! So tell us about your new film Bank Day?

JS: It’s a great big action packed Jerry Bruckheimer thriller! I wasn’t sure about another action film - I was planning to act in a classy period film where I play an 18th century dandy but when Jerry Bruckheimer calls you, you gotta answer! The script is written by some newcomers so I was unsure but when I read my big line, "Time to take out the tax!" in a delicious pun I knew I just had to do it!

VIN: Great, great, so what's the situation with Checkmates?

JS: Well Mr Jones I can't talk much about it but seeing as it's for VIN I'll tell you the gossip. Basically our director Milos Forman was very disappointed with the script. It called for our new addition to the cast Andre 3000 to defeat a chess grandmaster by using a new move called the "Hip Hop rook to da castle smash grab" which involves one piece talking out all the others in a combo manoeuvre. Unfortunately the chess community are in uproar as this move isn’t actually used in chess. And they claim it's an insult for a move to rewrite the centuries old rules of chess for a movie. Shows how much they know! Anyway Andre 300 has pulled out now and we will be replacing him with Michael Richards who will be blacking up to play the role of Chess Dogg, it's actually part of his community service after his racial outburst.

VIN: So Andre is out and Kramer is in?

JS: Yes that’s right! We have also had some problems with Paul Walker who can't convincingly play chess on screen. We have resorted to using stunt hands for the close ups but its still proving to be a stressful environment. Forman keeps threatening to quit but fortunately Uwe Boll is ready in the wings should this happen.

VIN: Well Jason thanks for talking to us exclusively for VIN!

JS: Its always a pleasure for VIN and Mr Jones! Now I have to get back to my tunes and my mirror!

And with that Hollywood hard man returned to pumping his glistening guns to Bonnie Tyler's Hero. The definition of masculinity has surely just been rewritten by this supremely talented star. VIN predicts big things for Jason! You can BANK on it!

The Buzz: Great Scott!

2007-05-31T02:04:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Jones

English (and therefore classy) director Ridely Scott (no relation to Tony Bennett) was in LA today talking about the recent release of his 2005 mega flop Kingdom Of Heaven on Blu Ray disc.

"I reviewed my Director's Cut of Kingdom of Heaven, which is 3 hrs and 8 minutes thereabouts, on Blu-ray Disc and I was astounded. It was the most impressive thing I've ever seen."

Good to know he is still modest!

Rumor Mill: Lord Of The G-Strings?*

2007-05-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Lost star Dominic Monaghan has admitted that he likes to dress in women's clothing.

The actor who first shot to fame in the hugely successful Lord Of The Rings films explained that he is happy to describe himself as a "metrosexual" and thinks he "should probably be gay".

"I wear make-up and I paint my nails. I wear high heels and women's underwear. This is all true. I like wearing skirts," Dominic explained. "I should probably be gay but I like women too much."

"I am kind of metrosexual in the sense that, if I do get lost, I do ask for directions. I pull over to gas stations and ask. So I don't know. I guess guys have a lot of pride. And not just gay pride! But just to reiterate I am not actually gay." He then minced off in a ball gown and tiara whilst groping the buttocks of Lost co-star Josh Holloway and singing I Will Survive.

* Not to be confused with the soft core parody of the same name.

The Buzz: Lucas Star(ts) Wars with Spider-Man 3

2007-05-29T09:25:00.000-07:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Fat necked director' George Lucas joined the major newspaper critics in their negative appraisal of runaway blockbuster Spider-Man 3.

In an interview with the 'trashy' FoxNews Lucas said, "It's a silly movie. ... There just isn't much there. Once you take it all apart, there's not much story, is there?"

One of Lucas' films Star Wars was also criticized as being "silly," however Lucas proudly noted. "But it wasn't."

An 'incredible' rebuttal from an incredible director.

Rumor Mill: Eager Eva

2007-05-25T14:18:00.000-07:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

In a strange case of life imitating art, Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria has admitted she recently embarked upon an affair with her own gardener.

What is bizarre is that Longoria isn’t married nor does she have a garden.

However unlike her hit show, her gardener isn’t an attractive hunk but in fact an overweight, one legged Bulgarian. "I just wanted to try something different and naughty! And I'd do it again!" she squealed. In a strange coincidence, a line of unsightly reprobates has appeared outside her Beverly Hills mansion just after this story broke.

Rumor Mill: Paris In Jail. Part 2

2007-05-24T11:27:00.000-07:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Although Governer Schwarzenegger's recent attempt to kill Paris Hilton failed, Hilton will indeed go to prison.

Never one to miss an opportunity, Hilton will reportedly make a new sex tape in prison featuring her showering with other inmates. We applaud Hilton on her latest endeavour and hope she spends a long time in the slammer. If not for us then for all the perverts out there on the internet!

The Buzz: Kelly The Great?

2007-05-23T02:01:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Jones

Suspected kiddie lover / crooner R Kelly has compared himself to some of the greatest icons of the 20th century today.

"My greatest competition is me . . . I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now,"

Let's just hope he doesn't get Parkinson's, get assassinated or get shot by his dad.

Rumor Mill: You Moss Be Joking!

2007-05-22T06:50:00.000-07:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

VIN has uncovered a shocking new picture of British model Kate Moss without her make up!

Super model? We think not!

Game ON! With Sakura And The Dude: Wii Straps too Wii-k?

2007-05-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

Hi guys! With Wii consoles selling out all over the world, Nintendo have a lot to be happy about, but now problems with the Wii straps have forced the gaming giant to revaluate their controllers. Gamers across the world were finding that the new play style of gesturing with the controller dubbed the Wiimote had led to many Wii related accidents and even injuries. Nintendo released the following statement "We will be reinforcing the straps in all new Wii controllers and replacing broken ones but quite frankly anyone who has hit themselves or others with the Wii are stupid malco-ordinated morons and yes that’s our official line."

The dude says: I intentionally hit people with my Wiimote - that way I always win.

The Buzz: Enough Duff

2007-05-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Jones

One question the public has been asking recently is what has happened to Hillary Duff's face? The formerly pretty teen actress has recently morphed into a rather unattractive lady.

I caught up with Hillary Duff last week for this exclusive interview.

Mr Jones: So Hilary what's happened to your face?

Hillary Duff: I don’t know, I just don’t know. I'm just so ugly now.

There you go, straight from the horses mouth.

The Buzz: Paris In Jail

2007-05-14T01:27:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Jones

As you well know, professional harlot Paris Hilton was recently convicted of breaching her previous DUI order. The heiress then tried to appeal to Governor Schwarzenegger to overturn the sentence. But this was rebuked with extreme prejudice.

Here's what the Governor and former Mr Universe had to say: "I am pushing for the death penalty"

When asked if the death penalty is applicable to such a minor offence, Schwarzenegger became visibly hostile, ripped of his shirt to reveal his bulging pecs and brandishing a pump action shotgun stormed out shouting "Fine then I'll do it myself! Hilton you are checking out!!"

The Buzz: Hollywood congratulates VIN's 1 year birthday

2007-05-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Smith

Everybody in Hollywood knows that last week was a VERY IMPORTANT birthday and to celebrate the Very Important News network held two lavish parties, one in New York and one in Los Angeles on the same day and invited Hollywood's elite, such as the Oscar worthy actor Tom Cruise and the powerfully bearded Steven Speilberg have congratulated VIN on its 1 year birthday.

I caught up with many of the stars from the Los Angeles party, many who flew in straight after the party in New York.

Tom Cruise had this to say:

"Very Important News has been a very important part of my life. This is why I flew (by myself with a jetpack I might add) from the New York party to this party in LA just to celebrate! It's news, reviews, and interviews. I love it! My love for VIN is not an act! It is a fact."

He then broke into an all singing and dancing ode to VIN:

"VIN, VIN, VIN
SING SING SING
its VIN VIN VIN
WIN WIN WIN!

I love VIN
I like to SING
Tom Cruise is KING

VIN VIN VIN!"

Steven Speilberg also spoke some wise words about VIN.

"Before Very Important News, movies were not very important. In fact they were nothing. As soon as Very Important News became what it is today, movies became everything. I love movies and thus, I love Very Important News. It really is the pinnacle of journalism!"

'Chin faced geeky oddball' Quentin Tarantino couldn't hide his excitement and wouldn't hold back his lavish praise on VIN. He shouted to the rooftops while jumping up and down at our celebrity filled party:

"VIN is like, its like, f*cking genious man! it's like me, and the Green Hornet going head to head with Superman and then finding out that we need to kill the Kingpin with our d*cks! It's f*cking crazy! It's f*cking awesome. It's f*cking VIN!"

Sexy Jessica Alba had this to add via phone from New York: "Very Important News made me the sexiest woman in the world (as voted by internet geeks). I love it!"

Even British dames Helen Mirren and Judi Dench managed to link up via satelite from the UK during the dinner. From their wheelchairs they blew kisses and said: "We love you Very Important News" much to the delight of the beautiful American crowd.

Brothers Luke and Owen Wilson cheekily slurred:

"We love VIN, there we said it. Now where's the hot chicks and free booze?"

Jon Lovitz and Jennifer Aniston showed their loving bond by wishing us thanks in unison saying:

"We love VIN! Thanks for revealing the truth about our relationship."

George Clooney invited himself in to be our silver haired butler for the night was heard to have asked all night: "More wine for the VIN guests?"

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were both very happy to be there and even brought their adopted children, Maddox and Pax with them. Angelina shouted:

"Dance Maddox! Dance for VIN!" While Brad was moving Pax's arms up and down to the sounds of the James Brown classic Living in America. A very sweet couple indeed.

So there you have it. It is official, Very Important News is THE place to read all the world exclusive celebrity news, reviews and interviews. The stars from LA have come out in force and told us so.

We thank them all for their support (some more than others).

VIN loves you all.

The Buzz: The Stars Come Out To Congratulate VIN

2007-05-09T08:13:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Jones

The Very Important News Network threw two huge lavish parties last weekend in both New York City and Los Angeles to celebrate it's birthday. The events were the biggest bash of the year with the stars queuing up for hours to get in. I caught up with a few of the huge numbers of stars at the NY bash who battled to get in to this oh so exclusive occasion:

"Happy Birthday VIN, your exposing of my lack of talent has been very eye opening!"

Lindsay Lohan

"Wow one year old! You guys are almost as great as me Tom Cruise! No, not really I am the greatest!!"

Tom Cruise

"Wow you're one years old! Here's hoping my career lasts as long!"

Kevin "K-Fed" Federline

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!"

Steve Wonder

"Now that’s what I'm talking about! That’s how you have a party! From now on that's how you have a party! Wooo!"

Will Smith

"Diddy says Diddy Birthday to VIN! Diddy What?! Diddy Wow!"

P Diddy

"One year old? That's hot."

Paris Hilton

"Yeah"

Nicole Ritchie

"Fancy a go? Only 20 bucks?"

Lee Tamahori

"Ha ha ha ha! Great news! Happy Birthday VIN A-ha ha ha ha"

Jackie Chan

"Happy Birthday Sugar T*ts!"

Mel Gibson

"Wassup Niggaz! Happy Birthday! PS I am available for Bar Mitzvahs."

Michael Richards

"Here's another great quote! A wise man once said "To be good you have to be true to yourself" and that wise man was me, Tom "Tommy" Cruise!"

Tom Cruise

"It's my birthday! I should be getting a birthday not them!"

Kanye West

"Happy Birthday! You do excellent work!"

Matthew Tsoi

"Watch me dance! Watch me dance! Ooh I'm on fire! The Cruise Machine is burning it up!"

Tom Cruise

"Happy Birthday to all your sexy writers!"

Jessica Alba

"Oh Mr Jones you are so hot. Happy Birthday!"

Adriana Lima

"Many happy returns! I love the site!"

Sumit Dutta

"Happy Birthday! I love you! You always support me even during my "crazy" days!"

Britney Spears

"It's your Birthday? Don be stupid, stupid!"

J-Lo

"Hizzle Bizzledizzle!"

Snoop Dogg

"Listen to me carefully..... Happy Birthday.... that is all"

Wentworth Miller

"Ooh Wentworth!!! Happy Birthday VINNY darling!"

Elton John

"Happy Birthday! What!"

DMX

"Can't talk! I'm still on the run! Happy Birthday!"

Wesley Snipes

"If I had a birthday, here's how I would do it!"

OJ Simpson

"Happy Birthday old chums!"

Tony Blair

"Happy Birthday! You are not girly men as opposed to all the other web sites! And trust me... I will be back! Get it?"

Arnie Schwarzenegger

".... (snort snort) Happy.... (snort) Birthday!""

Kate Moss

"Hear me growl the words to Happy Birthday! Grrrrwlllll!!"

Vin Diesel

"Heh heh heh heh Happy Birthday!"

George W Bush

"I have to go home now and be with my kids! Thanks for inviting me, Tom aka "Tom Mack Daddy Sex Machine Cruise Missile" Cruise! Happy Birthday VIN!"

Tom Cruise

Dogg's Eye View: On Spider-Man 3

2007-05-08T16:06:00.000-07:00

The Very Important News Network is always endeavouring to bring more distinct viewpoints of all the major events of our times. To that end VIN is proud to introduce our newest guest columnist, Kool Dogg.
Mr Dogg is a “straight up gangsta” from the mean streets of New York via the tough ‘hoods of L.A. Our new ethnic reporter joins us for his unique take on the news. This uncompromising view represents the hard reality of life and the real word on the streets. Today on VIN, Kool Dogg on the release of Spider-Man 3

“Crazy white folks shooting webs an’ sh*t! They betta come to Compton I show them some real bizness!”

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO VIN!

2007-05-04T09:45:00.000-07:00

VERY IMPORTANT NEWS IS ONE YEARS OLD TODAY!

Over the past twelve months we have brought you such groundbreaking and very important stories as Benjamin Bratt's smart career move, Tom Hanks's secret chocolate fetish, Ciara's shocking revelation, Jason Stathams's macho exercise routine, the Dog vs. Man debacle and of course the birth of Suri Cruise!

MANY THANKS TO OUR BRAVE AND SEXY CRACK TEAM OF FEARLESS REPORTERS WHO SCOUR THE WORLD FOR THE HOTTEST SCOOPS!

MANY THANKS TO THE SHAMELESS AND SHAMEFUL CELEBRITIES WHO DISGRACE THEMSELVES IN SUCH HILARIOUS WAYS!

AND MANY THANKS TO OUR MANY READERS FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT OVER THE YEAR!

HERE’S TO MANY MORE!

The Very Important News Network Staff

TY & JONES ARE BACK!

2007-05-03T04:36:00.000-07:00

As you all know resident ladies man and mans man (but not ladyman man's) Mr Jones have spent the past month hidden away in an exclusive rehab facility in California on a secret mission to expose more secrets than even we can handle!

Completing his course with flying colours last week, Jones proceed to celebrate with some hard liquor in the company of fellow friend and rehabbers Britney Spears and Colin "Luck o' the Oirish" Farrell before setting his sight on his next perilous mission - to break out respected journalist and fellow VIN writer Tyler "Ty" Deschanel from prison!

Ty had been thrown in prison for a DUI offence but his sentence was shockingly increased after he was caught watching a Mel Gibson movie one night - a major offence in Jew-centric Hollywood.

Enlisting the help of Prison Break's Wentworth Miller, Jones hatched a daring escape plan that included many Hollywood A-Listers, Prince, Tom Cruise and involved Wentworth Miller tattooing the blueprints of the prison to his torso which later proved to be a futile gesture as they already had a copy of the map of the prison. Managing to break Ty out they were confronted by a huge number of armed LAPD SWAT and facing the prospect of being sent back to prison Mr Jones called an old ally, one Arnold Schwarzenegger, who had famously credited his entire success to the help of Tinseltown's legendary Mr Jones.

The Governator not only overturned all the charges but also held a ticker tape parade in honour of our VIN heroes "It was the least I could do! I'll be back!" he commented before going to the bathroom and just like he promised the Governator did indeed return shortly after.

"We're back and better than ever!" exclaimed a jubilant Tyler. "And once I pay off my fines I will be in the black once again!"

"Using all of my sexy and classy skills I have pulled off an amazing feat! Well done to me!" remarked Mr Jones.

All we at VIN can say is:

Mr Jones & Ty... its good to have you back!

Game ON! With Sakura And The Dude: Gamers Violent?

2007-04-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

Hi guys! Following our report over the terrible violence marred the PS3 launch a scientific Think Tank has concluded that games make people violent. Professor A Jenkins had this to say "Games make people violent, like Pokemon man I want to smash their stupid faces in!!!!!!"

It was also revealed that the shooters of the gamer killed in the PS3 scrum were high on drugs.

"These ruffians taking magic mushroom were clearly influenced by the questionable behaviour of Super Mario who notoriously needs mushrooms to become "Super". This game must be outlawed immediately" raged Senator Jack Thompson. "I have asked the local FBI office to conduct an immediate search into the whereabouts of this "Super" Mario and bring him in for questioning!"

The Dude says: I like it when Mario wears the hat with the ears.

Dogg's Eye View: On The War On Terror

2007-04-24T14:55:00.000-07:00

“Yo Terror Squad is tha bomb! Fat Joe represent!”

SPOTTED: Week beginning 9th April 2007

2007-04-11T13:09:00.000-07:00

Report by Lisa Lucker

SPOTTED:

Madonna in Malawi pointing at some orphans while holding a child sized suitcase.

Mcauley Culkin sunbathing and shouting out at passers by: "I'm not an albino!"

Rachel Leigh Cook wanting to be on a set of a new movie.

The Buzz: K Fed up with his career?

2007-04-06T11:52:00.000-07:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Self made millionaire' Kevin Federline is attempting to poke fun at himself in a new US TV ad. The commercial for Nationwide Mutual Insurance sees Federline rapping in a lavish music video before revealing he was just daydreaming at his fast food restaurant job.

The 'rap superstar' agreed to do the advert because he felt it was time people saw a different side to him. He allegedly said, "I felt that it was a good time to come out and make fun of myself. It really works for me financially. I try not to take myself too seriously unless it is about my rap superstar status"

Federline's debut album Playing With Fire has sold a staggering 6,500 copies on its first week of release last year! Talk about being hot hot hot!

SPOTTED: Week beginning 2nd April 2007

2007-04-02T10:49:00.000-07:00

Report by Lisa Lucker

SPOTTED:

Kevin Bacon having a beef with the restaurant owner of a Los Angeles Taco Bell.

Benjamin Bratt trying to calm Kevin Bacon down and calling the manager of the Los Angeles Taco Bell.

Emilio Estevez stripping out of his manager's outfit of a Los Angeles Taco Bell and driving to the set of a new movie (for a last minute audition near by).

Rumor Mill: Jeremy's tip to waiters is to Piv off

2007-03-29T14:18:00.000-07:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Suspiciously gay' Jeremy Piven has reportedly been banned from America's Nobu restaurants after paying a waiter's tip with a DVD. The 'catty' actor was dining at the restaurant in Aspen, Colorado during the recent Us Comedy Arts Festival. When the bill came, Piven paid up and left the waiter a copy of his Entourage series DVD as a tip.

The outraged server threw the DVD at the 'bitchy' diner.

'Funny' Piven is playing down the incident. He allegedly said: "Oh please! I'm such a fan of Nobu and all of his restaurants. It is fabulous! I had a great dinner at the Nobu in Aspen with all my friends, my entourage as I call them. As always, the meal was fabulous and the service was oh so fabulous. Especially since I can leave a DVD I get free as my tip! It was fabulous darling! I just hope us bitches can get together and hug it out."

I am sure Nobu will be watching Piven's entourage alot more closely next time, even if it is only on DVD.

The Buzz: Welling wanting Wolf?

2007-03-28T11:32:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Smith

'Adult actor who plays super powered teen boy' Tom Welling has signed on for a new movie starring a super powered teen wolf who has a penchant for using his wolf like abilities to play basketball.

Teen Wolf as the film will be known, is a remake of 'pint sized' Michael J.Fox's 1985 movie also called Teen Wolf. However according to my sources the fun-loving werewolf of the title will be played by a female.

Tom Welling allegedly had this to say when he found out he did not have the lead role: "I guess in this politically correct day and age we have to have female basketball players... with super powers. I mean whats next? Superman being a Supergirl? This is political correctness gone mad! Although I do value the job.... This is off the record right?"

SPOTTED: Week beginning 26th March 2007

2007-03-26T14:13:00.000-07:00

Report by Lisa Lucker

SPOTTED:

Helen Mirren asking passers by to refer to her as Dame Helen Mirren, or The Queen.

Jon Bon Jovi asking a shop assistant of a well known horse hair wig maker… directions to the nearest coffee store.

Gerard Butler signing autographs at the premiere of his new movie (300).

The Buzz: The one hit wonder Blunt did not want

2007-03-23T09:08:00.000-07:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Full time wailer and part time singer' James Blunt drove over an autograph hunter's foot as he left a Hollywood party last month.

His 'soon to be ex girlfriend (due to his one hit wonder status' supermodel Petra Nemkova insists boyfriend James Blunt had no idea he'd driven over an autograph hunter's foot as he left a Hollywood party last weekend.

The Czech model shouted in her native accent, "We found out the day after! We didn't know! We found out from the newspaper! It's just really sad!"

The 'one hit wonder' is currently being investigated by Los Angeles police after leaving the scene of the incident. The incident has now been classified as a hit and run.

Blunt refused to comment but was heard allegedly wailin when questioned by police.

The Buzz: Japanese Jackson fans just can't stop loving Michael

2007-03-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Smith

'Child lover (in the legal sense)' Michael Jackson arrived in Japan last week where he met with fans who paid $3,500 (£1,800) to spend a minute in his company.

The man with no surgery allegedly whispered: "My fans in Japan helped me achieve historic milestones in the music industry. They all look so young and pretty. I love Japan and it's money!"

Surprisingly earlier this year, the singer said that Japan is "one of my favourite places in the entire world".

SPOTTED: Week beginning 19th March 2007

2007-03-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

Report by Lisa Lucker

SPOTTED:

Martin Lawrence dressed as a pizza delivery man, dancing with a pizza box shouting out “I have pizza!” while trying to get into a movie studio to pitch his new movie.

Micheal Keaton asking for a Batman costume at his local fancy dress shop.

Jason Biggs eating an American pie on the set of his new movie that isn’t a sequel to American Pie.

Rumor Mill: O.J fired naked gun at Smith?

2007-03-16T09:35:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Smith

'Honest citizen' O.J. Simpson has hinted he could be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby daughter Dannielynn. The formerly aquited murderer wants his name added to the list of possible dads, which already includes a list of rich unknowns.

The 59-year-old's alleged murderer paternity claim to a Caucasian baby was made to a man named Norman Pardo, a videographer who documented Simpson between 2000 and 2005.

Pardo told me, "(He) said he was throwing his hat into the ring. He said he knew Anna Nicole pretty well, and he said he had slow-moving sperm, and he might be the father."

Simpson claims he doesn't want to be named as Dannielynn's dad so Fred Goldman - who is pursuing him for damages after winning a multi-million dollar civil suit over the murder of his son Ron and Simpson's wife Nicole - can't make a claim over Smith's fortunes. However he does want some of the money for throwing his proverbial hat into the ring.

Allegedly quoting Simpson, Nardo added, "I hope they don't do a DNA test on Anna Nicole's baby. If they find out Dannielynn is mine, I don't want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money - or the baby herself. I would prefer they do it in secret as I would like the money, but definately not the baby."

Rumor Mill: Wahlberg Mark-ing British roles?

2007-03-14T09:08:00.000-07:00

Report by Mr Smith

'Full time rapper and (part time actor)' Marky Mark (Mark Wahlberg) is determined to broaden his acting experience and wants his next movie role to be an Englishman in a period drama.

The rapper is excited by the prospect of stepping back in time and adopting a British accent.

He told me, "I'd love to take a shot at directing. I'd love to play a boxer. And I'd love to play English. I mean, I don't have to play Tony Blair or anything but I'd like to take a crack at the accent - maybe a period piece or something."

Reports that he is to play nefarious, villainous, posh (and thus British) country manor owner hell bent on taking over America, are as yet unfounded.

SPOTTED: Week beginning 12th March 2007

2007-03-12T12:41:00.000-07:00

Report by Lisa Lucker

SPOTTED:

Jimmy Fallon telling a joke to an unimpressed Ashton Kutcher.

Lindsay Lohan leaving a church to go to an “Alcoholics Anonymous” meeting.

Will Smith on the set of his new movie.

The Buzz: Splitney personality?

2007-03-09T11:27:00.000-08:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

It has been alleged by one of my "trustable" sources that ''crazy and not beautiful" Britney Spears tried to hang herself with a bedsheet before pleading with her estranged husband to give her another baby.

In a week of rehab madness the bonkers beauty wrote the number of the beast, 666, on her shaved head before running round the clinic screaming "I am the Antichrist!" at frightened staff. "Later that night she tried to kill herself," a friend told us. "She attached a sheet to a light and tied it around her neck. Paramedics were called, but luckily she was unhurt."

We at VIN all hope that she gets better soon (and finds new friends).

The Buzz: Campbell has to clean up her dirty act

2007-03-07T09:51:00.000-08:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Super bitch' Naomi Campbe ll will mop the floors of New York City's Sanitation Department later this month as part of her punishment for assaulting her maid, officials have confirmed. The event will take place at a Sanitation Department warehouse in the Lower East Side of Manhattan from March 19-23.

Many kind hearted members of the world's population rejoiced in celebration that in some little way, justice had been served.

Reports that Mother Teresa rose from her grave to clap her hands are yet unfounded but would be very understandable.

SPOTTED: Week beginning 5th March 2007

2007-03-05T09:02:00.000-08:00

Report by Lisa Lucker

SPOTTED: Britney Spears shaving her wig in a 'fit of sanity' at Disney World.

Kate Moss (not) inhaling cocaine, somewhere in the dark streets of London.

Morgan Freeman on the set of his new movie.

Tyler Arrested!!!

2007-03-03T23:34:00.000-08:00

In remarkably coincidental timing VIN bad boy Tyler "Ty" Deschanel has been arrested for a DUI offence. The reporter was spotted driving erratically on Rodeo Drive with an assortment of Hollywood beauties. Nearby LAPD patrol cops were going to let him go but after he narrowly avoided hitting celebrity skank Paris Hilton they decided to grab him.

Arresting officer Jim Bones had this to tell us "He was as we say in the field 'Drunk as a Skunk!' or 'doing a Mel', I was reluctant to arrest him seeing as I am one of VIN's many fans but I just couldn't let him be a threat to the public. By not running over Ms Hilton, Tyler has committed an offence against society and his fellow citizens - we had no other option."

Paris Hilton had this to say about her near death encounter with VIN's sexiest reporter "I could have died? That's hot."

Tyler told us this at his trial "Don't worry I'll be out in a month! And in the meantime I hope to reveal some salacious stories here in Hollywood City Prison while locked up! I've already spotted Tom Hanks and Celine Dion in here! Who knows who else I'll meet and what seedy secrets I shall expose!"

We look forward to it Ty!

Mr Jones Hits Rehab!

2007-03-02T13:49:00.000-08:00

VIN Co founder and all round stand up guy Mr Jones is going on a top secret snooping mission this March into one of Hollywood's most famous destination for young and sexy stars: Rehab!

Mr Jones told us this exclusively for Very Important News aka VIN: "Yesshh, This March I Mr Jones!!! Mr Jones will.... will be venturing,.... deep into re- rehab!!.... And no my hectic life partying hard with the stars to get you the hottest and truest stories has not resulted me in becoming an alcoholic as some rival and lesser news sites have mis-reported!! They are liesss!! All lies!! No I am going cos I ... cos ... cos I Want to!!! I'm going to hang out with my good bald friend Britney and Brit washout Robbie Williams and find out why exactly they are in rehab, why it is the hottest new destination for young Hollywood and also some good places to score! Umm I mean score stories yesss umm VIN!"

Mr Jones will be back in April - assuming he's clean! Watch this space!

SPOTTED: Week beginning 26th February 2007

2007-02-28T10:31:00.000-08:00

Report by Lisa Lucker

SPOTTED:Naomi Campbell shouting abuse at a passer-by in New York.

Naomi Campbell hurling rocks at a passer-by in New York

Naomi Campbell successfully slipping through the arms of a police officer

The Buzz: VIN CELEBRATES THE 2007 OSCARS

2007-02-27T09:00:00.000-08:00

Report by Armitage Smith

Oscar Night 2007.

The glitz, the glamour, the sex, the ill-manners. All year I have been planning a big Oscar night report, and here it is, all the way from cold England to the sexy sun of LA and the good old USA. Armitage Smith brings you Oscar Night exclusively for VIN.

Oscar night is the highlight of many of our lives, and it certainly was a surprise in 2007. This year the show was hosted by Hollywood's seemingly only fully fledged lesbian, 'funny' Ellen Degeneres and proved to be the most controversial, and sexy Oscars yet, since 2006!

Below are the winners of the Oscars and also some (alleged) choice extracts from the best and oddest acceptance speeches (and also comments from fellow 'stars') of the night.

Oscar Winners

Art Direction: "Pan's Labyrinth''

Guillermo del Toro: -

"This has always been my dream to win an Oscar for Art Direction, I would like to thank Hellboy for helping me in my time of need. Hellboy is real! ARGHHH!"

Sound Editing: "Letters From Iwo Jima''

Clint Eastwood: -

"It has always been a nightmare to win an Oscar for Sound Editing. I mean what is it anyway? ARGHHH!"

Sound Mixing: "Dreamgirls"

Eddie Murphy: -

"If I sang we would have also won Sound Editing!"

Makeup: "Pan's Labyrinth''

Guillermo del Toro: -

"What make up? It was all for real! Especially the violence!"

Cinematography: "Pan's Labyrinth"

Guillermo del Toro: -

"Guillermo del Toro 3, you guys 0!"

Visual Effects: "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"

Gore Verbinski: -

"We will always win as there is no one else worth voting for... (hee hee)"

Actress in a supporting role: Jennifer Hudson in "Dreamgirls"

Beyonce Knowles: -

"I love her to death, I really do (bitch)"

Documentary Feature: "An Inconventient Truth"

Al Gore: -

"From presidential candidate to documentary commentator. I am the man!"

Animated feature film: "Happy Feet"

All the cast of Happy Feet: -

"I could sing and no one could know it was me just incase I was really bad!"

Film Editing: "The Departed"

Martin Scorsese: -

"Really? F*ck me! Well now I better win for the best director or I will be so pissed off that I'll have to send my Boston boys round to the Academy"

Best Director: Martin Scorsese for "The Departed"

Martin Scorsese: -

"Thank God I won. Suck on that Academy. I mean thank you!"

Actress in a leading role: Helen Mirren in “The Queen”

Helen Mirren: -

"Next time I will portray the Duchess of York, Fergie to all you American folk. Roll on Best actress of 2008!"

Actor in a leading role: Forest Whitaker in "The Last King of Scotland"

Will Smith: -

"Woo! Now that's what I'm NOT talking about"

Honorary Academy Award (Oscar statuette): Ennio Morricone.

and finally, Best Motion Picture: "The Departed"

Martin Scorsese: -

"Winning best picture with a remake has always been my dream. Welcome to Hollywood!"

Academy members: -

"We had to give it to him before he dies. He's dying soon isn't he?"

Below are the lesser awards that the Academy reluctantly allowed awards and acceptance speeches for, and only with much chagrin.

Foreign Language Film: "The Lives of Others"

Animated Short Film: "The Danish Poet''

Live Action Short Film: "West Bank Story''

Actor in a supporting role: Alan Arkin in "Little Miss Sunshine"

Adapted Screenplay: "The Departed"

Costume Design: "Marie Antionette"

Documentary Short Subject: "The Blood of Yingzhou District"

Original Score: "Babel" Gustavo Santaolalla

Original Screenplay: “Little Miss Sunshine” Written by Michael Arndt

Original Song: "I Need to Wake Up" from "An Inconvenient Truth" Music and Lyrics by Melissa Etheridge

And there you have it. The Academy awrds of 2007. Till next year, Armitage Smith, signing out.

Rumor Mill: Timberlake Says Britney Slurs Are SexyWhack!

2007-02-26T07:10:00.000-08:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

In heart-warming news, Justin Timberlake has come to the defence of ex girlfriend Britney Spears bizarre new shaved (and not in the good way) hair cut

"It was a smart choice; she is starting over, cleaning herself up. It was something you wouldn’t expect most people to do, so she is taking a chance." He said while trying to hide his chuckling.

"She looks amazing, very GI-Jane, she can pull off anything." He said whilst winking at us and nudging us in the ribs before slinking into the shadows of the night...

SPOTTED: Week beginning 19th February 2007

2007-02-23T09:32:00.000-08:00

Report by Lisa Lucker

SPOTTED: Ricky Martin ordering food at a Taco Bell in LA.

Benjamin Bratt serving at a Taco Bell in LA.

Scarlett Johansson on the set of her new movie.

Rumor Mill: Timberlake Cupid To Ferderline's Stupid?

2007-02-22T08:00:00.000-08:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Dick In A Box star Justin Timberlake has told Kevin Federline that he will help him to win back recently shaved (and not in the good way) Britney Spears.

The SexyBack singer was approached for assistance by failed rapper and roadkill connoisseur Federline at a pre-Grammy party recently. Although he was initially unsure about helping the aspiring rapper, Timberlake finally agreed after being spurred on by his mother Lynne.

Justin exclusively told me: "I'm hoping I can get Britney and Kevin talking and I'll then slink off and leave them to it." He then added under his breathe dramatically "Whilst lurking in the closet videotaping them secretly getting it on before slinking into the shadows of the night!"

Rumor Mill: Heather Plans To Stick The Foot In

2007-02-21T10:43:00.000-08:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

According to a report in the Sunday Mirror, famous scheming divorcee Heather Mills is planning to make a highly unfunny sounding cartoon series about estranged husband Paul McCartney and his family. Heather will portray Macca as a Homer Simpson-style slob in the show - ingeniously called The McFartneys. The former Beatle's children Stella, James and Mary will also appear, while Mills herself will be shown as a hard-working supermum and not a one legged gold digger.

A source told the newspaper: "This shows the lengths Heather Mills will go to in her attempts to blacken Paul's name. She wants it to be a cross between The Simpsons and South Park and reckons it will get cult status. She'll clearly be sadly mistaken. She's saying the series will expose everything that has gone on and goes on in the McCartney family, all under the guise of the cartoon characters. But most of it has been dreamed up and cast from her skewed and twisted imagination."

Bizarrely the source turned out to be Heather Mills herself.

The Buzz: Britney Shaved (And Not In The Good Way)

2007-02-20T09:32:00.000-08:00

Exclusive Report by Mr Jones

In related news to the non-shocking revelation Britney Spears is a mental case, the once teen star now stripper wannabe has shaved off her own hair during a visit to a Los Angeles salon on Friday.

The "Crazy" singer who also once sang a song called Crazy asked for the extreme new look at Esther's Haircutting Studio, but hairdresser Esther Tognozzi told the star that she was afraid to oblige in case Spears decided to sue her for ruining her image.

Unimpressed with Tognozzi's reluctance, Britney picked up the hair clippers and did the job herself whilst muttering profanity laced versions of her famous song lyrics under her breath.

"I just cleaned it up when she was done with it," Esther explained.

She added that Britney was "just there in body and not really emotionally there" and later added "plus I hate her anyway". Whether Tognozzi was actually Christina Aguilera in disguise as widely suspected is thus far unknown.

Will this new bold bald look work for Britney? Time will tell but we suspect no.

Rumor Mill: Anthony for the role of Head teacher?

2007-02-16T12:34:00.000-08:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'British eccentric' Anthony Head (Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) is rumored to be making a comeback to the television screens as a head teacher in the remake of Saved by the Bell.

He was allegedly reported to have said "I would really like the role of Mr.Belding as my last name is Head, and he was a head teacher."

Talks with Head's ex co-star and 'ex-actor' David Boreanaz have also been rumored to bear fruit. Insiders have told me that the part of Screech is still up for grabs. This is due to the fact that Dustin Diamond has been refused to audition.

VIN wonders why, but would certainely like to see Dustin Diamond back on our screens, albeit probably not in the way that he wants.

The Buzz: 13 No Longer Unlucky!

2007-02-15T10:18:00.000-08:00

Report by Mr Jones

VIN exclusively revealed last year that in addition to Al Pacino, Jennifer Lopez’s ass (but crucially not J-Lo herself) will join the cast of the upcoming Ocean’s 13. But now VIN can exclusively reveal the final big name to join the all-star cast. The second sequel to 2001’s original reunites the whole cast but this time the team headed up by George (Return of the Killer Tomatoes!) Clooney and Brad (Cool World) Pitt also will be joined by none other than 90's superstar Pauly Shore!

“I really wanted Dudley Moore cos he was just so dapper in Arthur but then I found out he’s dead, and when Ralph Macchio turned me down again I decided to settle for Pauly.” remarked director Steven Soderburgh

Jon Lovitz was apparently the first choice but his recent romance with Jennifer Aniston has seen his star power diminish considerably.

Rumour Mill: Beverly Hills Kook?

2007-02-14T10:14:00.000-08:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Ex comedian Eddie Murphy is taking a break from impregnating woman and then ditching them to star in Beverly Hills Cop 4.

The 80's original cemented Murphy as a rising star but years of bad choices have seen his career hit the bricks. He then recently was involved in a relationship with Spice "Girl" Mel B and allegedly got her pregnant before dumping her for another woman. Murphy desperately tried to explain when we caught up with him.

"Hey man, that whole Mel B thing that ain't nothing man! It was a mistake! Remember when I picked up that transvestite hooker? Well that’s what I thought when I met Mel! I thought she was a transvestite! Man that's the only reason I hooked up with her! If I had known she was an actual woman then I would never have tried it man!"

Glad to hear he's cleared that up then!

SPOTTED: Week beginning 12th February 2007

2007-02-13T10:27:00.000-08:00

Report by Lisa Lucker

SPOTTED: Jerry Seinfeld going to Fort Knox and leaving with a big bag full of money.

Al Pacino randomly shouting profanities at little children in Central Park.

George Clooney on the set of his new movie.

VIN WORLD EXCLUSIVE: NEW WRITER joining VIN

2007-02-12T09:00:00.000-08:00

VIN is proud to annouce that a new writer is joining the ranks of the journalist elite. She is not only pretty, not only smart, she is also blonde and an all American former cheerleader!

'Self-professed internationally acclaimed'' Lisa Lucker will be our sexy correspondant, exposing the crevices of Hollywood, looking for the celebrities and telling you, our beloved readers, exclusively where they are, what they are doing and when they were doing it!

When the action happens, when there is no one around, Lisa Lucker will be there. Exclusively for the Very Important News network.

Hollywood! Be prepared!

The Buzz: De Niro's not so secret shame!

2007-02-09T09:52:00.000-08:00

Report by Mr Smith

'Ex actor and full time funny face maker' Robert De Niro has been given the honour first place in the 25 Most Shameless Paycheck Grabbing Roles In History.

It was for his well-paying part in kids' movie The Adventures Of Rocky And Bullwinkle.

A critic for Entertainment Weekly, who compiled the poll, said: "He was the young Vito Corleone. He was Travis Bickle. He was Jake La Motta, Rupert Pupkin, and Al Capone. He's been nominated for six Oscars. He is our greatest living actor. No question, no room for debate. And yet, there is that one little aberration. Little? Who am I kidding? One huge-ass aberration called The Adventures Of Rocky And Bullwinkle."

Robert De Niro declined to comment but he managed to force a gurn instead.

Rumor Mill: Vida Living La Vida Loco?

2007-02-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Playboy model Vida Guerra has revealed her plans to start an all-girl pop group to challenge the likes of the Pussycat Dolls and Brit band Girls Aloud.

According to British tabloid The Sun, the model is launching her pop career in 2007 and is currently busy creating a back-up band of "drop-dead gorgeous dancers and singers".

Guerra said, "I wanted hot girls with great bodies. The choreographers were like 'Wow, that's good. Other artists usually pick ugly girls because they want to be the one who shines on stage. And no I don’t care they can't sing -it's pop music!'

"I want eye-candy. I got an Asian girl, an Indian girl, two Spanish girls, two black girls...and a white girl. I've got the best of everything." This seems to be a method that worked for Noah so Vida's plans seem sure to be successful.

VIN will be following this intriguing story closely... very closely.

The Buzz: Beckham Cruised to Tom for advice

2007-02-07T14:29:00.000-08:00

Report by Mr Smith

'Ex soccer model' David Beckham revealed to me that he turned to pal and 'cult follower' Tom Cruise to make sure he'd made the right decision to sign up for life in Hollywood.

Speaking to me directly via satellite from his current home in Spain, the former England soccer captain allegedly said, "I was on the phone to him for about an hour last night and then an hour the night before. I asked him for his advice... because he told me that he was a very wise man, and also that he will be a good leader for me... He couldn't speak any higher than what he was saying about himself, and also LA and that it will be a big help for us to know him."

Cruise was one of the first people to find out about his pal's move to the US. Beckham allegedly added, "I phoned him and said there might be an announcement. He replied, 'what annoucement? I haven't done anything today!' "

Rumor Mill: Sienna all of Miller?

2007-02-06T12:29:00.000-08:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Jude Law's on and off girlfriend has laughed off claims her sex scenes in Factory Girl with co-star Hayden 'Darth Vader' Christensen were real - insisting she's just a good actor. Her publicist allegedly insisted, "When you do a love scene there is a minimum of five people in the room. There's no real sex and the scene proves she knows how to give a good performance. Unless of course it is pornographic film, (and by pornographic film, I mean this film), then yes, it probably is real.

The actress recently unsurprisingly revealed she was terrified about watching the sex scenes at a screening of the film which she attended with her parents. She said, "I was sitting next to my dad and I just literally leant over and put my hands over (his eyes). It's quite embarrassing."

Hayden Christensen declined to comment, but was allegedly to have been seen having a sheepish grin, a box of tissues, and Factory Girl on pirate DVD.

The Buzz: I'm the George Bush of Hip Hop

2007-02-05T02:25:00.000-08:00

Report by Mr Jones

Rapper 50 Cent has stated that he is the George W Bush of Hip Hop, because nobody likes him.

The rapper has admitted that he likes and identifies with the American President, but has no desire to take his place.

He told Contactmusic: "You wanna know something? I actually like Bush. In some ways, I'm the George W Bush of Hip Hop - nobody likes me, but I'm still gonna run it for the next four years."

"I don't need that kind of pressure [though]. All I need is a sequel to my video game and a new hit single," the heterosexual star added.

However unlike the real George Bush, 50 Cent will not be going to war against Iraq, instead he will be going to war with the lesser known Middle Eastern state of Qatar.

The Buzz: Cage Banks On Success

2007-02-02T09:00:00.000-08:00

Report by Mr Jones

VIN World Exclusive
(Click on image for larger version)

After the huge success of National Treasure, The Rock and to a lesser extent Gone In 60 Seconds and Coyote Ugly, Nicolas Cage has again teamed up with super producer Jerry Bruckheimer and D&T Films to star in a new action film for summer 2007. The film directed by fellow Bruckheimer stalwart Tony Scott is called BANK DAY and is set in the high stakes world of finance. Official Press release below:

"When Guy Normal (Nicolas Cage) an innocent man is over charged by his nefarious bank he must infiltrate the banks customer services department and get his refund. Standing in the way is the villainous Bank Manger Ernest Richmoney (John Malkovioch) and his assistant managers Richard Knuckles (Michael Clarke Duncan) & Miguel Tequila (Danny Trejo).

There he will team up with the plucky and sarcastic Cockney janitor Rogers (Jason Statham), reclusive tax expert Art Bollinger (Steve Buscemi) and sexy Citizens Advice Bureau Agent Taylor (Liv Tyler) to get his refund the only way he knows how... with explosive and sexy results!"

BANK DAY

This Summer, Bank or be Banked"

We caught up with Jerry and Nic to see what they had to say.

Jerry: It's gonna be great!

Nic: I also think it will be great.

VIN has exclusive access to this film and will be bringing you more about this no doubt soon to be huge action spectacular!

Rumor Mill: It ain't funny for Lopez

2007-02-01T11:49:00.000-08:00

Report by Mr Smith

'Funnyman' George Lopez (no relation to Jennifer Lopez) has launched a scathing attack on Jay Leno branding the chat show host "the worst interviewer on TV." Lopez has dubbed Leno "two faced" for failing to invite him onto 'The Tonight show' since 2005 - despite pretending to be a good friend of the star on the phone.

He says, "Leno is the biggest two-faced dude in TV. When I had my transplant, he called me and was the nice guy on the phone. And then he just puts the knife in your back. The dude's, like, the worst interviewer on TV. It ain't funny, much like the terrible song by the unrelated Hispanic diva Jennifer Lopez"

The Buzz: Dustin Diamond's diabolical design

2007-01-31T09:31:00.000-08:00

Report by Mr Smith

'Sex tape connisseur' Screech (aka Dustin Diamond) has been "quarantined" from the rest of the cast of Celebrity Fit Club after fighting with fellow contestants. Screech got into a very public row with contestant Kimberly Locke, which caused her and 1980s pop singer Tiffany to storm off the set. After the women walked off the program, producers halted production and sent the cast home.

During the heated argument Diamond allegedly said, "Screw Kimberly Locke. I'm going to make a dildo of my c**k and f**k her with it. That rhymes too b*tches!" After Locke gave producers a "him or me" ultimatum, they decided to exile Diamond from other cast members.

Diamond is said to be dusting off his new dildo as we speak.

The Buzz: Diddy Is The Daddy

2007-01-30T10:38:00.000-08:00

Report By Mr Jones

Flamboyant Playboy and sworn enemy of the English language, P Diddy is a father once again. The rapper, real name Sean Combs, has just had male twins with long term girlfriend and mother of his other children Kim Porter.

Here's what he had to say "Diddy's been making babies! Wooo! You know what that’s about! Wooo! Bad Boy for life! Diddy forever and ever.... and ever!" he exclaimed before dancing a merry jig.

Let's hope they won't be a couple of Bad Boys!

The Buzz: The Thetan Beckham's for Cruise

2007-01-29T15:17:00.000-08:00

Report by Mr Smith

'Sane superstar' Tom Cruise may be planning to follow in the footsteps of John Travolta and make a movie based on the ideas of Scientology founder L.Ron Hubbard. According to one of my sources Cruise has already cast former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham to star in the movie, titled The Thetan in the role of an "alien bride."

In Hubbard's thinking, "the thetan" is the spiritual part of man that advances from one lifetime to the next, inhabiting the minds and bodies of generations of individuals. According to my source, Cruise is financing the movie on his own after, for some bizarre reason, the major studios rejected it.

VIN thinks that this will be a success...

The Buzz: Chevy Chase-ing away addiction

2007-01-26T11:31:00.000-08:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

According to my various sources 'Ex-comedian' Chevy Chase has announced to the world that he underwent rehab treatment for an addiction to painkillers.

Why anyone would want to know mystifies even the hardened VIN viewer. Just remember that you heard it here first!

Rumor Mill: Whitney's Ray of Joy?

2007-01-25T10:39:00.000-08:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Drug diva' Whitney Houston is allegedly dating 'ex R&B singer' Brandy's brother (a man called Ray J). They both seemed smitten eating at a steakhouse.

Ray J is 18 years younger than Houston and not very successful in whatever he is doing at the moment. However, judging by Whitney's former husband (the nefarious Bobby Brown) can she really get any worse?

The Buzz: Elton John wants to get his hands on Superman's part

2007-01-24T10:09:00.000-08:00

Report by Mr Jones

Sir Elton John's charitable attempts to buy a part in the next Superman film were foiled recently.

The 'I’m Still Standing' singer bid £40,000 at a fundraising event for the Old Vic theatre in London yesterday, but was outbid by British businessman Sir Philip Green.

Other auctions included a dinner date with heiress socialite Paris Hilton, which was snapped up for £30,000. The Old Vic's director Kevin Spacey camply hailed the event as a "really valuable contribution to our work at the theatre darlings!”

VIN is not surprised that Elton went after the part considering the new direction of Superman Returns 2.

Rumor Mill: Jerky Chan?

2007-01-23T09:01:00.000-08:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

In shocking news, Hong Kong action legend Jackie Chan has admitted he once starred in a soft core porn movie when he was a struggling actor.

The martial arts expert, famous for his death-defying stunts world over, appeared in a Hong Kong made X-rated movie entitled "All In The Family" 31 years ago when he was an unknown 21-year-old.

However, Chan, now 52, insists he is not ashamed of the film and says if you watch the flick you will see that it is very tame compared to modern porn.

He revealed to Britain's Daily Express newspaper, "I had to do anything I could to make a living but I don't think it's a big deal - even Marlon Brando used to be exposed in some of his movies. The porn movies at that time were far more conservative than the current films." Later adding "I'm not Dustin Diamond for gosh sakes and no I'm not ashamed, in fact it's a lot better compared to some of my new films!"

Chan isn't the only Hollywood action hero with a hidden past.

Before making it in Tinseltown "Rocky Balboa" star Sylvester Stallone appeared in a soft-core porn film entitled "Party at Kitty and Stud's."

The movie (which was originally a hardcore movie before the most graphic scenes were cut) was re-released after Stallone became a superstar under the title "The Italian Stallion"- a reference to boxing character Rocky's in-ring nickname. Allegedly Stallone is planning a sequel to the skinflick if new movie Rocky Balboa flops.

Jackie was also recently injured in Paris on the set of Brett Ratner's highbrow epic period drama Rush Hour 3. This is the 46,092th injury Jackie has sustained yet he won't let it stop him "I will be making films even when I'm in a wheelchair! Ha ha ha ha!" he said from a wheelchair.

VIN wishes him a speedy recovery and also wishes him success in both of his film careers!

Game ON! With Sakura And The Dude: PS3 Launch Violence

2007-01-22T10:19:00.000-08:00

Report by Sakura Yamamoto & The Dude

Hi guys!!! Violence sadly marred the launch of the Sony PlayStation 3 last month when a gamer was shot dead trying to buy the much hyped console. Early reports suggest that the shooter was Bill Gates while other rumours indicate it was a bunch of Nintendo die hard fans high on Magic Mushrooms.

The Dude says: I blame Grand Theft Auto. I used to have so much free time before that game came out, now I don't have any.

Rumor Mill: The King Scared Of The Queen?

2007-01-19T10:40:00.000-08:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Self styled King of Pop and acquitted kiddie fiddler Michael Jackson pulled out of attending the British Royal premiere of Casino Royale last November because he was apparently afraid to meet the Queen.

The Thriller singer voted "Worst Person To Baby-sit Your Kids" by a recent poll, was in the UK already at the time of the Royal Command Performance of the film, and was invited to attend, but my sources tell me he was too nervous about talking to Queen Elizabeth that he decided not to go.

He did not miss out on the film, however, as the movie's producers supplied him with a personal copy, which he watched in his London hotel room. Reports that he was spotted hours later selling bootleg copies of the movie in Chinatown, are thus far unsubstantiated.

The Buzz: Clooney Hams It Up

2007-01-18T09:34:00.000-08:00

Report by Mr Jones

In tragic news George Clooney's much loved pot bellied pig, Max, has died.

The 19 year old porcine porker was Clooney's favourite pet for many years and even accompanied him to the Oscars last year. Rumours also suggest that the hog was even a sexual partner but these were most likely started by "pal" Brad Pitt as a prank.

The Oscar-winning actor, 45, who owned the pig for 18 years and reportedly once said the porker, was his longest relationship, told USA Today, "I was really surprised, because he's been a big part of my life."

Clooney intends to mark this tragic event with some roast pork, meanwhile Rosanne Barr and & Oprah Winfrey are the frontrunners in the race to portray Max in the planned Hollywood biopic.

The Buzz: George Dubya hits back at Moore

2007-01-15T10:20:00.000-08:00

Special Report By Mr Jones

President George W Bush unleashed an unprecedented outburst on chubby liberal troublemaker Michael Moore this morning. The statement came as a direct response to Moore’s earlier statement last week about the War on Terror.

“He thinks he can say whatever he wants. But is that all he can do? Talk some untruths about me and my shady dealings? If he wants a war I’ll give him a war – hey I’ve started wars over less. You want some Moore? You think your stupid films make a difference? I’m the freaking president! I can do whatever the hell I want to and there’s nothing you can do about it! Moore I will kick your ass all over Capital Hill! You think you’re tough? Well I have just three words for you: Just bring it, you fat motherf**ker!”

The Buzz: Tyra doesn’t Bank on Diddy

2007-01-11T09:55:00.000-08:00

Report by Mr Jones

A fan on a chat show stunned rap star P Diddy by proposing to him live on air.

During The Tyra Banks Show, guest Irene was answering questions about her obsession with the rapper, and had no idea that he would feature on the show. However, when P Diddy burst onto the set through a giant picture of himself Irene said, "I have one question for you. Would you marry me?"

P Diddy, real name Sean Combs, made his excuses saying "I'm not ready for marriage", but Irene was quick to reply, retorting "You will be in one year and 22 days - I'll be 18."

Diddy then told her that he was expecting a second child with his girlfriend Kim Porter, to which the teenager remarked "she's nothing like me" - leaving the audience in hysterics.

Unfortunately Diddy assumed the audience were laughing at him. He was so incensed that he went up to each audience member and rapped a personal “diss” to them – alas as Diddy isn’t a particularly good rapper he struggled to think of relevant verses and could not rhyme most of the words and later left the stage dejected

However just as the audience were about to leave, he then reportedly jumped back on stage and broke in to an elaborate 17 minute dance routine which allegedly left onlookers amazed and drowsy. Irene had this to say “After I met him today I love him even more!”

“Diddy has danced his way back into their hearts!” hollered a triumphant Diddy. “This is a victory for the Diddy! Diddy-One, The World-Zero!”

Meanwhile Tyra Banks has confirmed he will not be allowed to ever appear on her show again.

Rumor Mill: Miller gay rumors WentWORTH any value?

2007-01-08T10:39:00.000-08:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Double Surnamed' Wentworth Miller has metaphorically slammed rumors into the earth's core that he has been 'lanced' and is a raging homosexual by insisting he is straight. The 34-year-old star is still adjusting to life in the spotlight and the intense media scrutiny surrounding his personal life. He allegedly explained to my source:

"No, I'm not gay. I know these rumors are out there... I'm cool with the fact that they exist, I mean this is about fantasy. Certain people are going to have certain fantasies. If someone wants to imagine me with a woman, or a man or one of each, or me with a horse, or a dog with me, or a dog and horse and chicken and man with me, that's cool with me as long as you keep watching the show. It's all about the bucks baby!"

All about getting those (young handsome) bucks indeed!

Rumor Mill: Moss & Doherty Thai The Knot?

2007-01-05T09:44:00.000-08:00

Report by Mr Jones

Following our exclusive, earlier this week overrated "model" Kate Moss and drug aficionado Pete Doherty have tried to get hitched again in Thailand.

The untalented but strangely popular couple exchanged vows on a beach in Phuket accompanied only by close friends and family.

However a source who was present indicated that unbeknownst to Moss & Doherty the ceremony was not a matrimonial blessing but was in fact an ancient Thai curse!

The Buzz: Alba Gets Full Marks From Students

2007-01-04T09:00:00.000-08:00

Report by Mr Jones

Hollywood actress Jessica Alba has picked up a strange honour in a recent opinion poll.

According to British tabloid The Sun, Alba has been voted as the celebrity that most students would like as a substitute teacher for the day. The Sin City actress was voted at the top of the list and apparently beat the likes of Oprah Winfrey and Angelina Jolie in order to claim the top spot in the poll carried out by the National Education Association. Aging star Madonna’s entry in the poll was refused after it was discovered she hired underprivileged African children to vote in their thousands.

One teen had this to say “She forced us to vote for her! She said she would adopt us if we didn’t! I wanted to vote for Alba, she makes my pants tight!” You’re not the only one friend!

When we asked Jessica Alba about this accolade she said “Like dude that is a… uh a totally… umm what’s that word? Umm uhh… oh yeah good! Like totally good.”

Yes VIN agrees she would make a fine teacher!

Rumour Mill: For Pete's sake! Moss to marry Doherty

2007-01-03T09:32:00.000-08:00

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Kate Moss is in the headlines again after agreeing to marry fellow untalented, overrated, ugly, goggle-eyed, disease ridden "singer" Pete Doherty. The controversial couple tried to get married earlier this year in Las Vegas but even the usually liberal 'in it for the money' Vegas church threw them out due to their unsightly appearance.

The pair will instead get married at a local public toilet - "It's where they first met and continues to be their favourite hang out. It's all so romantic!" drooled a close friend / junkie.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2007-01-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

We at Very Important News would like to wish all our readers and supporters (statistically sexier and smarter than the average human) a very Happy New Year! May the coming year bring happiness, health and more scandalicious events!

VIN will be keeping an even closer eye (if that’s possible) on all the latest news and rumours this year! Watch this space!

The Very Important News Staff

HAPPY HOLIDAYS from Very Important News

2006-12-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

Very Important News would like to wish all its many news hungry, wonderful and always special readers:

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!*

We hope you get everything that you want and if not then we hope that you at least had the chance to see what you wanted in a shop window/magazine/next-door neighbors house.

*To accomodate the current climate change of polictical correctness and because of our catty Jewish reporter (Clarissa Scheissberg) and the Jewish majority as Hollywood's biggest moguls (but mostly due to our catty Jewish reporter) we cannot wish anyone Merry Christmas anymore so we have to make do with happy holidays.

The Buzz: The Republicans have had enough, but Bush wants Moore

2006-12-22T21:42:00.000-08:00

Report by Mr Jones

After the Republicans humiliating result last month in the mid term elections, Left wing, chubby filmmaker Michael Moore has rubbed salt into the wound with some inflammatory comments.

"Looks like America has voted no to Bush! Ha ha ha! Only I, Michael Moore, knew the War On Terror was wrong and now everyone has agreed with me, Michael Moore, yet again! As highlighted in my blockbusting hit movie Fahrenheit 9/11 (which is currently available on DVD) I bravely went on a mission to point out how evil George Bush is and how clever I am! The War On Terror is bad and wrong! Terrorists are people just like you and me and if they want to blow us all up who are we to stop them? George Bush is the real War Criminal! Him and Mel Gibson, whose stupid Jesus film made more money than my masterpiece!"

We were about to leave but Moore grabbed us to tell us about his new film:

"My follow up film will be about me and my neighbour who I hate! He plays music so loud at night while I'm trying to entertain my guests and celebrity suck ups! How can I recount witty comments to them if I can't even hear myself think or even hear my writers who secretly feed me witty lines through an earpiece! Anyway yes my film will be even more groundbreaking than my last film as it is all about me and my campaign to end my neighbour's real War Of Terror! Get it? It’s a play on words! Yes anyway it's called: "Michael Moore: 9/11 - My cash cow!" and it's gonna be great!"

Rumor Mill: Jolie Mad-dox for insects?

2006-12-21T10:35:00.000-08:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

According to my sources 'weird humanitarian' Angelina Jolie has fed insects to her adopted son Maddox.

The 'eccentric actress' bought her five-year-old a plate of crickets. She allegedly told one of my sources in her faux British accent:

"My bee stung lips are the result of eating live bees, thus crickets are the answer for Maddox. Hopefully they will give him the athletism I had my stunt woman perform for me in my floptastic film... Tomb Raider!"

Are we really that surprised by her oddness? VIN certainly isn't...

The Buzz: Britney’s Under-Where?

2006-12-20T13:37:00.000-08:00

Report by Mr Jones

Britney Spears the former fresh faced popstrel turned double divorcee, chain smoking, alcoholic single mother of two. Has been spotted on the town again and, following in the footsteps of her new friends Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, without her pants! As she exited her sports car with new best pal Hilton, Spears inadvertently flashed the paparazzi. Experienced flasher and sex tape star Hilton attempted to protect Spears modesty buy flashing her own lady parts but by that time the amassed mob had already seen Britney’s Greatest Hits.

VIN managed to speak to some of the bystanders:

“Surely with her wealth she could buy some underwear? Won’t someone think about the children?” snapped one indignant onlooker.

“I saw it all! It was ok - but I was expecting better. Though I would definitely see it again” sniggered one nearby pervert

“Spring break Woo Hoo” shouted some rowdy college boys despite it being Winter and not in fact Spring.

We caught up with Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan who was also in the area sans panties to get her reaction: “If Brit wants to show of her p***y to the world then good for her! It means she’s one of us!” she slurred. “There ain’t nothing wrong with showing of your p***y!” she continued before falling flat on her face where she spent the rest of the night. Classy lady!

Warning! These images are not for the faint hearted nor the easily disappointed.

The Buzz: Would Hopkins really Stew Martha?

2006-12-19T14:07:00.000-08:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

Jailbird Martha Stewart ended her brief relationship with Sir Anthony Hopkins (The world's fastest Indian) because she couldn't separate him from his infamous character Hannibal Lecter.

'Fantasist' Stewart, told one of our sources last week: "Oh, I loved him, but he was... scary. I was going to invite him up to Maine; I have this beautiful home in Maine... but then I reconsidered because I saw that movie again. Do you want someone eating your brain while you are sitting in your beautiful dining room in Maine?"

Sir Anthony 'Lecter' Hopkins allegedly replied to one of our sources in his uttermost poshest of accents: "She was quite right to be cautious! Brain is delightfully tasty, they used a real one on set, part of a gripboy in fact, and I would do it again if I could! I mean... That is absolutely preposterous. I am a Sir, and in England that means I am a King!"

Dinner with a convicted criminal or a cannibal with 'entertaining' anecdotes about life in Wales. VIN would have trouble deciding!

The Buzz: Home-schooling is what Will Smith is talking about

2006-12-18T15:56:00.000-08:00

Report by Mr Smith

'Tom Cruise's arch-nemesis' Will Smith says he and his wife 'short but loud' Jada Pinkett Smith are homeschooling their children because he doesn't believe in teachers and feels the most valuable things he learned in life he didn't get from school. He allegedly told 'reputable housewives favorite' Reader's Digest:

"The date of the Boston Tea Party does not matter. I know how to learn anything I want to learn. I absolutely know that I could learn how to fly the space shuttle because someone else knows how to fly it, and they put it in a book. Give me the book, and I do not need somebody to stand up in front of the class. I did it in Independance Day, and I'll do it again. Now that's what I'm talking about!"

Rumor Mill: Naked for Mariah is Christmas Attire!

2006-12-15T15:27:00.000-08:00

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Loony pork chop' Mariah Carey recently revealed to me that she loves nothing more than stripping off and rolling around in the snow on Christmas day. She claimed it's all part of the festive traditions in Aspen in the States.

She shouted: “I like to get out of the hot tub and roll in the snow! Somebody told me that it was a tradition in Aspen, but maybe they were lying to me."

Why we wanted to know that we're not sure, but it just goes to show that she's still 'one helluva crazy gal!'